Poem #166

I refer to this place I’m in right know
as to a dead spot. I’ve been on this dead spot
for years,  no movement forward or backwards.
the same shit, every day, for years.

I bang my head into a wall thinking it will bring
me clarity because no right answer in my life
came from happiness. It always came from pain.
Nothing happened. I just have a red mark on my
forehead now. Guess the pain isn’t working anymore.

But that one great thing is coming. I know it is. I’ve been
waiting for it for years. High school graduation, university,
boyfriends, new job, new meditation… I thought all of these
things were that one big thing, but I was wrong. And I was wrong
one too many times and now the doors are shut and the windows
are so small I can’t crawl out and I’m stuck here on this dead spot
and I’m trying and I’m pretending I know where I’m going and the
key word here is “I” because it’s just me here, I’m alone here.

I did this to myself. I got me here and I don’t know how to get out.
I don’t know how to ask for help. I can’t find that one big thing,
that great change. Maybe I am the thing that needs to change.
Who am I?

Diet Crack

Water –
Caramel color –
Aspartame –

Caffeine feels
Glorious until you
Read the label…

My wife can live
Without it and I
Wonder how.

“Just drink water”
She likes to say,
But it can’t keep me awake
And I need to be awake
Because the internet
Might go away if I’m
Not surfing.

Bio: Ben is an author and poet from the Central Ohio area. He hosts a poetry group at the Delaware Library in Delaware, Ohio. While not working in bookkeeping and payroll, he loves to spend time with his wife and mini dachshund.
Blog: https://benjaminditmars.com

If you would like to have your work published in The Poetry Bar send your poem, a few words about yourself and the link to your blog and Instagram (if you have one) to the e-mail poetrybar1@gmail.com 

Poem #160

I can feel your eyes observing me
but every time I look at you, you
pretend you don’t notice me.

I don’t mind your glance at me but
to be honest, I wouldn’t mind
you approaching me.

Come on shy love, don’t look away.
A few hidden looks won’t get us
anywhere. Wouldn’t it be better
if you sat next to me and told me your
name? God knows where this could lead,
maybe it will be a true romance.

Come on shy love don’t become a memory
before you become anything to me. If you
don’t like to talk that’s alright with me. Just
hold my hand and we’ll hit the floor. Let your
actions speak and move your body to the rhythm of
music.

Come on shy love, don’t keep me here thinking
what could have been. Let our eyes meet and give
a little smile to me. In your eyes I’ll find the words you can’t
say. Come on shy love don’t let this spark we have fade away.

Poem #159

I had doubts from the beginning
and I guess I should have listened
to that voice in my head saying: ‘’slow
down girl, it’s going so fast’’.

Not really sure what was I looking for,
maybe some love and affection. I knocked
on the wrong door and entered a chamber
of regret that has no exit sign.

I’m just sitting here, wondering where I
went wrong. Maybe I should have been
more careful and listen to my inner voice.

I feel weak and I need manna to fall from the
sky because I doubt I’m capable of even fighting
for my breath right now.

This chamber of regret has a sweet taste to it.
I think I’ll just sit here some more and contemplate
about my deed. No rage, no sadness – just thinking.

Will it give me strength to pull myself out of this strange
place? I don’t know, but right now I got used to the silence
and it doesn’t torment me like it did before.

I’ve made so many mistakes and I know I should
make it right but I have no strength to change.
This chamber of regrets became my safe place.

Poem #154

You loved it when I kissed your back
and hugged you from behind. It was
probably because you didn’t want me to
see your eyes and the intentions hiding
in those big brown sweet lies. I had a
safety line and decided to cross it for you.
Turns out there was a cliff behind it and I
fell heart first into the abyss. Shit, even after
losing you I’m still falling.

I was the light to your darkness, the sun to
your moon. We were yin and yang, the perfect
balance of right and wrong but your wrong drained
out my right. Did you actually think that what you
imagined to feel for me would make you change your
ways? You? A boy hiding behind “It’s too hard” excuses
without having tried anything in life. You? A selfish
child who only knows how to count to one because
he always puts himself first.

You didn’t love me. You loved the idea of me.
You loved how I contrasted you, you loved having
arms to hold you at night, legs to spread,
a shoulder to cry on, someone
who will always justify your destructive deeds.
The things  you allegedly loved about me
didn’t make me your loved one, or the one
that can have faith in you and feel safe with you.
They made me replaceable.

I am aware of all of this but shit, I’m still falling.

I got better at typewriting!

So guys, I already told you about Olivia, my typewriter that I found in my mother’s apartment. I am so happy that I have her and I’ve decided to post some of my poetry that I typewrite up on Instagram. Do you like it?