Categories
My life

Come have a cup of coffee with me

Hello everyone! 

I hope you are having a lovely weekend! I know I’ve been off the grid but I am just trying to deal with everything and I decided to not abandon my blog and publishing schedule this time so my youtube video is here, just two days late. 

I will just give you some nature and have a cup of coffee with you and talk about random stuff and everything that’s been going on lately. Grab yourself a cup of coffee, tea, a beer or anything else and give me your opinions in the comments as always! 

The video is here for you: https://youtu.be/QY51s-arY9M

Make sure to subscribe and like and all of that. Thank you for being so full of love and support in my up-an-downs lately.  

Sending love and positive vibes, 
Luna 

Latest Poem: Poem #362
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: I lied to you *kinda*

Categories
Poems

Poem #362

When you are your worst enemy
happiness is just a mistake in the code of your existence.

It’s fleeting moments of peace and light
that soon get swallowed by the darkness of your mind.

You tell yourself you don’t deserve it.
You tell yourself you are not worth it.
You are eating yourself alive and you
cannot run away from yourself.

When you constantly stop yourself from moving forward
future is that what others have and you cannot reach.

It’s the promise of a better tomorrow offered to those
who don’t have voices in their head saying: “You can’t do this.”

You are kicking yourself when you are down.
You are drowning yourself in sadness.
You are your own hell
and you don’t know how to live with that.

Latest Poem: Poem #361
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: I lied to you *kinda*

Categories
My life

I lied to you *kinda*

Hello everyone! 

It was a little lie. Yesterday I told you that I don’t have a video for you but I did. I was just extremely insecure about posting it. I tried to write what I said in this video but the post was constantly looking like an absolute mess because I was constantly jumping from one thing to the next, I couldn’t form a sentence well – it was awful. 

I decided to get over my fear and publish the video I made on Wednesday, a day after I published I am not doing okay again. This is literally me working through my issues on camera, talking about domestic abuse, dealing with trauma and emotions.  

I thought that publishing my first video ever was scary but this is the scariest thing I ever published because I feel very vulnerable. But maybe this is what I need. I need to be open, honest, vulnerable and stop thinking people will call me crazy or make fun of me. If I can’t speak to people directly about this, I will speak to a camera. 

So here’s the link, welcome to the inside of my head:  https://youtu.be/bvoENgpvaIE

I hope at least some of this made sense.  

Sending love and positive vibes, 
Luna 

Latest Poem: Poem #361
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: Step by Step

Categories
My life

Step by step

Hello everyone! 

I am getting better. I know that my last post was just me having an absolute meltdown so I just wanted to put this out there. I am getting better. 

I read all of your comments and hopefully I will manage to reply this weekend. It was all overwhelming for me which is why I did not start replying sooner and did not put out a new post regarding all of this.  

The best path for me now was just dealing with the mess in my head and putting that first, the rest will fall in place once the fog is lifted. Here’s a nice spring picture that I took yesterday and made me happy:

Thank you for being so wonderful and so supportive and full of love! I was very sad to read that many of you can relate to what I am going through because I don’t want to think that any of you feel this way but on the other hand it made me feel less alone in it… If that makes sense.  

I know that Friday is Youtube video day, but this Friday will be an exception. Feel free to checkout luna.theblog youtube channel if you haven’t already. 

 As soon as I am back up on my feet, I will resume my usual blogging activities. I am actually getting some posts ready because nothing inspires writing in me like pain.  

I hope you have a wonderful weekend and that you are happy! 

Sending love and positive vibes, 
Luna 

Latest Poem: Poem #361
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: I am not doing okay…again

Categories
Poems

Poem #361

My skin is a shell hiding the mess inside.
My eyes do not give out fear,
mi lips do not stretch to smile.
When I look unapproachable
I get a feeling of safety.

If they don’t ask, I won’t have to tell.
If they focus on the bitchface
they won’t see the anxiety clutched around
my ankles. I have to drag her everywhere.

I flinch when I hear laughter or shouting.
I am constantly scared there are eyes on me.
I am scared of being seen and I’ve spent a lifetime
wanting to be heard.

Leaving my four walls feels like going on trial.
I know they don’t care, I know they aren’t looking
but I cannot shake off this feeling that they
are grading everything about my existence.
I am scared the shell is getting too weak
to hide the misery and fear I am trying
so hard to conceal.

Latest Poem: Poem #360
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: I am not doing okay…again

Categories
My life

I am not doing okay…again

I feel like my life updates on this blog are currently: I am okay / I am getting depressed. That’s it. I think I need therapy.

So yes, I have been consistently working on myself, eating better, working out, reading, meditating and then something just happened. But nothing actually happened. Like my body and mind are just fighting against the good decisions I am trying to make for myself. It’s like I am inviting chaos in my life and I cannot control it.

It all started on Sunday. I was just so damn emotional and sad and lonely. I got up on Monday at 6 as I do to do my workout before my job starts and I barely made it through. I felt itchy the whole day. I couldn’t sit still but I also didn’t want to move. But there was this uncomfortable energy inside of me.

And then I broke my clean eating and all of my good habits by binge eating. That was the alarm. That’s when I was like: January is about to repeat itself. Shit.

I barely made it out of bed this morning. I stayed in bed longer which is usually a sign for me that I am either ill or just not doing well. I was fighting with my craving for nicotine. I drank my coffee and the only think I could think about were cigarettes. I felt so bad. I had to have an internal talk with myself about how far I came without cigarettes and that it’s an unhealthy habit that is not easy to break and that I shouldn’t go back.

