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Coffee Date

Coffee Date with Luna: Recognize Your Patterns

Hello everyone and welcome to another Coffee Date with Luna!

Ever since I dropped out of grad school, I have been experiencing a sort of a life crisis. Sometimes it’s okay, sometimes it hits me like a wave and I am a terrible swimmer. One of the things I have learned in this time is that the only way to grow and get the fuck out of this is to review my past actions, what decisions led up to this and how to take accountability for my actions and make better choices in the future. Trust me, I do not have this figured out yet, but baby steps are still steps forward.

One of the decisions I had to review is the type of people I let into my life, especially when it came to romantic relationships. Using the word romantic linked to the toxic relationships I actually had is very amusing to me. I had the attachments, the infatuations, the beliefs I found love and that love will conquer all and now I am here 24 years old and still do not know shit about love. But I do love to write about it.

When I look back and review my relationships, there are patterns I can recognize. I would either get into a relationship that would seem great but it would end abruptly because something was missing, I didn’t feel like the person I was with had any genuine feelings about me, like they didn’t care about me. The second pattern is rushing into relationships that I knew deep down would never work and then being crushed. As if I was looking for this amazing love that would survive the obstacles and thrive. And people, I thrived in one of those relationships that ended up with me crying and smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. It wasn’t just the relationship that was toxic. The consequences echoed in my life for years and when I look back, I cannot help but ask myself: Why do I hate myself so much?

I refuse to take all of the blame for my failed relationships, but I can recognize where I went wrong. I didn’t leave people because they didn’t love me the way I need to be loved, but because I didn’t love myself. I projected my problems and my insecurities on to them. I wanted them to give me the love and attention I never gave myself. I was looking for someone who would care about me because I didn’t care about myself.

I started relationships and became infatuated with men who were bad for me because I didn’t feel like I was worthy or love. I humiliated myself to the point where I accepted crumbs off someone’s table and called it love. This is getting very hard to write but it’s something I have to face in order to be better and do better for myself.

I decided to share with you my relationship issues because you have these patterns too and maybe they just came into your mind. Writing them down, acknowledging these patterns will not solve them but it’s a start of a very long and prosperous journey. You cannot solve your problems in one night, in one post, in facing the truth but you can solve them with consistent work and by being honest with yourself always.

It’s hard. It’s fucking hard. It took me 3 weeks to sit down and write this because it’s not easy to admit that I hurt myself with my past relationships just because I didn’t love myself enough to seek what I deserve, what we all deserve which is love and respect and happiness. Do I love myself now? No. It’s a process but I won’t speed it up by not doing anything about it so, as always, I am sharing my truth here. I hope my little encounter with honesty will help you in your journey.

This is all I can take for this post, it’s hard to write about this when I don’t have my feelings sorted out but I am working on it. This is one of those baby steps.

As always let me know in the comments below your thoughts, what would you want to read about next and let me know how are you doing?

I love you all!

Sending love and positive vibes,

Luna

 

Categories
Coffee Date

You are not an excuse – making machine

You are not an excuse – making machine. God, I wish someone had told me this sooner because for the last 22 years, I’ve been an excuse – making machine. When people would wrong me, treat me bad I would make the excuses for them. If a guy played me, lied to me or if a friend cut me out of their life I would just make an excuse for them in the lines of “He/She is going through a lot now”, “The job is stressing him/her out”, “I know he cares, he’s just too scared to show it”. Damn, I really am a writer. Always making stuff up, explaining, elaborating, making everything poetic.  I need to put an end to this and so do you. Yes, you.

Making excuses for someone’s behavior is stupid, selfish and harmful all at the same time. This is especially noticeable in relationships so I will take them as examples to explain my point better. Let’s start with why this is harmful behavior. If you constantly make excuses for someone, it means that you are constantly ignoring all of the red flags in a relationship and you will end up hurt in the end. We all ignore red flags because we want to believe that the person we met is great but what we are doing is not. You need to be objective. If you feel like someone is ghosting you, ignoring you and only calling you when they are bored or horny then don’t make an excuse for them. They are not busy, they don’t have a lot on their plate, the little attention they give you isn’t anything special – see them for who they are. Not interested in you.

Now, why making excuses for others is stupid. Because it just is. You are actually giving a free pass to someone who is obviously telling you lies, neglecting you, playing with your feelings. You are literally making it easy for her/him to hurt you and that’s just stupid. It’s hard when you like someone, or even when you’re in love with someone, to admit that the person doesn’t want you. It’s hard to stop inventing fairytales about the person we like and admit they are not who we believe them to be. I honestly think that people fall in love more with the people they imagine in their heads than the real people standing in front of them. I think that the best way to stop making excuses for someone is to stop reading too much into the situation. You got dressed up, ready to go and meet him/her for a night out and they cancel with some lame excuse such as my head hurts or suddenly they have a family emergency. I’m not saying stuff like this has to be false but if it’s happening repetitively then it’s probably lies. You need to accept they are not being honest, don’t answer their messages and just try to let go before you fall in too deep.

