Hello everyone and welcome to another Coffee Date with Luna!
Ever since I dropped out of grad school, I have been experiencing a sort of a life crisis. Sometimes it’s okay, sometimes it hits me like a wave and I am a terrible swimmer. One of the things I have learned in this time is that the only way to grow and get the fuck out of this is to review my past actions, what decisions led up to this and how to take accountability for my actions and make better choices in the future. Trust me, I do not have this figured out yet, but baby steps are still steps forward.
One of the decisions I had to review is the type of people I let into my life, especially when it came to romantic relationships. Using the word romantic linked to the toxic relationships I actually had is very amusing to me. I had the attachments, the infatuations, the beliefs I found love and that love will conquer all and now I am here 24 years old and still do not know shit about love. But I do love to write about it.
When I look back and review my relationships, there are patterns I can recognize. I would either get into a relationship that would seem great but it would end abruptly because something was missing, I didn’t feel like the person I was with had any genuine feelings about me, like they didn’t care about me. The second pattern is rushing into relationships that I knew deep down would never work and then being crushed. As if I was looking for this amazing love that would survive the obstacles and thrive. And people, I thrived in one of those relationships that ended up with me crying and smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. It wasn’t just the relationship that was toxic. The consequences echoed in my life for years and when I look back, I cannot help but ask myself: Why do I hate myself so much?
I refuse to take all of the blame for my failed relationships, but I can recognize where I went wrong. I didn’t leave people because they didn’t love me the way I need to be loved, but because I didn’t love myself. I projected my problems and my insecurities on to them. I wanted them to give me the love and attention I never gave myself. I was looking for someone who would care about me because I didn’t care about myself.
I started relationships and became infatuated with men who were bad for me because I didn’t feel like I was worthy or love. I humiliated myself to the point where I accepted crumbs off someone’s table and called it love. This is getting very hard to write but it’s something I have to face in order to be better and do better for myself.
I decided to share with you my relationship issues because you have these patterns too and maybe they just came into your mind. Writing them down, acknowledging these patterns will not solve them but it’s a start of a very long and prosperous journey. You cannot solve your problems in one night, in one post, in facing the truth but you can solve them with consistent work and by being honest with yourself always.
It’s hard. It’s fucking hard. It took me 3 weeks to sit down and write this because it’s not easy to admit that I hurt myself with my past relationships just because I didn’t love myself enough to seek what I deserve, what we all deserve which is love and respect and happiness. Do I love myself now? No. It’s a process but I won’t speed it up by not doing anything about it so, as always, I am sharing my truth here. I hope my little encounter with honesty will help you in your journey.
This is all I can take for this post, it’s hard to write about this when I don’t have my feelings sorted out but I am working on it. This is one of those baby steps.
As always let me know in the comments below your thoughts, what would you want to read about next and let me know how are you doing?
I love you all!
Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna
Wow; this is real.
You don’t need to know what “we” want to read about – you have enough wisdom and gumption to write powerfully and truthfully without anybody else’s input.
Luna,
I’ve found that with the passage of time the hurt of even the most toxic relationship fades until all that is really left is residue; a puddle to reflect upon.
There are long lessons to attend and we learn from every /romantic/ relationship. take what you can from that time/person…be it humility, humour, hurt or even how to hold your head when you enter a hostile room.
Nick
xo
Just remember to never judge a book by it’s cover and often there is beauty behind the beast.
Every end is a way towards a new beginning. This is beginning of you loving and appreciating yourself. I admire your courage.
Lots of love
Chris
Coming out of a toxic relationship myself. Toxic with alcohol and cigarettes and too much caffeine. Toxic with sick nights and trips to places I didn’t want to be. Things were different when we fell in love. It was a structured environment without access to poisons. Set free, I went her way for a while until I couldn’t stand what I was becoming. We keep our distance now, and talk briefly upon occasion. It hurts, but I have to think about doing things that are the best for me, not caving in to a partner’s whims. Take care Luna, time will heal you. Keep writing, it’s a good way to sort out your thoughts and problems.
A very honest post Luna and very tough self reflection. As one who dated in the 1970’s I have little right to chime in on what must be a very difficult dating scene in this social media age. What did the trick for me was to find someone who was wise, thoughtful and loving of herself and of others. 44 1/2 years later (43 married) we are still together. Has it always been easy? No, but we have always worked as a team to overcome the obstacles. As you say, the first step to finding that special someone is finding yourself. Sending best wishes. Allan
I did start reading it Luna … but surely not meant for me … f***… n relationships m surely too young 😁 no worries next time will join the coffee date
This is all growth my dear, congrats! It’s recognizing what we did, what worked and what didn’t serve our best interests. Taking care of ourselves. Good for you❤
Luna!
You have taken a very important step here and that is recognising this aspect of your life.
I don’t doubt it’s been hard for you, but the only way is forward now.
Many people ignore the aspects of themselves they do not like.
You’ve taken the first step, keep going 💙
Luna, this must have been so hard to write and I applaud your honesty. I hope you keep writing for you. Take Care.
Paul