What do you love?
I do not have an instant reply to this. Do you?
I asked myself this the other day and couldn’t come up with an answer. My mind was blank.
Lately I have had this burning desire to drastically change something because I need excitement and I want some unpredictability. I want to wake up and not know exactly what my day is going to be like. I started changing my diet (as documented in my Sugar-Free Diary), I have been deep-diving into my mental health problems, I started to focus on creating Youtube content, I started thinking about going back to school but it does not make me feel fulfilled. It’s like I am creating distractions in order not to think about how something is missing.
I found out what was missing on one rainy little day. My passion was missing. Puffff! Gone with the wind. I feel like the space in my soul that was reserved for that special feeling, that drive, that passion is now slowly being filled by fear, doubt, lack of trust in myself and every other negative feeling under the sun.
I remember when I was just a little bit younger than I am now, how passionate I was about life and making decisions I want to make and taking risks. I don’t know where the girl I was a few years back disappeared.
I was miserable during grad school and I just dropped out. I believed in myself enough to sign that piece of paper, leave the university without a clear path, I literally signed my way into uncertainty and I still pulled through and took care of myself. There is nothing in this world that would make me do something so risky now. I became something I deeply feared – a person surviving. This is not living. I don’t want to believe that living, that the rest of my life will be this monotonous sequence of events.
Do you feel passionate about your work? Do you feel passionate about a hobby you have or about some activity you do on a daily basis? I don’t.
I am passionate about writing, my blog and creating content but not in the way I was passionate about it before. I do not stay up late working on the blog, replying to every comment and I don’t jump overjoyed when I see a lot of comments on my post and positive feedback. It’s not that it does not bring me joy but I am so worn out by the mundane that I cannot deeply enjoy what used to bring me so much happiness.
All of the sudden, I don’t have time. Don’t ask me for what I don’t have time. I just don’t have time period. I used to make time and find time for things that were important to me, that made me excited about life and now… I don’t have time.
I even lost the time I used to always have for my blog. I know that writing is the only thing keeping me sane and I have a feeling that if I do not find a way to dedicate my life to writing, creating content that I will waste my life but still I cannot find that feeling, that drive that would make me risk it all for a chance of living from my only passion. I cannot gather the strength to just bet everything on myself, my talent, the only thing I enjoy doing. It’s not so much the problem of lacking creativity, self-doubt and insecurities. The passion is fading away and I am scared I will lose it all and that one day my dreams of writing will be a dusty memory.
What is your passion?
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Sending love and positive vibes,
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