And then I sat down and decided to write because pretending I am fine and pretending like this is just a small issue is not going to work for me anymore. Putting stuff in writing means that I admit they are real. That’s why I write about my feelings and insecurities and problems and everything. Otherwise, I don’t consider it real and do not deal with it.

So yes, it’s important for me to let the world know that I am in a grey area. I am doing my best to not go to the dark area of my mind and to spiral again as I did at the beginning of the year. Getting better is a journey and I have to be honest with myself about the good and bad times of it.

All advice, book recommendations and other forms of help are welcome. This is a step forward, I am saying that I need help but I am also well aware that I need to first know how to and do everything to help myself.

I am sorry if you find my posts about being depressed or cooking boring but that’s what my life is currently and that’s okay.

This is also a reminder for you to check in on yourself and check in on your friends and family because someone might seem very happy and okay but they are going through hell in their head.

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna

Latest Poem: Poem #360
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: Productive Sunday

Categories
Poems

Poem #360

I want to say goodbye to myself.
The scared me that has been living in a constant state of losing control.
I want to say goodbye to myself, believe in reincarnation
believe I will come back as someone better.

I am done with myself.
I always thought my mind was playing a game on me
and I came to realize it’s just how I am.
If this were a game, maybe I would have some rules
maybe I would know why I keep on losing.

I can’t put up with myself anymore.
It’s not like I can storm out and run away from me.
I long for the days when my path was unclear because
it seems to me that there is no path left now.
The fog is lifted and the clock struck the time to end this.

Latest Poem: Poem #359
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: Productive Sunday

Categories
Poems

Poem #356

Being strong is a blessing only while
others think you are weak.

Being strong is not a get out of jail free card
when it comes to pain.
Being strong doesn’t mean our skin can’t bruise
or that the scars aren’t deep enough to bleed a river.
Being strong doesn’t always keep us on our feet,
when we fall, the blow breaks our knees.

It is not an invitation for you to push the limits.
It is not a challenge for you to see how much we can take.
It’s not a justification for the world when it hits us harder.
It does not mean we need to go through more pain than the rest.

Latest Poem: Poem #355
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Is it all over in your twenties?
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: I made stew!

Categories
Coffee Date

Coffee Date: Is it all over in your twenties?

Hello everyone and welcome to another Coffee Date with Luna, let’s start.

In many of my previous posts in which I discuss some struggles I’ve been having, I noticed that I often mention my age, the concept of getting older, adulthood etc. I honestly thought that this fear of getting older was something that the patriarchy installed in me as a woman but it was much more than that.

Just to put it out there, I am 24 and paranoid about it.

You want to know why?

Because the world is constantly trying to tell me that my life will start to end around the age of 25. Let me explain!

My surrounding is very traditional when it comes to those “steps” you have to take in life – grow up, school, job, marriage, kids, die. There is this norm that’s imposed on 20-something people when they start getting closer to 30 than they are to 20 and this norm makes the future look like a fucking cage. At least to me.

It’s like you can make decisions, navigate your life freely, pick a career, do what you love and then you become 25+ and that choice is gone. What was done was done, what you studied you studied, you better have a good job and a roof over your head because it’s time to “settle down”. EXCUSE ME?

NO.

For the love of actual God, stop expecting people to fit in with your standards and your rules of what their life should be. Tradition is a thing of the past. We live in a world that is constantly changing and expecting for a 20-something or even a 30 year old to just have her/his life figured out is insane.

I am going to speak from my own perspective. Had I not quit grad school, I would have graduated last year which means that I would be unemployed in the middle of a pandemic. Luckily, I quit, got a job, got a promotion and I am still trying to navigate working on a position that wasn’t really what I went to university for and I never thought I would end up on it. I am still figuring out who I actually want to be and what I want to do in life and this pressure that I need to have it all figured out is making me anxious.

Maybe in two years I decide to go back and graduate. Maybe I will have some sudden desire to start my own business. Maybe I decide to say goodbye to everyone and start backpacking through Europe. Why the fuck shouldn’t I have the option to change my life path completely?

I think that growing older is causing a lot of anxiety for me because I have no one to talk to about this. People around me seem to have a plan, have this all figured out and I often feel like this weirdo that is constantly unhappy, gets easily bored with everything, cannot sit down and make a plan for the future. One of the reasons why I do not like making plans is because it feels like I impose more limits than guidelines on myself when I start planning my future.

For me, not conforming to the norms is the only way to live because conforming would make me lose sight of the things I want and my dreams. It would also kill me in my twenties. I believe that many living in more “traditional” societies understand what I am saying and that we all just need for the world to back off and give us room to grow and create our own futures.

Let me know what you think and have you experienced similar things!

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna


Latest Poem: Poem #354
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Equality in Parenthood
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: Getting Better

Categories
Poems

Poem #352

Does losing creativity mean you have lost your soul?
Does the inability to create art mean you became hollow?

Life should be a well of inspiration but it was what
stripped your passion for expression away.

We have it all and we became the survive nation of the world.
There is no living in pretending to be happy.

The trinkets you acquire to fill empty spaces of your spirit
will always be just trinkets that break easily and go out of fashion.

Maybe salvation is in the rediscovery.
Rediscovery of beauty, art, living and poetry.
The rediscovery of the soul.

Latest Poem: Poem #351
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Equality in Parenthood
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back