Cigarettes

Cigarettes

Like this cigarette, you are my vice and even though
you poisoned me you made me feel alive.
Like a cigarette I burned out. Your arrival
will be the fire – come here and light me up.

Like a cigarette

I wrote this little piece for a certain person a while ago and I remembered it today because I’ve quit smoking due to some health issues and I’ve been cigarette free for 20 days now. I know it’s a nasty habit and I’m glad I’m managing all of this well. I remember always writing with a cigarette in my mouth, I thought I couldn’t do it without them but I kicked the habit! Check out the whole poem clicking here.

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Take care

Take care

I want the best for you. I want the days to
be sunny when you need them to and I want it
to rain hard when you want to hide under the
blankets even though I’m not there to keep you
warm. Even though there are other hands feeling
you heartbeats before you go to sleep.

I want the best for you and this isn’t an “I’m a better
person” manifest nor is it a proof I’m over you. This
is just me speaking my mind in order to cleanse my soul
but honey, there are a few things you need to know.

I didn’t give up trying to fix us because you left me. I gave
up because I forgot how to be myself while loving you.
I didn’t hold on for so long because I wanted you back. I held
on because you weren’t a Band-Aid I could just rip off.
I gave you so much of me and took so much of you that
you became a part of me and honey, it was hard to feel whole again.

Honey, you can drag through your bed as many women as
you want but they won’t make you love yourself. They will just
be a temporary cure for your eternal illness.
Honey, you shouldn’t feel special if next to me you had five of
them on hold. You should ask yourself what’s wrong with you
if you need a line of women to make you feel like a man.

Honey, that warmth in your bed won’t warm the stone you
carry in your chest. Honey, convincing yourself you love her
won’t make it true and won’t make you capable of feeling.
Honey, if you don’t accept the truth you will waste your life
on temporary, loveless illusions.

Honey, seek help while you’re young but please, oh please
don’t come looking for it in my arms again. Even though, I
wish you the best honey, you are drowning and I can’t be
your life vest.  It’s time for me to give myself the love I’ve
been giving you for too long. Honey, take care.

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Dead spot

Dead spot

I refer to this place I’m in right know
as to a dead spot. I’ve been on this dead spot
for years,  no movement forward or backwards.
the same shit, every day, for years.

I bang my head into a wall thinking it will bring
me clarity because no right answer in my life
came from happiness. It always came from pain.
Nothing happened. I just have a red mark on my
forehead now. Guess the pain isn’t working anymore.

But that one great thing is coming. I know it is. I’ve been
waiting for it for years. High school graduation, university,
boyfriends, new job, new meditation… I thought all of these
things were that one big thing, but I was wrong. And I was wrong
one too many times and now the doors are shut and the windows
are so small I can’t crawl out and I’m stuck here on this dead spot
and I’m trying and I’m pretending I know where I’m going and the
key word here is “I” because it’s just me here, I’m alone here.

I did this to myself. I got me here and I don’t know how to get out.
I don’t know how to ask for help. I can’t find that one big thing,
that great change. Maybe I am the thing that needs to change.
Who am I?

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Online pain

Online pain

It doesn’t really hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while.
Sometimes the memories float through my
mind and make me shiver but it doesn’t
hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while. Sometimes
I miss you before closing my sleepy eyes and
I feel like I can feel your touch but it doesn’t
hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while.

Years and years ago people waited for the
pain to go away, for the heart to heal and then
they were alright, but now it’s hard to clean one’s
life from a former lover’s presence. You are
virtually reminding me that you’re not mine but it
doesn’t hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while.

To hell with pain, I can deal with that but I
can’t deal with not being able to escape your
eyes and move on with my life. You are always looking
at me from pictures, reminding me of what we
had and even thought it doesn’t hurt anymore,
and it hasn’t in a while, I’m still sitting here waiting
for your presence to go offline.

I’m waiting for your name to stop being on the top
of my messenger contacts. I’m waiting for my hand
to stop clicking your name wanting to write something.
I’m waiting for Instagram stories to stop telling me
where you are. I’m waiting for the day I’ll stop opening
them. I’m waiting for our pictures to disappear from
my gallery. I’m waiting for a day I’ll be strong enough
to delete them like you deleted me.

But it doesn’t really hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while.

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Caramelized banana oatmeal

Caramelized banana oatmeal

Good morning! I don’t know what time it is in your country (tell me in the comments) but here in Croatia it’s 10:20 in the morning and I’ve been up since 8. Decided to take a morning walk to clear out my head and run some errands and now I’m enjoying my delicious, sweet breakfast.

I wrote in my post Grateful that I’m a big breakfast enthusiast so I decided to share one of my favorite and very easy breakfast recipe. This is my caramelized banana oatmeal.

