You are not an excuse – making machine

You are not an excuse – making machine. God, I wish someone had told me this sooner because for the last 22 years, I’ve been an excuse – making machine. When people would wrong me, treat me bad I would make the excuses for them. If a guy played me, lied to me or if a friend cut me out of their life I would just make an excuse for them in the lines of “He/She is going through a lot now”, “The job is stressing him/her out”, “I know he cares, he’s just too scared to show it”. Damn, I really am a writer. Always making stuff up, explaining, elaborating, making everything poetic.  I need to put an end to this and so do you. Yes, you.

Making excuses for someone’s behavior is stupid, selfish and harmful all at the same time. This is especially noticeable in relationships so I will take them as examples to explain my point better. Let’s start with why this is harmful behavior. If you constantly make excuses for someone, it means that you are constantly ignoring all of the red flags in a relationship and you will end up hurt in the end. We all ignore red flags because we want to believe that the person we met is great but what we are doing is not. You need to be objective. If you feel like someone is ghosting you, ignoring you and only calling you when they are bored or horny then don’t make an excuse for them. They are not busy, they don’t have a lot on their plate, the little attention they give you isn’t anything special – see them for who they are. Not interested in you.

Now, why making excuses for others is stupid. Because it just is. You are actually giving a free pass to someone who is obviously telling you lies, neglecting you, playing with your feelings. You are literally making it easy for her/him to hurt you and that’s just stupid. It’s hard when you like someone, or even when you’re in love with someone, to admit that the person doesn’t want you. It’s hard to stop inventing fairytales about the person we like and admit they are not who we believe them to be. I honestly think that people fall in love more with the people they imagine in their heads than the real people standing in front of them. I think that the best way to stop making excuses for someone is to stop reading too much into the situation. You got dressed up, ready to go and meet him/her for a night out and they cancel with some lame excuse such as my head hurts or suddenly they have a family emergency. I’m not saying stuff like this has to be false but if it’s happening repetitively then it’s probably lies. You need to accept they are not being honest, don’t answer their messages and just try to let go before you fall in too deep.

And my favorite one. Making excuses for others is selfish. You probably think I am not really normal to write this since making excuses for other’s is literally handing someone an excuse so they would continue doing their thing, you are actually doing them a favor but that’s just what we see on the surface. The underlying issue of it is that you can’t accept the truth because it would hurt you so you make those excuses for him/her in order to make yourself feel better and to feel loved by someone. Just to feel that someone actually cares. This is harmful behavior and to be honest, I am guilty of this. Often, when I would feel alone or when I would get attached to someone I would become a victim of this type of behavior and it’s incredibly difficult to break this cycle. We all have the need to have someone around and then it’s just hard to accept that the person we thought was around well… isn’t. Probably never was. The time you spend making excuses for someone, spend doing something that will make you feel better. Turn off the movie in your head, stop replaying everything that happened, stop asking questions you will not get an answer to and go and run, workout, meditate, read a book, get blackout drunk (but give your phone to someone first). Do something other than digging your own grave.

If you feel like I just stabbed you and started twisting the knife inside of you, don’t worry I feel the same because all of this that I’m writing I need to start applying to myself so maybe, possibly I will be strong enough to take better care of myself. No matter how weird it sounds, sometimes taking care of oneself is the hardest thing to do so we indulge in behaviors as making excuses for others, becoming extremely depended on other people, getting attached to quickly to others, neglecting our own needs to constantly cater to others so that they would like us etc. I could go on forever but we’ll leave those subjects for other posts. Just stay strong and work on loving yourself more.

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna

Put your own oxygen mask

In the past few months my life went from comfortable to everything I thought it will never be. In just a few short months I got my Bachelor’s, got into grad school, dropped out, came home after three years of living alone and became a waitress collecting her tuition fee for a private university. That’s a lot to happen in a few months.

