Categories
My life

This book is calling me out.

Hello everyone!

There was a book that was recommended to me in the comments of my post I am not doing okay…again. I started reading this book recently and I came to a chapter about lost connections with people and felt personally attacked by this book, here’s a quote from the book:

Anywhere in the world where people describe being lonely, they will also— throughout their sleep —experience more of something called “micro-awakenings.” These are small moments you won’t recall when you wake up, but in which you rise a little from your slumber. All other social animals do the same thing when they’re isolated too. The best theory is that you don’t feel safe going to sleep when you’re lonely, because early humans literally weren’t safe if they were sleeping apart from the tribe.

I still feel attacked by this book because… it’s making me face my own problems. I do this “micro-awakening”. It sounds like something spiritual, positive but it’s obviously not. I was told, through my life by people who slept next to me, that I do stuff like this but I never googled it and I never wanted to learn more about it. I was just convinced that it was a consequence of my nightmares I’ve suffered with ever since I was very young. Well… guess not.

I have an almost non-existent group of people who are close to me and it wasn’t always like that. During me teen years, I was an extrovert. I had a big group of friends, I was very social, went out, was into partying for a while, I always had someone to talk to, grab a cup of coffee with etc. The me you know today and the me from a few years ago are not the same person. I always thought I became an introvert as I grew older but deep down even I know that’s not the case. I like people, I love talking for hours with someone but there’s something stopping me from doing that in the last few years. I honestly cannot name an event(s) in my life that made me close the door, alienate myself from my friends and convince myself I am supposed to do it all on my own.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy solitude but to an extent. In the last few years, I have been having an abundance of it.

I know pretty much when this shift happened for me and it was about 5 and a half years ago. That was the time I started writing this blog. It’s funny to me to see how I closed up from the world but at the same time I was so scared of being alone that I built a whole online community to escape that awful feeling of loneliness. It’s interesting and kind of sad at the same time.

One thing I know for sure is that I am not the only one. More and more people are able to be more open online, behind a keyboard then they are face to face with other human beings. The internet can give us the feeling of belonging to a community but at the end of the day, as we can see in this pandemic, nothing will ever substitute human interaction.

I know that my insecurities had a role to play in this. I haven’t struggled so much with insecurities when I was younger but with time I became very unhappy and developed this fear that people just don’t like me or have a bad opinion about me which made it exponentially harder for me to meet new people and let anyone near me. Being aware of the fact that I have years of issues to unpack to get to the bottom of things, makes me scared and makes me want to pretend like everything is just okay. Like this is all natural. Like everyone feels unhappy with their own life and drowns themselves in projects every two weeks to try an conquer a feeling of emptiness. You all do that, right?!

This book is really eye-opening for me. I went through the chapters about disconnection from meaningful work and people and felt attacked in both chapters because they were just speaking strongly to me. The remaining ones are disconnection from values, childhood trauma, respect, natural world, hopeful or secure future and I can see myself feeling attacked in 3 of those but I will keep on reading and I highly recommend you do to! Oh yes, the book is called “Lost Connections” by Johann Hari!

That’s it for me, I have to get back to filming now. While I am not reading this book and opening my own wounds, I am filming my new Youtube video and that’s pretty much my Saturday summed up. What have you been up to?

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna

Latest Poem: Poem #362
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Justifying Rape Culture Make You an Accomplice
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: All that Sugar

Categories
My life

Come have a cup of coffee with me

Hello everyone! 

I hope you are having a lovely weekend! I know I’ve been off the grid but I am just trying to deal with everything and I decided to not abandon my blog and publishing schedule this time so my youtube video is here, just two days late. 

I will just give you some nature and have a cup of coffee with you and talk about random stuff and everything that’s been going on lately. Grab yourself a cup of coffee, tea, a beer or anything else and give me your opinions in the comments as always! 

The video is here for you: https://youtu.be/QY51s-arY9M

Make sure to subscribe and like and all of that. Thank you for being so full of love and support in my up-an-downs lately.  

