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#savingme

Dealing with Trauma Flashback – repost

Certain smells, spaces, situations or people tend to bring up bad feelings we thought we had forgotten about. Most people who went through abuse deal with this problem on the regular basis especially if they just left the toxic relationship or moved away from the abusive parent who left them with a serious trauma.

These bad feelings and flashback can manifest in different ways. Some of the ones I experienced myself are running out of air, losing my touch with reality, feeling like I can’t move, paralyzing shivers up and down my spine, excessive sweating, stuttering etc. One of the worse things I still deal with are my nightmares that happen on a regular basis. The problem with these flashbacks isn’t only that they make you live through your pain again but they can put you in serious danger. If you are in a situation where you could get hurt but your mind has a flashback and paralyzes your body you are in an even bigger danger because you can’t defend yourself.

In my 22 years of life I have been abused physically for roughly eleven years but the psychological abuse continued despite my father not being around because my mind was still trapped and going over everything I experienced as a child. I learned to control it a little bit but there are still certain triggers that give me flashbacks. Some of them are being in the presence of a man who reeks of alcohol, someone putting their hands near my throat…

With time I started to use my breathing to cope with these flashbacks and to calm myself when I wake up from a nightmare. Whenever we get agitated our breathing changes, so in order to ease your mind you need to get back to your normal breathing pattern. Try to even out your inhales and your exhales. Breathe in for 3 second and breathe out for three seconds. It’s that simple and it helps you center your mind. You just need to focus on your breath, on the sensation of air entering and exiting your body. As soon as you get your inhales and exhales evened out you will notice a slight release in your body. Your muscles will get relaxed, your mind will get clear and that pressure on your chest will slowly fade away.

This isn’t something you can accomplish perfectly in one take. It took me years of even reminding myself to breathe when I start having flashbacks and panicking. The other thing that helps a lot is meditation. I think it isn’t even necessary to state all the positive sides of mediation because you already know most of them.

When you get flashback and feel paralyzed, you have the feeling like the abuser is still controlling you. He or she is not doing it, you mind is! You need to become aware of the power your mind has over you and you need to develop techniques to calm it down and to rise above what your mind tells your body to feel.

Remember: Transform pain into strength and you will be invincible.

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Poems

Poem #177

Don’t be ashamed to say
that you want it all but
don’t be a coward when  the
time comes to fight for it.

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Uncategorized

Quote

A little bit of Monday motivation from Fight 

You will fall and you will cry but you
will get back up and you will climb. Life didn’t
give you anything you can’t put up with so be proud
of yourself for making it this far. Here comes another
round – FIGHT!

 

Categories
Coffee Date

Home

HOME – one’s place of residence ; the social unit formed by a family living together

at home

  • 1:  relaxed and comfortable :  at ease

By Merriam – Webster dictionary this is the definition of home and it is accepted by the society. Even when we hear the word home the things that come to our head are a happy family, warmth, our favorite room of our house, the smell of our favorite dish but the problem is that those pictures fade away and all we’re left with are memories or they were never really there.

What is a home?

For me, it should be a place in which we feel comfortable enough to be ourselves, a place in which we are accepted for everything that we are and where we aren’t afraid to face our biggest fears. A bloodline family is not necessary in this picture and neither is a house.

Home can be everything. A person, a song, a place, a piece of clothing, or just ourselves. When we find ourselves in difficult times or when we feel alone, most of the time we want to go home, to the place in which we feel safe so we might as well make that place ourselves.

It’s nice to have someone to lean on and to talk to but at the end of the day, whether you like it or not, you still live inside your skin. Make it comfortable. Learn to be your own backup, your own warrior, your own savior and that feeling of loneliness will slowly fade away. Everyone should work first on their relationship with themselves and then on their relationship with others.

Realize that your own two hands are strong enough to hold you up and build you up.

If you already want to run back home, run back into yourself. At least this way, your home will never be to far away.

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Categories
Coffee Date

You can’t be owned

You are a woman. Put a smile on your face, be sweet and kind, show emotions and be a stereotype we need you to be or we will call you insane, we will call you coldhearted and we will make you believe that there is something wrong with you just because you refuse to fall in the line.

We created these standards for you as a woman to live by and we’ve sent him to make you believe you are something to be owned. He will try to brainwash you and rip out every limb of your free will. He will make you believe that the torture you are going through is a life you deserve, he will make you believe that you were born to walk behind him, he will make you believe that it’s necessary for you to live under his fist and he will hide his intentions with a few nice gestures made to make you feel like a queen without knowing that your kingdom is your very special circle of hell. And if you complain and if you try to get out you will be the woman who cried abuse, the woman who cried rape, the woman who just cried and they will make you remember that this is a man’s world.

