Poem #109

The letters of the road signs formed
your name in front of my face. Every
stranger carried your smell. I was looking
for any sign, excuse to contact you again.

Do you know what’s it like to bathe in fear?
The shower is burning hot and it doesn’t stop.
I am not scared of falling back into my old habit
of you. I am scared that after you no one will
be enough, that no one will love me like you.
I still can’t afford to lose you.

 

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Poem #22

I am hiding under the covers. Why don’t
you come here and keep me safe. The world
is trying to wake up my bad side and I’m scared
I’ll never be able to go back. There’s something
lurking in the shadows, getting ready to attack
at any given chance.

 

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Change

Change

Change. The word itself causes so much stress and anxiety that some people fear it more than death. What is it so scary about changing that makes us paralyzed and often depressed? In this world where things change on a daily basis are we so scared to venture outside or universe and embrace the change?

All of these questions started popping into my head 3 weeks ago when I realized that I was moving to another city 400 km from home and that I won’t be studying at a college I wanted. I knew I will be moving out of my house and going to university and I was prepared for that but I wasn’t prepared for my plans to be changed and for me to have to encounter new people and a new environment.

I remember the night before my moving day. It was the first time in my life that fear paralyzed me. I fell into an old habit again – smoking. It was the only thing that relaxed me. So I was just sitting there, on the floor of my empty bedroom, with my cigarette, starring at my suitcases. Right about my fifth cigarette I asked myself: ‘’Why are you such a coward?’’

I cried during the ride to my new ‘’home’’ and at night I strolled down the beach all by myself. I barely survived the first night in my new bed. Two days later my roommate came and our parents went home. We were all on our own.

And then it hit me. I could sit here, feeling sorry for myself or I could make this work. Change won’t be scary if you don’t let it take over.

Be in control, make the change compromise and make it adapt to you. Instead of smoking one cigarette after another to lower down the fear, use it as motivation. Let the fear motivate you to become better and to prove to yourself that you are fearless.

Expand your horizons but don’t forget the views you had seen. The best way to make change adapt to you is to keep some of your old habits. For me it was breakfast time after which I make a big coffee for myself, work on my blog and read.

On the other hand I said you had to expand your horizons so make new habits. Make new friends. Just make new! Let the change slide into your life gradually but don’t let it overwhelm you.

If you manage to let go, but still pull all the strings, in a matter of weeks the change will become your everyday life. It will just blend in until it fully disappears and the fear will be gone with it.

I think that the main confusion about change is that we fight for it but we fight against it. The truth of the matter is that without change we would all be in the same place our whole lives and maybe that place is scary, dark and makes us unhappy but we still hold on to it because that place is familiar and in a way it makes us feel safe. It false safety and it’s false happiness so don’t live in it just because you are scared of change.

It’s easier to survive a change and fight a bit harder for a little while than to spend a lifetime in misery so don’t fear the change – embrace it!

P.S. So this is what happened. My FB page was deleted for some reason and I had 2000 fans. I’m trying to get back on my feet so could you help me a little with pressing like.
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