Sending love and positive vibes, 
Luna 

Latest Poem: Poem #362
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: I lied to you *kinda*

Categories
My life

I lied to you *kinda*

Hello everyone! 

It was a little lie. Yesterday I told you that I don’t have a video for you but I did. I was just extremely insecure about posting it. I tried to write what I said in this video but the post was constantly looking like an absolute mess because I was constantly jumping from one thing to the next, I couldn’t form a sentence well – it was awful. 

I decided to get over my fear and publish the video I made on Wednesday, a day after I published I am not doing okay again. This is literally me working through my issues on camera, talking about domestic abuse, dealing with trauma and emotions.  

I thought that publishing my first video ever was scary but this is the scariest thing I ever published because I feel very vulnerable. But maybe this is what I need. I need to be open, honest, vulnerable and stop thinking people will call me crazy or make fun of me. If I can’t speak to people directly about this, I will speak to a camera. 

So here’s the link, welcome to the inside of my head:  https://youtu.be/bvoENgpvaIE

I hope at least some of this made sense.  

Sending love and positive vibes, 
Luna 

Latest Poem: Poem #361
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: Step by Step

Categories
My life

Step by step

Hello everyone! 

I am getting better. I know that my last post was just me having an absolute meltdown so I just wanted to put this out there. I am getting better. 

I read all of your comments and hopefully I will manage to reply this weekend. It was all overwhelming for me which is why I did not start replying sooner and did not put out a new post regarding all of this.  

The best path for me now was just dealing with the mess in my head and putting that first, the rest will fall in place once the fog is lifted. Here’s a nice spring picture that I took yesterday and made me happy:

Thank you for being so wonderful and so supportive and full of love! I was very sad to read that many of you can relate to what I am going through because I don’t want to think that any of you feel this way but on the other hand it made me feel less alone in it… If that makes sense.  

I know that Friday is Youtube video day, but this Friday will be an exception. Feel free to checkout luna.theblog youtube channel if you haven’t already. 

 As soon as I am back up on my feet, I will resume my usual blogging activities. I am actually getting some posts ready because nothing inspires writing in me like pain.  

I hope you have a wonderful weekend and that you are happy! 

Sending love and positive vibes, 
Luna 

Latest Poem: Poem #361
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: I am not doing okay…again

Categories
My life

I am not doing okay…again

I feel like my life updates on this blog are currently: I am okay / I am getting depressed. That’s it. I think I need therapy.

So yes, I have been consistently working on myself, eating better, working out, reading, meditating and then something just happened. But nothing actually happened. Like my body and mind are just fighting against the good decisions I am trying to make for myself. It’s like I am inviting chaos in my life and I cannot control it.

It all started on Sunday. I was just so damn emotional and sad and lonely. I got up on Monday at 6 as I do to do my workout before my job starts and I barely made it through. I felt itchy the whole day. I couldn’t sit still but I also didn’t want to move. But there was this uncomfortable energy inside of me.

And then I broke my clean eating and all of my good habits by binge eating. That was the alarm. That’s when I was like: January is about to repeat itself. Shit.

I barely made it out of bed this morning. I stayed in bed longer which is usually a sign for me that I am either ill or just not doing well. I was fighting with my craving for nicotine. I drank my coffee and the only think I could think about were cigarettes. I felt so bad. I had to have an internal talk with myself about how far I came without cigarettes and that it’s an unhealthy habit that is not easy to break and that I shouldn’t go back.

And then I sat down and decided to write because pretending I am fine and pretending like this is just a small issue is not going to work for me anymore. Putting stuff in writing means that I admit they are real. That’s why I write about my feelings and insecurities and problems and everything. Otherwise, I don’t consider it real and do not deal with it.

So yes, it’s important for me to let the world know that I am in a grey area. I am doing my best to not go to the dark area of my mind and to spiral again as I did at the beginning of the year. Getting better is a journey and I have to be honest with myself about the good and bad times of it.

