She was the first sip of
coffee in the morning, the
first snow on Christmas,
a kiss when you need it,
a comedy show when you’re
sad, a source of pleasure
late at night. She was
everything sweet and kind and you made her so, so bitter and so, so sad.
They got flowers for her.
They got perfumes and
expensive necklaces for her.
They took her to dinners in fancy restaurants
and to destinations far away but still
she had to remember that one birthday when
you woke her up with coffee and muffins in bed
in order to fake a smile that she was unable
to contain that morning with you in bed.
I was never good in art class but yet
for you I tried to behave as a descendant of Picasso.
I took a canvas and made you a painting
to explain my emotions better, to make you
see how much it hurts when you do some things,
to let you know what I need more of so that I
could feel safe and loved around you.
I thought you were such a good guy because you
tried to understand and tried to be better but then
I realized I was the girl that stooped so low as to
be forced to draw you a map to my heart because
you couldn’t find it yourself. I was handing you everything
I was, everything I am and everything I will be and
you were still wandering without appreciating this gift.
You are going to have to have patience with me.
I am used to relationships failing miserably.
Since I was a kid love was the feeling ending in
punishment, pain is all I expect from it.
If you think it’s hard to read this, imagine how hard
it is to live it. I should tell you that I’ll try to run like
I always do but for once, this time I hope I’ll be stopped.
I hope you read that well between the lines.
I act in a way you’ll never figure out
how much I messed up and how messed up
Can’t you see how sincere the smile on my face is?
Can’t you feel the sarcasm in the previous statement?
I preach the truth, but I am a lie, an illusion,
a stranger to my own heart, my existence is a
foreign body on this planet.
But I don’t want you to leave so you will never know,
I will never reveal the secrets sheltered under my skin.
You were just good with words, talked your
way out of everything, but with your back
against the wall you crumbled like a scared
child. With me knowing what you did, words
that got you into that mess couldn’t get you out.
It became easy to leave you after I had
realized you weren’t the hero I needed.
I was, all along.
You ask her why she puts on so much makeup
and why she spends so much money on
getting her hair done and why she’s always
buying new dresses and wearing heels.
She tells you it’s because she wants to look
pretty for you. She even paints her nails in
your favorite color and wears that lingerie
you like and twists and breaks her body just
so it could fit into your arms.
Let me now tell you what she’s actually saying.
She does it so that she would be prettier than
the girl you check out while you’re taking her to dinner.
She does it so that she would look better than
the girl sending you pics in your DM.
She does it in hopes you will spend every night
only with her and not the girl that you undress
every Friday night in that cheap hotel.
She knows you aren’t worth it but she loves you
so much that she is crazy enough to put on a facade
every day just to keep you in her life. She is just
doing so much for someone who can’t even
appreciate the treasure he has.
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