Poem #224

You sit in silence on the terrace sipping your coffee.
You try to convince yourself that fresh air will
stop this feeling of suffocation.
Haven’t you realized by now it’s all in your head?

Find your indicators

We hear from life coaches and Instagram quotes that we need to identify our triggers to avoid negative and harmful behavior and situations. I do believe that’s true but there’s also something else we need to identify. Our indicators.

We live in a world where pain and struggle are being praised for no apparent reason. If you have eye bags, finish your 5th cup of coffee by 10 in the morning, always have troubled relationships you somehow feel validated in this world and I can say that I am also one to blame for this type of behavior because I do have eye bags, drink a gallon of coffee in the morning and go into one shipwreck of a relationship to the next.

Also, we became very detached from our emotional state and feelings. We just deal with negative feelings by ignoring them. We all live using the famous line “That’s just how it is”, “It’s no big deal” etc.

It’s not how it is and it is a big fucking deal.

We often ignore the notion of being in a negative, unhealthy situation just because we got used to it. We got used to feeling crappy, tired, exhausted, unmotivated… We became very mechanical in day to day life and forgot how to live and that’s why we need to find the indicators and patterns that help us realized that we are in a bad situation.

My personal indicators are smoking and writing. People who are close to me know that I have the tendency to obsessively smoke when something bad is happening to me. I tried breaking this awful habit several times but after two, three weeks, maybe even two months of not smoking something stressful happens and I just find myself buying cigarettes and looking like a chimney. As for my writing, when I put down something on paper I always read the whole thing in the end and I can sense the tone in which I wrote it and that is a strong indicator of the way I’m feeling.

Indicators are something like behavior patterns and you need to find them. When you catch yourself doing those things, repeating those patterns find the reason why and try to problem solve with logic the situation in which you are in. Indicators are mostly bad habits like smoking, drinking, binge eating etc.

I know it’s sometimes painful and hard to just get in touch with your emotions, with yourself and admitting that you are in a bad state but it’s necessary in order for you to pull yourself up and get stronger.

I hope this all made sense because I struggled with describing all of this and just find the words. Let me know in the comments what do you think and what are your indicators.

Poem #223

The biggest mistake you can make is
thinking you can make a difference by
changing those around you.
Start today.
Start with yourself.
Start where you are.
Control your little part under the blue sky.

Abused children’s lullaby

Hey there little sleepy girl!
Tonight daddy didn’t fall asleep on the curb.
He is home, punching mom, breaking stuff, cursing hard.
Be a good girl as mommy said and hide under
the bed, hope you won’t end up dead.

Hey there little sleepy boy!
One day you will grow so strong. So strong you will
defend them all, like a superhero punch daddy through the wall.
Be a good boy as mommy said and pray daddy won’t
fall asleep with a burning cigarette in his hand.

Hey there little sleepy kids!
Your window is on the second floor, easy to jump, maybe
break one bone. You’ve already done it twice, what’s some more?
Now close your eyes like mommy said, tomorrow is a brand new
day for you to listen mommy explain how again she fell down the stairs.

By Luna

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#savingme is the column where abuse victims can publish their experiences just to let go and find comfort and support. Maybe it doesn’t feel like much but just publishing your story for others to read makes you strong. You can send your story about the abuse you went through to savingmestory@gmail.com and you can choose if you want it to be anonymous or not. More details here. 

Poem #221

Raise your middle finger up to the sky,
tell them to go and fuck themselves.
Let them call you arrogant and rude.
Good girls get treated worse, why put
yourself through that?

Create your own heaven, find your own bliss.
Fuck him and fuck them.
The only thing you should keep higher than
your standards is that beautiful head.

I fell down.

I fell today. Not in a methaporical way. I seriously fell down in public during rush hour on a train station.

Let me walk you through my amazing morning. So, I came to Zagreb and I was going down the stairs to get some lunch for today. You can bet you ass I was on my phone while walking. I missed a step and in a matter of seconds I just felt pain in my knees and ankle as I hit the ground.

Jackie Chan has got nothing on the reflexes I discovered I had in that moment. In 0.5 seconds I just bounced right back and continued walking as if nothing happened. I actually started believing that I didn’t actually fall down because everything happened so fast but then the pain in my knees and ankle reminded me of my little encounter with the ground.

Please will someone tell me that if you fall down like an idiot in public it means you will have a really good day or that something good will happen? Give me some hope because my day so far has had a shitty start.

At least I have my coffee. Considering my luck I will probably spill it on myself. And the Kinder Bueno is here to comfort me because well… I need it.