All advice, book recommendations and other forms of help are welcome. This is a step forward, I am saying that I need help but I am also well aware that I need to first know how to and do everything to help myself.

I am sorry if you find my posts about being depressed or cooking boring but that’s what my life is currently and that’s okay.

This is also a reminder for you to check in on yourself and check in on your friends and family because someone might seem very happy and okay but they are going through hell in their head.

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna

Latest Poem: Poem #360
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: Productive Sunday

Categories
Poems

Poem #355

I want to wake up from an afternoon slumber 
to the sound of waves and seagulls. 
Sun covering me up, the clouds replacing a ceiling. 
The smell of salt in the air purifying my being. 

I want to hop around on the burning sand  
and run to the sea to heal. 
Taking the first sip of coffee in the morning 
overlooking the nature and not concrete.  

I want to be a tourist of the world, 
fit my life into a suitcase and run wild. 
Experience the world through adventure, 
the culture through the food, 
the customs through the language 
and the love through dancing.  

Latest Poem: Poem #354
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Is it all over in your twenties?
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: Getting Better

Categories
The Poetry Bar

Poem #354

What if we are the generations living through
the beginning of the end?
What if we are those who started to pay
for years of human transgression?

Maybe the end of the world will not be
an explosion, a meteor hitting the earth.
The apocalypse might be years of suffering,
death and devastation that lead to the blast
people start praying for.

What if we are the apocalypse that happened
to the planet we violently tried to own?

Latest Poem: Poem #353
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Equality in Parenthood
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back

Categories
Poems

Poem #353

They are talking about us as if it were their business
to dissect every fiber of our existence.
They wanted us to know it’s never going to work
because we don’t fit in with their point of view.

As if faith asked who we are and where we come from
and how much we have before it brought us together.
As if we could pick where our hearts want to rest.

It was like the movies, a bad boy chasing after the girl
that was looking for a reason to release all inhibitions.
What the movies didn’t teach us is that the happy ending
does not play out in real life.

The movie starts, we fall in love at first sight.
By the middle we jump over the obstacles in the name of love.
The plot twist comes, doubts start creeping in and we are
too young to process all of this.

In the movies love beats all but when you aren’t on the big screen
love is set aside and heartbreak takes the lead.
We betrayed us, we fell in line to take their point of view
just to justify why we couldn’t rise above.

Maybe we will learn from this, maybe we will know better because of this. And maybe it would all burn less if it was a decision and not
society’s imposition.

Latest Poem: Poem #352
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Equality in Parenthood
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back

Categories
#savingme

#savingme: Give Women Their RAGE Back!

Throughout my existence on this platform, I have often put up post such as “leave something positive that happened to you so we can share some good vibes”. I put up many posts like this in 2020 because this year was the year we all needed to remind ourselves of things we are grateful for because all of us have struggled with our own demons and problems in this pandemic. So I had to write this down because I didn’t want you to think I have anything against positivity and looking for reasons to smile. With that being said, let’s get into what I really wanted to discuss here.

I don’t post a lot on #savingme because it gets hard. I no longer live in domestic violence, but talking about it, opening some wounds is still painful and the fact that my brain just decided not to remember a lot of my childhood to protect me (I guess) doesn’t make this easier. I think I have repressed memory, but I am not doctor. Maybe my memory just sucks but I believe that my brain is trying to protect me from those hurtful memories.

Now, let me ask you a question. Why do you expect women to be happy and smiling all the fucking time?!