Since the day I started to realize I was unhappy about my life, while I was still at my university, I encountered a big problem I used to struggle with as a kid while my abusive father was living with us. My panic attacks were back. It was overwhelming. It was scary. It was also a big, fucking neon sign that said “GET OUT!”.

In these few months I realized the importance of one very simple sentence everyone heard if they were ever on a plane (I was actually never on a plane). The sentence goes: First put your own oxygen mask.

There is so much meaning in this sentence and I guess I, myself, had to go through a bunch of problems, get my panic attacks again to realize I have chosen to take that oxygen mask off and deprive myself of air for so long. I was completely neglecting myself just to make everyone else happy and maintain a certain image about myself because I thought and was taught all my life that I had to do everything to come off as a well put-together person. I was also taught that a university degree is the only road to success, that other peoples’ opinions matter the most etc. I was force fed a lot of bullshit through my life and I am here to tell you to slap that damn oxygen mask on your face.

Stop suffocating yourself and stop making yourself small in order to fit in with some worthless standards our societies and upbringing have made us follow. If you are not happy with yourself, not only are you hurting yourself but you are hurting the people who care about you. When you are in a bad place in your life for a longer period of time you can’t be the person, child, mother, sister, worker, friend, girlfriend, boyfriend that you actually want to be. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to take care of anyone else or make anyone else happy.

Also, if you sacrifice your happiness and wellbeing to make others happy and satisfied with time you will start to resent them and blame them for your own unhappiness. Let me just get this clear. It’s not their damn fault, it’s yours and you need to own up to your mistakes. It was your choice to sacrifice your mental health to make someone else happy. Don’t drown yourself in sorrow now – TAKE ACTION!

Get yourself out of that dark place, find your oxygen mask and put it on. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary. Make yourself the person you want to be so that you could be the person people you care about need. Put yourself first and, I can’t stress this out enough, that is not selfish. Your happiness and mental health are just as important as everyone else’s and it depends on you.

To repeat again (I feel like a parrot): First, put your own oxygen mask!

Starve that bastard

Every single person in this world has an ego. It’s a part of all of us. I perceive it as an animal. When you have a small ego it means you have a small animal which doesn’t have to be fed a lot. In this state you have a lot of space inside your life to do what you love, have understanding and respect for other people and you are capable of being happy for other people. This is a beautiful state to be in. Having this small animal to feed isn’t time consuming and exhausting. It’s like a small puppy.

When your ego is big it means you have a big animal and that is a problem. People who find themselves in this state have a very large animal they have to feed. Their life revolves around keeping their animal fed and giving it even more food so that it would be satisfied. This state is time consuming and exhausting, even though people who find themselves living this life constantly lie they are okay and that their life is just perfect. People like this do not respect anyone, including themselves and the person they hate most is themselves. I know that everyone says that people with a big ego love themselves more than anything but when you look at it better that’s not true. A person that loves himself doesn’t allow his ego to grow into a wild beast that manipulates their life.

These types of people can’t feel true happiness for their friends, loved ones or other people because being happy for other people would mean that other people have something good in their lives which would consequently make the people with the wild beast ego feel unhappy because potentially they don’t have that something good or that something good will make what they have look small and insignificant. Often these people go to great lengths to humiliate other people, put them down, criticize everyone just to feed their own ego and hide their own insecurities and let me tell you something – this is no way to live. I know it because I used to have a big ego.

I’ve heard the term “Burst that bubble and put your feet on the ground”. First of all, a big ego is not a bubble. It’s a high security prison guarded by that wild beast we need to feed so that it wouldn’t harm us. If it were a bubble then all you would need to burst it would be a needle. In reality, you need a whip to control the animal, you need to starve that bastard and you need a hammer to break down the wall and escape. It’s so hard but the end goal is so beautiful. The end goal is that small puppy you don’t need to feed a lot and who doesn’t like puppies?

There is so much bliss in making your ego small, in learning how to love yourself for who you are and gaining respect for other people. Putting others down won’t make you fly higher but recognizing that we are all equals will make your wings wide enough to hug the whole world.

