Poem #188

You begged for the rain to last a month.
Just so we could hide under our umbrella
of mutual lies, fairytale moments and beliefs
of us ever standing a chance.

Once the umbrella is closed we will be
standing in the sun but we won’t
be facing each other. The raindrops hitting
my window will always bring a memory
of your touch.

Poem #187

A long time ago I lived on the run
from life, truth, reality and everything that hurt.
In a certain point my head banged against
a wall and the path I ran on suddenly disappeared.

The walls are closing up on me, everything I have they’re
crushing. It’s kind of hard to breathe in this fog of memories.

I was never the one to stand still and let the world
cave in around me so I did the worst possible thing.
I’ve killed. I’ve killed my touch with reality, my bond
with family, I’ve killed every single piece of me that was
too big of a danger for my sanity.

I stitched up every wound, I’ve turned every source
of pain into lyrics and quotes but the same words with
which I let go are coming from other people’s mouths and
minds and I can’t stop them from flowing my way.

The words always stay and they get engraved into my brain.
I’ll put up my mask and pretend they’re not there until I break
down again. Then I’ll just keep on being a murderer and I
won’t stop until I do the biggest crime. I’m not stopping until
I kill every last piece of humanity in me.

Numbness is my goal and it justifies all means. I’ll be a killer
until I manage to stand against anything

Poem #184

I was looking tonight for a song that
will perfectly depict how I feel and make
me let it all out. Some sweet melody to
bring on the tears that are suffocating me,
to get rid of the lump in my throat but not
a single beat came close to describing it.

In the end I was able to sum it all up in
a simple sentence: Broken in need of healing
And so the waterfall began, the healing
came streaming down my face.

Poem #170

They all create noises all the time
but they don’t say much. Convinced
they know what I need and what is
best for me. Trying to make me believe
I’m making a big deal out of everything.

I’m just stuck between extreme happiness
and utterly painful sadness. Don’t know what
this thing is. It’s mixing itself in my blood, getting itself
to my brain and then controlling my mouth and
stopping me when I want to call for help.

It’s like they’ll laugh at me, it’s like they’ll
tell me it’s all in my head, it’s like they’ll talk
behind my back all over again, it’s like they won’t
understand again, it’s like they’ll make me feel worse,
it’s like they just won’t hear the words I want to say.

No matter how many times you push me
around you won’t take this power my hands
have when my brain tells them what to write.
I’ll never let you take that, it’s the only thing
I got. No, I won’t let you take writing out of my arms.

I’ll just sit in this cloud of smoke like I do every
month until I find the strength to smile and say
that everything is just fine. I’ll poison my blood
in hopes that the nicotine will poison what’s living inside.
A cigarette between my lips will keep my mouth shut.

It’s like they’ll laugh at me, it’s like they’ll
tell me it’s all in my head, it’s like they’ll talk
behind my back all over again, it’s like they won’t
understand again, it’s like they’ll make me feel worse,
it’s like they just won’t hear the words I want to say.

Poem #168

I’ve kept all of this bottled up inside
for so long that it just can’t all come
out of my mouth or through writing.
It started crawling out of me through
the hole you left in my chest and it burns
even more than your betrayal did.

Poem #166

I refer to this place I’m in right know
as to a dead spot. I’ve been on this dead spot
for years,  no movement forward or backwards.
the same shit, every day, for years.

I bang my head into a wall thinking it will bring
me clarity because no right answer in my life
came from happiness. It always came from pain.
Nothing happened. I just have a red mark on my
forehead now. Guess the pain isn’t working anymore.

But that one great thing is coming. I know it is. I’ve been
waiting for it for years. High school graduation, university,
boyfriends, new job, new meditation… I thought all of these
things were that one big thing, but I was wrong. And I was wrong
one too many times and now the doors are shut and the windows
are so small I can’t crawl out and I’m stuck here on this dead spot
and I’m trying and I’m pretending I know where I’m going and the
key word here is “I” because it’s just me here, I’m alone here.

I did this to myself. I got me here and I don’t know how to get out.
I don’t know how to ask for help. I can’t find that one big thing,
that great change. Maybe I am the thing that needs to change.
Who am I?

Poem #164

What we had was so carefree like a Sunday
morning, so natural as the summer breeze,
so sudden as the smell of sea salt in the air
The only problem was that I wasn’t me.

You took away my breath and worries in
a single heartbeat and I let go of everything
because it was easy, for once something was easy.

We were opposites that weren’t supposed to attract.
Too much dark of a different kind can’t create light.
When I was with you people could finally see
what I didn’t want and who I never could be.

It doesn’t hurt anymore that you didn’t really love me
because the person I was with you wasn’t me, wasn’t even real.