This is not easy to write, not just because it’s hard for me to discuss but because it has been so long since I’ve written anything that I don’t know how to do it well. Let’s just let the stream of thoughts flow.
After the last earthquake in Croatia, I took some time off. It was right before New Years and I just wanted to have some time for myself and away from my job and blog and everything. Just me. It turned into a disaster.
My mind does not like to be left without a hobby because then I spiral into negativity and episodes of sadness, fear, anxiety and all things that make me want to lock the door and never leave the room. Working from home certainly made this easy for me – too easy.
The first red flag that I was not doing well came with a sudden craving for smoking. I broke the habit over a year ago and was not planning on sinking into my nicotine addiction no matter how bad the cravings got. Smoking was an addiction but it was also a way for me to push down negative feelings. Something in my cup, music in the background and a cloud of smoke around me.
Instead of screaming that I am not doing well and seeking help, I started to close up. I got new addictions that helped me push the feelings down even for a short while – beer and binge eating. A few pounds are already visible, but I pretend they are not there.
“Why are you this unhappy?”, I asked myself one day. In an attempt to try and make myself feel better I started thinking about everything I had – a family, a good relationship, a good job etc., and the more I listed everything I got, the more I felt ungrateful and started telling myself that my own negative feelings were invalid and that I need to be happy because I do not have a lot to be unhappy about.
In the past, these feelings meant that there was something wrong in terms of me not seeking out to find what inspires me, to strive for more. These feelings were there to yell at me that I’ve gotten too comfortable and that I need to start moving forward. They would force me to move forward before they ate me up alive. I completely disregarded this now. I knew this when I was 15 and full of life but the 24 and tired version of me wanted to turn a blind eye and become even more comfortable.
And so January flew by with me waking up, working, eating, watching Netflix and being socially anxious about going outside while telling myself I am not socially anxious and that it was just the time we live in when people don’t want to be around other people. A month of getting extremely comfortable with all those negative feelings still floating around. A month of telling myself I do not deserve to feel bad because I have what I need to survive. Not live. Survive.
My quarantine-born Netflix addiction would lead me to different shows and whenever there was a scene that was sad or tears-of-joy happy, I would have to try really hard not to cry. It was not the scenes, it was something inside of me that had to be cried out but I did not let it. I would get in bed after a long, hot shower – the same bed I spent the whole day working and watching Netflix in – and I would pray for sleep to come before my brain had time to overthink this mess I was making of myself.
I stopped writing because the 24 and tired version of me knew that writing would get the demons out and it would make me move, kick me right out of this comfort zone.
And so February came. I looked at what I had done to my blog, looked at all of the filming equipment I got for youtube because I was excited to make videos and I just kept on getting comfortable. I will get to it eventually. I will get around my dreams and goals right after this “me time” that has done nothing but made me unhealthy, mentally unstable, overly emotional and a complete mess overall. Isn’t “me time” supposed to make you feel better?
So here I am, doing what I’ve done countless times before. Writing all of this out in hopes it will provide some much-needed clarity, peace and healing. Am I scared that I went in too deep into the comfort that it will take me months to recover and get back to myself? Yes.
But I have to force myself to not get scared by that feeling. I have to force myself to face it, conquer it and remind myself of who I am, what I came here to do and convince myself that I am not this tired, comfortable and unhappy person I tried so hard to be. There’s more, there will always be more and I have the right to go after it, whatever it takes.
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One must count their blessings ! 🙂
Luna find more time for yourself. You think about other people many hours everyday. Walk in nature if you can. My congratulations for coffee date ❤️
So deep. I’m glad you atleast have written, maybe do so a bit more and see how much more it can help.
I can so relate to this, but please hang on to hope🧡🍁🙏🏾
You will survive. Once the media stops flogging this story to death 24/7 and move on to The Next Big Story we will collectively take a moment, regroup and move on. Life is not manufactured. Stories are. Hopefully, the creative spirits will return. For all of us!
Putting your thought battles on paper and for a caring community to see is a signal that you has chosen life and the way up. Kudos to you to lay your thoughts bare. I pray that you are strong and courageous, and ride this storm to calm water again. Sending love and a warm hug!
