Poem #233

It doesn’t really hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while.
Sometimes the memories float through my
mind and make me shiver but it doesn’t
hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while. Sometimes
I miss you before closing my sleepy eyes and
I feel like I can feel your touch but it doesn’t
hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while.

Years and years ago people waited for the
pain to go away, for the heart to heal and then
they were alright, but now it’s hard to clean one’s
life from a former lover’s presence. You are
virtually reminding me that you’re not mine but it
doesn’t hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while.

To hell with pain, I can deal with that but I
can’t deal with not being able to escape your
eyes and move on with my life. You are always looking
at me from pictures, reminding me of what we
had and even thought it doesn’t hurt anymore,
and it hasn’t in a while, I’m still sitting here waiting
for your presence to go offline.

I’m waiting for your name to stop being on the top
of my messenger contacts. I’m waiting for my hand
to stop clicking your name wanting to write something.
I’m waiting for Instagram stories to stop telling me
where you are. I’m waiting for the day I’ll stop opening
them. I’m waiting for our pictures to disappear from
my gallery. I’m waiting for a day I’ll be strong enough
to delete them like you deleted me.

But it doesn’t really hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while.

Poem #231

The road is dark, the steps are heavy.
With each breath you gain more understanding
for his actions, for his addictions.
You look in the mirror and the reflection smiles
saying that you look just like your father.
Every lunatic needs his doomed heir.

Poem #216

You left a big question mark in my head
and you’re depriving me of the answers to save face.
You misinterpreted everything I said just to
keep the situation moving in the direction you like
and that direction is as far away from the mess you left
in my brain. Run. Just run away. That’s what you do best.
I hope regret and guilt keep you warm at night since
you traded me for them.

Poem #213

I will just shut down. Fake it ‘till you make it.
Maybe I’ll make the feelings go away.
On a rainy day and on a sunny day I’ll have the
same expression.
Nothing will touch me.
Nothing will bother me.
I’ll close my eyes at the sign of memories, I’ll stop
breathing when I feel a familiar smell next to me.
Fake it ‘till you make it all go away.
I’ll lock my soul in a safe place so that I can dust her
off anytime I need to pick up my pen.
Fake it ‘till you make it.
Fake it ‘till you make it.

Just stay single.

When someone exits a relationship that was hard to end, there are certain fears when it comes to meeting someone new, putting yourself out there and I get it. We all get it. What actually angers me is people treating other people as if they were experiments. Let me break this down.

If you are not sure whether or not you are ready to meet someone, get into a relationship with time or just get close to someone then don’t try. Don’t give someone the impression you are interested in them, don’t treat them like you like them, don’t give them false hope, don’t lead someone on just to cut them off. It’s not okay. It’s playing games with people’s emotions 101. You can’t treat someone as if they were your boyfriend/girlfriend, expect the benefits that come with relationships, call that person a friend, make them believe that you’re heading towards a relationship and then end everything by using lines such as “I am not ready for a relationship yet”, “I am scared to get close to you”, “This is all going too fast for me”. Just don’t toy with people.

If you are not sure about getting out there, getting close to someone and if you’re still freaked out when you catch some emotions for a person then don’t go too close to them because it means you are not ready. Just stay fucking single. Fear is not an indicator that you should try something – at least not in this situation because there is a possibility that the person involved will catch feelings for you, get comfortable enough to trust you and get extremely hurt in the end. Then, not only do you have a bad perception about relationships but you’ve also damaged someone else’s perception as well. There’s a chance that the person that got hurt will be reluctant to believe someone new, get to know someone, or let them close. You are just creating more damage and honey, karma is a bitch. Just sayin’.

My point here is not that you shouldn’t go out there but you should listen to yourself. If there’s fear, doubt, anxiety – it means you need more time to heal. You need to find the source of the problem and deal with it. Ask a friend for help or someone who’s close to you but just don’t use people to see if you are ready to date or not. Focus on self-care, heal and things will fall into place.

Poem #212

Don’t kick open a door and
tell someone to leave just to
stay surprised when they do
exactly that. It’s not strength,
you are not powerful for doing that.
Strength is being vulnerable enough
to ask someone to stay.