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Believe yourself

One of the motivational quotes all of us have heard is “Believe in yourself”. I completely believe in that concept and I think everyone should believe in themselves and have faith that they can do whatever they want and believe they are enough.

Today, less and less people believe in themselves and have low self-esteem. There are many factors to blame for this, for example maybe someone has insulted you or bullied you or you went through a traumatic experience. Also, there is our perspective of ourselves. We often compare our life, success and looks to other’s and this makes us believe we are not good enough or that we lack something which consequently leads us to stop believing in ourselves.

There is also one more thing about which I want to write about today that stops us from believing in ourselves. We don’t believe ourselves. I know its similar and I know some of you are like “what is she talking about” but let me break it down for you with examples. All of us have at least 4 times in our lives committed to exercising and being fit and the majority of us gave up on that idea every time. Another example for my students out there – every year you promise yourself you will catch up with work on time and won’t leave your studying and essays for the last minute and you do it anyways.

These are not just words. These are promises we keep on breaking. We do not stick to the word we give ourselves and this is building a negative mindset. If you don’t believe what you promise to yourself, how on earth are you supposed to believe in yourself? This is a question most of us overlook and it leads us to run in circles of getting an idea, trying, giving up, feeling like a failure and then again getting an idea… You get the point. The only way to break this is to keep the promises we make to ourselves.

When you constantly give up and break your word, it actually gets easier for you to make a new promise. You say to yourself that you will get up in the morning, have a healthy breakfast and go for a quick run and you actually do it. You feel great but what’s the problem? With time your comfort zone starts to manipulate your brain because you’ve allowed it to do so on so many different occasions. Your brain did not perceive that promise as something solid because you’ve broken it on so many occasions. In the end you find yourself right back with your old habits which make you comfortable but do not fulfill you. You have made your word insignificant and meaningless to your brain. It’s time to change that. You need to be able to believe what you say to yourself every single day!

I have a few steps which could help you stay committed to your goal and to keep your promise to yourself. So firstly, you will write your promise down on a piece of paper and keep it in a place where you can always reach it whether it’s your wallet, phone case or something else. Read the promise loud to yourself a few times.

After completing the first step, it’s time for the second. Make a plan that you will be able to stick to. And I put the emphasize on the last part. Don’t put too much on your shoulders because the weight will drive you to the ground and you will give up again. For example, if you have a busy schedule and want to work out don’t tell yourself you’ll do it every day. Do it every other day, or promise yourself that you won’t let more than two days pass between workouts. You will stick to your plan and it will bring up all of these positive emotions and you will feel accomplished. With time you will expand your plan, make more time to fulfill your promise because it will make you feel great.

The third step is to withdraw yourself for situations which will make you break your promise. Let’s say you have committed to eating less junk food and sugar. Acknowledge the situations in which you feel like eating junk food, for example while you’re watching movies, going out with friends or feeling sad. Just stop watching movies for a while, until you develop your healthy habit. Don’t stop going out with your friends, but when you do opt for better food, one that you know does not contain a lot of sugar and unhealthy fats. Just make sure you set an environment in which you will keep up with your promise. When your will becomes stronger you will spontaneously start doing things you did before without even thinking about bringing back your bad habit.

The fourth step is to write down your progress and all the benefits you have had because of it in order to be grateful for it. Gratefulness is such a beautiful thing which inspires a lot of positive emotions in us and it makes us send out a positive vibe to the universe.

When you keep up your word you will start believing yourself and you will start believing in yourself. These two processes are a dichotomy and they can’t exist one without the other. The promises you give yourself are every bit as important as the promises you give to others. The most important meeting you will ever have is a meeting with yourself and the most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself. Make sure it’s a healthy one! Keep up with your promises, keep up the good work and be grateful – it will lead to positive change and a happy life.

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Scratch under the surface

We live in a world of a commercialized life. We sell it on social networks and in the eyes of other people. We have created a superficial picture of what our lives look like and for some deranged reason we are trying to convince ourselves and everyone around us that surface is all there is. Expensive clothes, a rich social life, throwing around cash, making new trends… But where are we under all of that pile of shit?