He will make a shell out of you. He will make you believe the only thing you have to offer is your body and that the only worth you have is between your legs. He will beg you to get down on your knees for him just so that you would be beneath him and look at him as the king on a throne he believes himself to be. If you don’t bow down to his authority he will place your head up against a wall and press on your neck until you feel the air disappearing from your lungs and he will do it just so you would feel the pain he allegedly felt when he realized that he can’t own you. He will make you believe that the pain he’s putting you through is only there to punish you for not loving him, not satisfying his needs, not being the stereotype he wanted you to be. He will break your bones and your will just because he needs a puppet on a string which will dance around him so he wouldn’t feel alone.

When you show no weakness, when you put on a poker face, when you decide to protect your body and soul from hitting the ground and when you walk away he will make you believe that you have a stone instead of a heart just because you were unable to give him what he needs. He will tell you that you have no conscience and he will try to force a feeling of guilt on you just so he could make your mind weaker, put you in shackles and drag you wherever he wants as if you were a display piece.

No matter what he tells you or how much he hurts you just remember this: “Your mind belongs to you and so does your body. There is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with him because he is in a fight which only exists in his head and he doesn’t understand he can’t get a revenge based on you not bowing down to his needs. He can pretend to be a king and he can pretend to be strong but he will never be as  strong as a woman that claimed ownership of her life when she was standing in front of a firing squad.”

Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made. Forgive him. Forgive all of them because you don’t need the poison of resentment and hatred in your soul. Let him fire all the shots at you because his ammo will disappear one day and he will be left with that voice in his head screaming: “There was no war to be fought! She is a human being, she is not a toy! The place in which her soul lies is a body, not a boxing bag! You were never her master, you were an oppressor!”

Who is he in reality? Your father, your husband or someone else?

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Poems Uncategorized

My Own Medicine

I’ve had these lines running through my head.
Don’t know if they were thoughts or demons
messing with my brain but I knew I had to put them
to rest. I had to put them on a piece of paper.
I’m taking my own medicine.

My hands got weak, my legs weren’t able to hold
me anymore. I got lost because fog fell on the path
I was on but the fog was actually my mind clouding
everything I was supposed to be focused on.

Rule #1 The only thing standing between you
and who you want to be is work so get started.

I thought help could be found in someone else,
in something else but I was just wandering around
this empty place alone. I neglected the fact that I’m
my plan A and B.

Rule #2 Work for yourself, on yourself, by yourself

It seemed like everyone just had it better than me.
I hated life for throwing crumbs of it’s table in front
of my feet. While I was busy hating on the world for
advancing while I was standing I forgot that the crumbs
used to be enough to built something up.

Rule #3 Powerful people know how to appreciate their
success and don’t have the need to compare it to
someone else’s just to get validation that they’re better

Everything was spinning out of control and I became
a damn tornado that destroyed everything I used to have.
I blamed everyone, I blamed everything but I forgot that only
I was the responsible for the mess I called life.

Rule #4 If you feel everything is wrong don’t try to change
everything. Change yourself, change your mind.

Feet move! Hands work! I’ll yell at myself until I find
the strength to pull this through. It’s playing hide and seek
in my mind but I’ll find it, own it and use it to make
myself what I used to be.

Rule #5 Be your own hero.

I’m done with listening, I’m done with insecurity.
if I fall, it’s on me. If I rise, I’ll thank me. Time to do the
impossible and believe that my acts will sum up to
a better thing. I’m just believing what’s within.

Rule #6 Do it for yourself, not for acknowledgment

I’ll take my own advice, I’m taking a taste of
my own medicine. It tastes like regret, it tastes like
pain, it tastes like misery but I’ll put up with it.
I’m being me after a long time of wandering
A new era begins.

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Poems

Fight

You’ll kill yourself trying to fit in,
working a double shift just to pay rent.
Study on the break, got to get those
good grades it’s not like you can buy knowledge.

You’re going to put in your best, hoping
somebody realizes the talents you have
while others just get what they want without
having to move a single bone. It’s not
like there is any problem money can’t erase.

Some of us were born to work and never stop.
It’s not like we got our lives laid out in front us.
This struggle is our all so embrace it, hold onto it,
it’s not like there’s much choice.

You will fall and you will cry but you
will get back up and you will climb. Life didn’t
give you anything you can’t put up with so be proud
of yourself for making it this far. Here comes another
round – FIGHT!

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