Cry it out

It has been a long time since I posted anything authentic on my blog so here I am, just a girl, a blogger, a writer, telling you that my inspiration should be on the back of a milk carton because it’s MISSING!

I am fighting this writer’s block for more than a month now which is why I haven’t been posting a lot of my original work. At the beginning I just thought it was because I have moved past some experiences which used to fuel my writing (which I actually did), then I took on the excuse that it’s because I work too much and then I started to believe that I haven’t been reading enough, dedicating myself to art enough which caused my block. All of these reasons are correct but they are not the main reason why it has been hard for me to write lately.

The main reason is that I became detach from myself. I can feel something just bottled up inside of me and I am trying to keep it that way by not addressing the issue. It’s hard to actually explain what it is because I have no idea what it is. I just know that somewhere in the last few months something snapped inside of me and it resulted in my inspiration just fading away.

I want to talk to you today about the first sign that actually pointed to this issue. Crying. I know that mostly people associate crying to sad events and feel uncomfortable talking about it (as if it wasn’t completely normal) but crying is therapeutic.  Crying as well as laughing actually heals your soul in many ways and crying helps you to just let go of anything that has been causing you pain and suffering.

My problem isn’t that I cried a lot, my problem is that I didn’t feel the need to cry at all for a long time. Shit happened, I had reasons to be sad in the past few months but nothing. Nada. Zero tears. You remember I mentioned something bottled up inside? Well, it started to boil inside of me obviously and then it started. I just choke up because of random things, my eyes get filled with tears because of such random events that I am now going insane and telling people that I have allergies.

Whatever I bottled up, wants to burst out and this is why I learned the importance of crying at the wonderful age of 23. There’s nothing wrong with crying. Sit down, get yourself a glass of wine, put on some sad songs and cry it out. You will feel better and you will be more connected to your emotions.

I have a lot of work to do on myself to repair this damage I unconsciously inflicted upon myself, my writing, my soul and mental health but I am getting there. I just wanted to share this with you because I think it’s important to talk out loud about crying and getting in touch with your emotions, recognizing pain instead of trying to hide it. Don’t bottle things up so you don’t end up like me now.

Anyways, I hope all of this made some sense. As you can see this writer’s block is causing me difficulties with expressing my point but the only way to beat it is to WRITE WRITE WRITE and cry obviously.

Sending love and positive vibes,

Luna

Get out of the box

Fear and other peoples’ opinions are the killer of dreams and prosperity. This is a phrase I have to repeat to myself daily and it took me years to come up with it and to completely acknowledge it.

I thought that I was always held down by others, that my life was a product of other peoples’ choices when in reality my response to their opinion was fear which made me put a hold on my dreams and taped my mouth shut when I wanted to speak up. Despite knowing that I need to listen to my gut, I still catch myself obsessing about somebody else’s opinion and I fear doing what I think is right because someone will judge me. Soon it will be a year since I said “ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT!”

A year ago I quit my university to do something. I had no idea what I was going to do. I just thought to myself that I need to step out of the box I put myself into and think for a second what is it that I really want. Trust me when I say that taking a step out of the box is never taking a step out of the box. First you scratch the surface a bit and they you wait to see what happens. Then you try to fix the scratch because you think you’ve done something wrong. Then you reach your hand through that box to feel the ground around it. Then you get scared and put that hand back. Then you sit tight in your box until you recover. After sometime you get your head out of the box and see that there are no monsters out there trying to kill you except the ones you make up yourself and you can control those. It’s all in your mind, it’s all about your mindset

That box can be the death of you so start scratching, reaching your hand out, seeing what’s out there because trust me that the journey is difficult but the outcome is amazing. A year ago I never thought I would be where I am today. I found myself in digital marketing. I finally came to accept that I don’t have to have everything figured out. I don’t think that not having a masters will make me beg on the street. I am educating myself through different channels, I am exploring my options, I am putting a price on my work because I finally realize my work is worth something.

The thing I want you to know is that you need to trust your gut, it already knows where you’re supposed to go. Give yourself some credit for how far you’ve come and keep on pushing. All you need is one person that believes in you and you need to be that person. Be your own backup plan, be your own cheerleader and just ignore the noise because that’s what it is. Just noise. People who have time to talk about you are people who have nothing better to do. Don’t give yourself enough time to be like them. Stay focused on what you need, what you want, where you want to go. It’s not a sin to put yourself first, it’s a necessity.  Embrace who you are and step into everything you are meant to be.

Poem #240

And so we decide it’s better to be alone
than to be hurt.
After years of experience we believe
it’s best to kill what makes us human
than to let it kill us.
So we fight during the day and surrender
to regret during the night because fear
never filled empty spaces, it just made
them larger.

#savingme – Poem #240

I am doing this old school, putting pen to paper.
Like 13 years ago when I started writing this mess down,
learned that violence can inspire creativity.

On the floor, the bed dragged to the door,
mommy told me not to make much noise because dad
was convinced he was alone.

In case he heard me, got upset and kicked the door down
there was only one way, jump out of the window
to the grass that, I swear, was never the greener.

I found a gift in your violence, beauty in the bruises
that covered my mother’s body every time you saw the
bottom of the bottle.

I found words beneath the insults to write down my anger,
to make sure it doesn’t boil inside of me turning me into the
drunk, selfish monster you came to be.

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#savingme is the column where abuse victims can publish their experiences just to let go and find comfort and support. Maybe it doesn’t feel like much but just publishing your story for others to read makes you strong. You can send your story about the abuse you went through to savingmestory@gmail.com and you can choose if you want it to be anonymous or not. More details here. 

Poem #239

Can’t you see it’s still me behind this mask.
I thought you would see through this version of me.
Just believe there are good intentions behind this.
I know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions
but I am paving my road back to me. Can’t you hear
these tired steps that I am taking?