This trend is specially developed on Instagram. It became the runway for our #ootd and the main weapon we use to show people how good we are having it, how happy we are, the new things we bought, how much fun we are having and I am not using this article to point a finger at anybody. If I wanted to point fingers I would first point it at myself because I do this just like everyone else but what I can’t understand is why is this trend becoming our only reality. We started to forget how to talk to people about our real problems because you can’t have problems when your life has to be picture-perfect with the right caption. Scratching under the surface became an unknown term for us.

That glass surface has to be broken and we have to stop selling ourselves and our worth. Instead of blindly following trends and desperately trying to fit in we should stand out, celebrate our individuality and accept people for who they truly are. All of that polished surface will not buy us a good personality, happiness, love for ourselves and 200 likes on an outfit post or a selfie will never make you feel good about yourself in the long run.

All of us enjoy that little stimulus social networks give us, but we have to draw a line between what is real and what we want to present as real. Reprogram your brain in a way it thinks in the same amount about your actions and attitude as your appearance and the social aspects of your life. Stop hiding yourself in order to fit in. Do you really believe that years of evolution should result in all of us acting, thinking, believing and saying the same thing? We are not born to be robots.

Enjoy a bit in listening to other people, discovering facts about them instead of only looking at their pictures and reading their captions. Scratch under the surface. Learn how to enjoy small, sweet moments of your life instead of looking for Insta-perfect moments to share with the world. When you wake up in the morning don’t immediately turn on your phone to catch up on what’s been going on while you were sleeping. Take a few minutes for yourself to wake up, eat something, arrange your thoughts, think about your plans and to build a positive look on the day ahead of you. Use all of your senses to be completely alive and present. Just, scratch under the surface.

 

Link to the article  BAD FEMALE, GO TO YOUR ROOM (and escape through the damn window): https://www.ebay.com/itm/352457536757

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Choose yourself

Everyone is so afraid of loneliness that we rarely become aware of the fact that we are actually never alone. While endless thoughts are flying through your head, you are not alone. Loneliness comes creeping up when we lose a friend, our family’s support, when we are single or when we just don’t feel connected to other people. Because of this we often “drown” ourselves so much in other people and please everyone just to keep them around that we become unaware of the damage we are causing to ourselves.

The problem of loneliness isn’t in not having anyone, it’s in not being aware that we have ourselves.

First you have to establish a healthy connection to yourself. You will know when that happens because in that moment loneliness will no longer be a problem and the silence won’t feel so creepy. It’s good to choose yourself. It’s good to work on yourself. It’s good to become a bit introverted in order to find your inner peace.

Putting your own needs ahead of everything else isn’t selfish – it’s necessary! People who will turn their backs on you for doing so don’t have your best interest in heart. I am not trying to say that you should shut the world out and only give yourself all of your attention. Be there for your family and friends but also think about your needs, put yourself as a priority and stop neglecting your needs and dreams. As long as you are not happy you will never be able to fully integrate yourself in the world and that feeling of loneliness will keep on haunting you.

If you are a career oriented person, sometimes you will have to cancel a coffee date or a night out in order to rest and have enough time for your work or studies. There’s no need to feel bad or left out because of it and if your friends or boyfriend/girlfriend criticize you about it that means that your wellbeing isn’t so important for them. Don’t keep your goals and plans quiet. Explain to others why you do what you do and those who sincerely care about you will support you and find a way to understand you.

Every now and then find a night to close the doors on the world, be alone, turn off the internet and work on yourself and on your inner peace, to make clear plans about reaching your goals. Don’t always cater to other people’s need and ignore yours. You are just as important as other people and on your list of priorities you have to write with big capital letters “ME”!

Link to the article  BAD FEMALE, GO TO YOUR ROOM (and escape through the damn window): https://www.ebay.com/itm/352457536757

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