All you need is some oatmeal, a banana, honey, salt, coconut oil and cinnamon. You cook your oatmeal on the side and you heat up a pan. Place the coconut oil, honey, salt and cinnamon on to the pan and when everything is nice and melted place your banana slices there. Turn them once to get some caramel on the other side as well. When you place everything into the bowl add some more cinnamon or flax seed, as you wish and enjoy your breakfast!

In my version there is also a large cup of black coffee waiting for me because I have so much studying to do today. I was a bit disappointed yesterday because I found out I failed an exam. It was actually translating a text from Croatian to Spanish and I honestly thought I did a good job, but no. I failed. It’s not the end of the world because I have the right to take the exams four more times so I’m going to study really hard to pass it.

This is pretty much it from me today. Hope you all have a great weekend!

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Being grateful

Being grateful

Throughout the day we thank our god a million times for something that happens good to us but most of the time it’s just empty words without any meaning. Today I decided to begin to actually be grateful for the little things in life which I take for granted because I honestly believe my life will be more fulfilled if I perceive some small, everyday moments as great life gifts.

I am grateful that I have a small circle of good friends which are always there for me and that I actually have friends who can sit with me and drink coffee for hours and just talk. Drinking coffee together is something me and my friends do often. In Croatia an hour and a half long coffee drinking is a part of our culture. Take-out coffee is not so popular with us because we like to sit in a bar and drink our coffee with our friends and we are so used to this that we take it for granted. I decided to be grateful for having friends to do this little coffee drinking tradition with.

There is one special friend I have. She is my best friend and the person that knows me best and she is my mother. I’m not some mommy’s little princess but my mother is such a special person, she’s my warrior and I’m so grateful to have such a strong role model in my life. She taught me what love is, that I can survive everything and that I’m strong enough and good enough to reach my full potential in life. She made so many sacrifices for me and I owe her to be the person she always believed I was.

I am grateful for every morning in which I have time to eat a healthy, delicious breakfast. I’m a breakfast enthusiast, breakfast is everything but I stopped appreciating it as I did before. From now on, every time I have my oatmeal or sandwich in the morning I will remember to be grateful to be able to enjoy it.

Zadar is such a lovely, warm, beautiful town and I enjoyed it a lot until I got used to it. I forgot to appreciate the sea, the bridge, the Greetings to the Sun, the Sea Organ, the talkative people, the beautiful sights and beaches, the old town… Most of the people who visit Zadar are left amazed with it and I live in this beautiful city so I’m going to be more grateful for all that it has to offer. Click here to check out some photos of Zadar if you want!

I have been going through some hardship lately and I talked about it in my post Self-doubt and Lack of Motivation. I am grateful for all the problems I went through, all the nights spent crying and for every time I thought I won’t be able to go forward anymore because if I hadn’t gone through all of that I would never be able to start building a stronger version of myself as I am doing right now. This collapse I survived made me realize I am strong enough and that hardships are here to make us remember what we are capable of so I’m grateful for the good and the bad, the darkness and the light.

I could go on forever with this list but I’m going to stop here. I hope you liked this and tell me in the comments what are you grateful for!

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Organization and morning routine

Organization and morning routine

Sleepy is the word to describe me today. I’ve been having trobules sleeping because I spend a lot of time in the evening in front of my laptop studying or writing that I can’t fall asleep and in the morning I’m just a mess. I managed to crawl out of bed today an hour and a half before I had to leave the house to go to my lecture. I woke up at 6:15 because I had a morning lecture and despite feeling miserable for not being able to keep my eyes open it feels great to see I’ve checked off everything off of my to-do list.

Again, I’m still working on getting myself out of my dark place so I decided to establish a healthy morning routine to get me in a good mood. I kick off my day with some morning stretches. Afterwards I make my breakfast which mostly consists of oat meal and a strong coffee. I do all of this with some good background music. Since I study Spanish I’m pretty crazy about the music from Latin America and my morning playlist currently contains singers like Maluma, Ozuna, Gente de Zona, JBalvin…

When I’m done with breakfast I get dressed and then I meditate for approximately 15 minutes. Today I used Vishen Lakhiani’s 6 phase meditation. Then I walked to my university for 40 minutes to get some LISS workout in my morning and I was done.

Organization is right now my way of keeping myself reassured that I have some control over my life. I’ve downloaded an app to my laptop and my phone where I write my to-do list, shopping plans, simple errands etc. It just feels amazing to see that I’ve checked everything off of my to-do list before going to bed. I’m exhausted but it still feels great and I honestly think I will be able to pull myself out of this by just making simple steps.

Writing everything here makes me feel better and I hope I’m not bumming you all out and being boring. As soon as I write a poem or have some other idea, I’ll post it up immediately! Be sure to leave me a comment or DM me on Instagram if you are going through something similar so we can help each other.

Love you all!

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