I do not need you.
I have been through hell and back,
got out by myself.
I shower in burning hot water
to make my skin remember of how
much I am capable of.
I do not need you.
I learned the hard way to stand
on my own two feet.
My knees still bleed, the bruises
pulsate but it doesn’t stop
me from getting up every day.
I do not need you. I want you.
I want you to kiss every wound,
touch every weakness.
You look like you are smart
enough to know what type of
blessing that is.
When I said “Don’t break my heart”
it wasn’t a suggestion.
It was a prayer.
If your soul craves art
like your body craves air
it means that he stole your peace.
You let him tear down the walls
of your museum and destroy
your books and paintings and melodies
Don’t follow him into the dark.
Let him have those ruined paintings,
ripped out book pages and distorted melodies.
You are strong enough to build a new masterpiece.
When I yell, it’s not because I am angry
It’s because I care.
When jealousy paints me a shade of green
it’s not because I don’t trust you
It’s because I am scared of losing you.
When I have an attitude and say what I don’t mean
it’s not because I want to push you away.
It’s because I am trying to get your attention.
My soul gets lost in the unsaid just
like my fingers in your hair.
Learn to read between the lines,
that’s where poet’s heart lies.
Once silence steps in, the lines will go away
and so will I.
You don’t even know I was raised in a world
where showing weakness gets you killed
which is why you are still surprised I am
unable to let you inside.
You hit me up after midnight when
I am already drowned in my nightmares.
You come and go like waves and let me
fall deeper into my denial.
I need to know you are here
to stop my mind from terrorizing me.
But even when you slam the door when you leave
you won’t hear me say: Stay.
I will just hide in my shell.
You told me I lack the ability to trust.
And you were right.
But this, I was trained for this.
I was trained to say goodbye, to leave
without making a sound, to take loss in my stride.
Living with the mantra “Good things don’t happen
to people like me” keeps me on my feet,
ready to run when things collapse and
the painful truth comes out.
You avoid catching him in a lie
because you don’t want to stop the fairytale.
I wish you’d realize you are breaking your heart
every time you turn a blind eye to the red flags.
