Poem #216

You left a big question mark in my head
and you’re depriving me of the answers to save face.
You misinterpreted everything I said just to
keep the situation moving in the direction you like
and that direction is as far away from the mess you left
in my brain. Run. Just run away. That’s what you do best.
I hope regret and guilt keep you warm at night since
you traded me for them.

Poem #215

I was the rose you threw to cry over a withered garden.
You didn’t notice I disappeared. For you, nothing changed.
I had light, you flipped the switch.
You want the best for you, told me I wasn’t on the list.
Pain is just a fuel and you gave me plenty.
At least you left me with something other than regret.

 

Just stay single.

When someone exits a relationship that was hard to end, there are certain fears when it comes to meeting someone new, putting yourself out there and I get it. We all get it. What actually angers me is people treating other people as if they were experiments. Let me break this down.

If you are not sure whether or not you are ready to meet someone, get into a relationship with time or just get close to someone then don’t try. Don’t give someone the impression you are interested in them, don’t treat them like you like them, don’t give them false hope, don’t lead someone on just to cut them off. It’s not okay. It’s playing games with people’s emotions 101. You can’t treat someone as if they were your boyfriend/girlfriend, expect the benefits that come with relationships, call that person a friend, make them believe that you’re heading towards a relationship and then end everything by using lines such as “I am not ready for a relationship yet”, “I am scared to get close to you”, “This is all going too fast for me”. Just don’t toy with people.

If you are not sure about getting out there, getting close to someone and if you’re still freaked out when you catch some emotions for a person then don’t go too close to them because it means you are not ready. Just stay fucking single. Fear is not an indicator that you should try something – at least not in this situation because there is a possibility that the person involved will catch feelings for you, get comfortable enough to trust you and get extremely hurt in the end. Then, not only do you have a bad perception about relationships but you’ve also damaged someone else’s perception as well. There’s a chance that the person that got hurt will be reluctant to believe someone new, get to know someone, or let them close. You are just creating more damage and honey, karma is a bitch. Just sayin’.

My point here is not that you shouldn’t go out there but you should listen to yourself. If there’s fear, doubt, anxiety – it means you need more time to heal. You need to find the source of the problem and deal with it. Ask a friend for help or someone who’s close to you but just don’t use people to see if you are ready to date or not. Focus on self-care, heal and things will fall into place.

Poem #206

Suddenly we were strangers. Like there was
a wall through which we couldn’t see each other anymore
and once, not so long ago we would spend endless hours
talking about things we don’t remember now.

It’s like all of the good disappeared as if taken from the
surface by a strong wave that suffocated both of us and
in order to live we had to swim in opposite directions.

Not a single glance, not a single smile when we pass
each other in the street, as if there wasn’t a bond
so strong holding us together, as if we didn’t don’t what’s
it like to hold each other tight. Suddenly we were strangers.

Poem #72

Click, click did my heels
against those stairs but your
ears were unable to hear me
2 o’clock in the morning,
must be boring following me
in your car, begging me to get
in when you could be holding
her legs like a necklace. Hope it
suffocates you next time.

I don’t know what’s colder,
this night or your betrayal.
I don’t know what’s harder,
crying in front of you or
seeing her in my spot.

I had to get away, I couldn’t listen
to you beg. I started running through
the tunnel, in the middle on the white
line. The drivers had more compassion
for my misery than you did. At the end
of the tunnel I didn’t see the light, it
was still night but I found beauty in
the darkness.

Click, click sounded my heels against
the street. My legs weren’t hurting
nearly as much as my heart so I was
sure I won’t be getting into that
fucking car.

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Poem #42

I came back to the crime scene. The crowd, the traffic, everything was the same. It hit me hard as it did the first time. I saw the bus that had the name of your city on it. My mind lost control over my body. I got on the bus and started scanning the places, everyone’s faces had something yours but you… Oh you were nowhere to be found.

– Miss what are you looking for?
– Something I lost here a long time ago.
– Why are you looking for it now?
– That’s the thing with memories. You never know when are they going to strike.

I got off the bus and sat on the station for a while thinking how this was the closest I’ll ever get to you and your town.

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Poem #39

I was wrong all this time.
It was never about getting over you.
It was about stop believing I
was special. It was about seeing
our fairytale for the nightmare it was.
It was about seeing myself as just
one more in your line

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