Writing is the best tool for what I call brain dumping. It’s how I release the word soup. Our brains are like programs and thoughts are there for us to observe, not always engage with. There’s nothing wrong with you my dear, you are keenly aware. Your words show your big heart. Keep writing my friend and freedom is what you will find. In light and in shadow, always with love. Namaste 🙏
Inspiring post. Thank you for sharing these thoughts fellow wordsmith 🙂
Your writing flows well. Does that make you “fine” ? You are in charge of that answer. Peace.
It must have taken a lot of courage to write this but I am so thankful that you did because there was so much of it that resonated with me, that I feel each day too. Your tired and 24 vision is my tired and 23, all those unhealthy coping mechanisms.. I relate with this too much I just hope you can kick this out and overcome.
It makes me quite sad to read that you, Luna and Anupama are so young and so tired of life.
Life is a series of challenges that come along for us to learn from.
We all need mindfulness in our lives and to live in the present moment, the here and now.
I agree that we are not meant to engage with all our thoughts, merely observe them and let them pass.
Working from home is a different way of working. If you have a separate room to work in, fine, if not use a corner of your living space. As writing has helped you thus far; make a list of what you need for work. Set it out in your corner. Get up, shower, dress, eat breakfast, ‘go’ to work. If you can get out for a walk in nature at lunchtime do so. Eat your lunch in your kitchen. Go back to your work corner, work until your normal finishing time. Pack everything away in a cupboard. Make your evening meal, relax, read ( very important for any writer) watching Netflix is OK but for not all the time. Phone, Zoom, face time your friends and family. Exercise, it doesn’t have to be boring. Put some music on and dance around for 20 minutes, get your heartbeat up!
Meditate daily if you can, if not daily as often as you can. It is a great mind cleanser and healer. Improve your life a moment at a time. One moment turns to two, to there, to four and soon your life will improve.
I use daily affirmations.and a gratitude journal. Start small, 1 affirmation and one thing you are grateful for every day.
Please note your bedroom is for sleep or making love. Ban all electronic devices from it. Make it a beautiful haven. Tidy it up, put clean bedding on, burn incense, light candles, make it beautiful.
I am 65 years old and I wish I knew in my twenties what I know now. Be kind to yourself, learn to love yourself and look after yourself. This is not selfish, this is how we survive and live our lives.
If none of this works, seek professional help. Sometimes, depression needs that kind of help. I speak from personal experience. Depression is due to low levels of serotonin in your brain. Like a diabetic whose insulin levels are low and you wouldn’t expect them to rely on self help would you?
Sorry for my long post but your plight touched my heart, Blessed be, dear Luna, onwards and upwards! ❤🙏❤🙏❤🙏❤🙏❤🙏❤
Luna, times are hard. Your feelings are always valid and you are allowed to feel them!! Never forget that. Emotions make us human. Take all the time you need to work through them, there is no time limit. You have got to take care of YOU because no one else will. Posting this post and venting was a great step forward. <3 I'm sending all good vibes your way, remember this too shall pass and better horizons are out there if we choose to seek them!! <3 <3 <3
What picks me up so quick from a negative edge is singing! Although i write, i watch series and the day is already full but i can’t help feeling some negativity somewhere where the trigger can be as stupid as just a sad story or a negative news or just thinking about myself and where I’m and there we start but when i pick a song and start singing it totally picks me up! I think giving it a try may bring sth new to you~ 🙈 stay safe dear~💕
Luna ‘ it is true sometimes when we do nothing , that when the devil starts its work ! When everything is overwhelming and we want to to take a break , it is difficult to handle that idleness as well. It is common and many of us are there ! Writing helps to dump all your emotions ! Some of it can get published the rest can just stay in your drawer ! Good luck !
I find it very hard to write when I feel depressed, last year about September to December when I lost my Job I was not able to write a thing, no energy or inspiration. I thought I might not be able to write again, but that’s always an insecure feeling that comes and goes and before you know it you find you still have some beauty in you and so much to express, when in your dark times you had thought you had nothing left to give, I’ll leave you with the words of Rilke,
“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”