Poem #332 – Purge

You wake up with nausea and dizziness 
but not with the will to wake up.
Go through the day not feeling like yourself,
you are selling your soul to the devil and that
devil is the world you are trapped in.
At night, before bed, you are in the shower for hours. 

You are trying to purge the sin from your body with water
as if you just stepped out of a Bible while in reality
you have been questioning the existence of God
for years now. You turn the water off, your body is burning
but for a moment there you feel clean. 
You promise yourself that in the morning it will be better. 

You wake up with nausea and dizziness 
but not with the will to wake up.
You are already late so you do not have time to
have a shower to see if the magic works in the morning as well.
You slap on a smile to avoid the questions, not realizing
this fakeness is eating away at your soul. 

The poet inside of you invites you to write the feelings down,
he whispers in your ear that they are bottled up.
So you try to purge that thing out of your body with
words and verses for yourself or for the world to read,
laugh at, call you crazy because of that. 
But for a moment there, it empties your mind. 

It’s all for moments, nothing lasts.
You cannot purge something rotten that grew inside.
You can only heal it but you are too weak from trying 
to purge it out as if a broken heart can be purged.
You are just tired and want to close your eyes
but the demons never sleep.  

Poem #331

Just come home.
This is not in a selfish way, I am not
asking you to come back to me.
I am asking you to come home. 

To the home that doesn’t have a roof
or 4 walls.
To the home where you feel safe, 
no matter where it is.
Just come home. 

The lines and the smoke won’t 
ease that mind. You need to come home.
There is safety in the light,
there can be peace in the dark.
Just come home. 

Poem #330

I do not need you.
I have been through hell and back,
got out by myself.
I shower in burning hot water
to make my skin remember of how
much I am capable of.

I do not need you.
I learned the hard way to stand
on my own two feet.
My knees still bleed, the bruises
pulsate but it doesn’t stop
me from getting up every day.

I do not need you. I want you.
I want you to kiss every wound,
touch every weakness.
You look like you are smart
enough to know what type of
blessing that is.

Poem #328

If your soul craves art
like your body craves air
it means that he stole your peace.

You let him tear down the walls
of your museum and destroy
your books and paintings and melodies

Don’t follow him into the dark.
Let him have those ruined paintings,
ripped out book pages and distorted melodies.

You are strong enough to build a new masterpiece.

Poem #252

I have wanted you for all the wrong reasons.
I still want you for all the wrong reasons
This is why you are not coming around.
This is why our worlds will never be one.
I wanted you so you can love me when I can’t
love myself and is there anything more selfish than that?

I Miss Art

Hello everyone!
Sometimes I just have the need to share with you my random thoughts and this is going to be one of those posts.

I miss art. I miss poetry. I miss novels and drinking tea accompanied with a good book. Lately my schedule has been a mess. For the next three days I am literally going to wake up at 4:45 in the morning and come home after 9 in the evening – just to give you a general picture of my life currently. I have less and less free time due to my two jobs, studying digital marketing etc.

Because of my studying I am reading a lot of books about digital marketing and community management. Today as I was reading one of those books I just thought to myself that I miss art. I am not saying that educational or self-help books aren’t art but I miss verses, I miss books that make me think about life, I literally miss having a plot to follow when I read.

Books and music have always been a great inspiration for me and I think that my writers block has a lot to do with me not reading enough. Have you ever experienced just a strong yearning for art. It’s just a part of me, I am sort of a poet, and it is important for me to have some time alone with my favorite authors and to discover new authors. This weekend I have three days off and I just hope – no actually I promise to myself – that I am going to make time to sit down and just indulge in some good art.

It’s actually important for my mental health. I am not saying that self-help books and watching Jay Shetty don’t do enough for my mental health but art literally heals. It can just make people let go of painful experiences, heal wounds, make us confront fears and dreams we keep hidden in the back of our mind.

Art. I just miss art.

Poem #141

There was no flaw in the men who came
into my life after your departure. The only
one flawed was me desperately trying to find
a trace of you in every one of them.

I hurt others because you hurt me.
I abandoned others because you abandoned me.
I was incapable of holding on because you let me go.
You dragged me to the same hell in which you burn.
You turned me into something no better than you
and I am a fool that let you.

Transformers exhibition

Hello guys! So this post is completely unrelated to my blog but I really liked this small exhibition here in Zadar. It was a small Transformers exhibition near the bridge. Since I took these pics with my phone they aren’t really good but I hope you like them. These transformers were humongous.

I just have to translate this sign for you because it’s awesome.

“ WARNING! Please don’t touch or climb onto the Transformers. Every contact with the Transformers will be at your own risk.”

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Pain addict

Like a paper in flames I burned out.
I’ve let my mind drag me to the ground.
I let it control how I feel and I’ve let it
poison the life in me.

Hurtful words started to find their way
out of my mouth and like an addict I fed
on the pain and it was my drug. Like a fly
I got stuck in the spider net and I’m not trying
to free myself.

This great shadow raised itself from my eyes
and covered the world I used to love. Even if
I ran a thousand miles I’d still feel it like a ghost
creeping upon my thoughts.

Sometimes I wake up at the dawn and
let the sunrise fill my head with hope but
the magic disappears from my reach and
I realize I can’t push it down, I can’t hide
what’s in me. I became such a pain addict.

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