And my favorite one. Making excuses for others is selfish. You probably think I am not really normal to write this since making excuses for other’s is literally handing someone an excuse so they would continue doing their thing, you are actually doing them a favor but that’s just what we see on the surface. The underlying issue of it is that you can’t accept the truth because it would hurt you so you make those excuses for him/her in order to make yourself feel better and to feel loved by someone. Just to feel that someone actually cares. This is harmful behavior and to be honest, I am guilty of this. Often, when I would feel alone or when I would get attached to someone I would become a victim of this type of behavior and it’s incredibly difficult to break this cycle. We all have the need to have someone around and then it’s just hard to accept that the person we thought was around well… isn’t. Probably never was. The time you spend making excuses for someone, spend doing something that will make you feel better. Turn off the movie in your head, stop replaying everything that happened, stop asking questions you will not get an answer to and go and run, workout, meditate, read a book, get blackout drunk (but give your phone to someone first). Do something other than digging your own grave.

If you feel like I just stabbed you and started twisting the knife inside of you, don’t worry I feel the same because all of this that I’m writing I need to start applying to myself so maybe, possibly I will be strong enough to take better care of myself. No matter how weird it sounds, sometimes taking care of oneself is the hardest thing to do so we indulge in behaviors as making excuses for others, becoming extremely depended on other people, getting attached to quickly to others, neglecting our own needs to constantly cater to others so that they would like us etc. I could go on forever but we’ll leave those subjects for other posts. Just stay strong and work on loving yourself more.

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna

Categories
Poems

Poem #37

People claim that cutting you off
will make me feel better and they don’t
understand why I’m not doing it.
All of them are acting like they don’t
know how hard it is to eliminate someone
from their life. Sometimes we do things
that hurt us just to postpone bigger pain waiting for us.

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Coffee Date

Tinker Bells around the world

She wants it and she needs it. She craves for it. It’s the only thing on her mind. She just wants to feel it deep inside of her. She needs you to give it to her. Get your mind out of the gutter. I was talking about attention. She and all of the others like her only need attention, you know what I mean?

For the sake of keeping this post slightly more decent I will quote a picture I saw on instagram: “I identify with Tinker Bell because she needs attention or she dies and that’s pretty much me”.

I could slap this quote on so many girls’ foreheads just so that the people around them would know what they expect from them, and by people I mean men and lots of them. As I said for the sake of keeping this post slightly more decent I will address this group of attention seekers as Tinker Bells.

Well aren’t those Tinker Bells adorable? You know at least one of them. Her characteristics are that she laughs loudly to be noticed, will flirt with anyone just so that she would come off as desirable, she will pay more attention to her looks and the shortness of her skirt than on making a progress in life, she is the kind of girl who will get in bed with anyone just to get attention and recognition of her looks and, my honestly favorite characteristic – she has no shame, moral and will cross any line just to be surrounded by men. She pretty much needs to have a man strapped around every one of her fingers to validate her life. Pathetic, if you ask me.

Many women who comment on such behavior are being called bitter and jealous. We are not. We are ashamed of the previously mentioned behavior because it makes us all look desperate, in search of attention and just plain pathetic. It’s similar to women getting to high positions in their jobs because they sleep with someone. Some women do it so we all get accused of doing it. As a person that has done many stupid things in her life I can say that I partially understand such behavior but what I don’t understand is when will the Tinker Bells grow up and stop embarrassing all of us?

Snap the hell out of it because the longer you keep with this behavior the more your self-value diminishes. Have some class. When I say class I don’t refer to clothes, shoes, bags etc. I refer to something that can only be grown inside of you. Having class means knowing your worth, being aware of your flaws, having self-respect, not letting everyone have their way with you and fighting to become a better person every day. Those are things you can’t wear or buy. You need to develop them through hard work.

Tinker Bells, stop embarrassing yourself by needing attention to validate your life. Just stop. If you keep on thinking you need anyone to be someone, you will end up being no one.

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Coffee Date Uncategorized

Relationships

Relationships – we all talk about them. Relationships with our family, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, professors, classmates… They are essential for our existence because a human being wasn’t born to live alone.

Since the day we are born we seek human touch, presence and the sense of security that comes with the notion that someone is around but what happens when that just isn’t enough? What happens when relationships become a burden and our mind spirals out of control? How do we form that sense of security that comes with the notion that someone is around if all we want to do is be alone?

Sometimes we get so caught up in all of our relationships that we forget to keep our eyes wide open and remember why we are doing everything we do. Relationships make distractions become our daily routine and then out of the blue our life comes knocking at the door and we’re so scared to open because we become aware of the mistakes we can’t fix.

Right in that moment when we realize nothing is going our way and that we can’t fix it starts the phase of finger-pointing. Everyone is to blame for our failures. We are victims of circumstances. We didn’t bring this on ourselves. It’s their fault, everything is their fault!

We start to blame everyone around us for every bad thing that happens because admitting that we didn’t take control of our life in time is one more burden our backs can’t carry. It’s easier to look at yourself as a little victim than it is to blame yourself for your problems.

In the stage of finger-pointing we normally push people away because we constantly see them as the cause of our misery. Right in that moment our mind is a blur, our eyes don’t see clearly. Right in that moment you need to snap out of it!

Stop blaming everyone and admit it was you. You did this and that. You didn’t take care of yourself. Forgive yourself and give yourself some time to go over everything you did wrong. Don’t push people away, just take time away from them. Take some time to work on your most important relationship and that is the one you have with yourself. You are the alpha and the omega of your life and only you can save yourself.

Work on improving yourself as a person and just take some time to learn how to build that sense of security on your own. Learn how to handle yourself and most importantly learn how to forgive and respect yourself. Make sure you can count on yourself when everything goes down.

Don’t expect you’ll be able to have healthy relationships with other people if you are not one complete person and if you don’t have a healthy relationship with yourself.

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