I am not attacking you directly because I don’t know you but if you ever used the phrase “You are so much prettier when you smile, you should smile more often etc.” I am kind of attacking you. If you ever placed a woman in a situation where she was forced or bullied into smiling and pretending everything is okay, I am kind of attacking you. To try to explain this better to the male audience that might not understand this so much – forcing women to be composed, happy and pretend like everything is perfect all the time is equal to the idea of the “masculine man” being imposed on men where you are expected to be a stereotypical man who should know how to do stuff, lift things, not have feelings or cry ever. You know what I am talking about “the manly man”. Since I am not a man and do not have experience with this, I would like to point out a poem that sums this up nicely: Guante – “Ten Responses to the Phrase ‘Man Up'”

Why am I writing about this and linking it to domestic violence and abuse? Let me explain that. Women, and I have seen this on my mother, feel the shame when they go through domestic violence. What will the people say if I call the cops? I am a bad mother because this man is beating my kids. It falls upon me to carry the burden of this domestic violence/abuse without realizing I am the victim. The same thing happens with rape. The victim is shamed into silence and the “women have to be happy” feeds into this fucking problem.

We are expected to play a part in the world and a great part of that role is covering shit up and being happy all the time, giving out this impression of having our life together, having the perfect family, being good cooks, caring for kids and expected to want to be mothers, if I might add (I could write a whole new post about this topic). When we get angry, when we voice our discomfort or just our opinion that doesn’t sit right with other people then we are PMS-ing. “It’s that time of the month”. “Our hormones are doing the talking”. “We will calm down once our period is done”. Stop bullying women into thinking they are crazy when they are unhappy! Stop bullying women into not seeking help when they are abused.

When shit hits the fan, when the cops are on the doorstep, when women walk around with a black eye, when someone is DEAD, when a woman kills herself because she was raped, then we hear the phrase: “We didn’t even suspect something was wrong, she always seemed so happy”. How many times have you heard this from someone or on TV? How many fucking times have you heard this phrase or a variation of this phrase? Why do we need to have women mentally and physically scarred for life or a dead body to realize that there’s something wrong?

When a woman says no, when she pushes you away, when she tells you to stop, when she calls the cops on you and accuses you of abuse, she is not making stuff up and being crazy. She is uncomfortable and scared and this is not the time for women to think they should go easy, not raise their voice or say NO with an uncomfortable, fake smile. You have the right to get angry when someone is invading your personal space and abusing you. You have the right to fight back and seek help. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.

This is why I say GIVE WOMEN THEIR RAGE BACK. Give us our anger back and watch us evolve even if it scares some. Just that freedom of being able to experience emotions that society tried to tell us we are not entitled to, will give us also the freedom to speak up about abuse and to fight the oppression.

For anyone dismissing all of this TRUTH that I just wrote as a “feminist rant that makes no sense” and if anyone envisioned me as a man-hating, no-shaving angry female that is fighting a fight that doesn’t exist anymore because “we gave women rights” let me just tell you that 1992. was called the year of the women the same way that 2018. was called the year of the women and despite all of this we are still fighting the same bullshit, the same sexual harassment, women are still fighting harder than men to get into high positions and the same people are still trying to silence us and bully us into submission. Google your facts before you call women angry feminists and trust me that we will write, yell, protest and fight as long as we have to until every woman and every little girl stops being silent about oppression and abuse because “that was the way it has always been and if you speak up, we will shame you into believing it was your fault. now SMILEEEEEE”.

This is not to say that women are never the abusers, but I can only speak from my perspective. I know there are men and boys abused by their mother and/or father or any other person who are scared to speak up because of the “manly man stereotype” or because they go through the same fear and shame mentioned before. I think that abused men and boys are an issue society has to dive into thoroughly  because we cannot pretend that it is not happening and telling men to “Man up”. There are stories to be heard from their side and I hope they will speak up as well.  If you want to share your experience you can on this platform and you can stay anonymous if it makes you feel safer and better.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#savingme is the community where abuse victims can publish their experiences just to let go and find comfort and support. Maybe it doesn’t feel like much but just publishing your story for others to read makes you strong. You can send your story about the abuse you went through to savingmestory@gmail.com and you can choose if you want it to be anonymous or not.

Latest Poem: Poem #345
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Flowers in the Garden 

Categories
My life

Cooking my boredom away

It has been a long time since I just came here to have a little chat with you. How have you been, I’ve missed you! 

Lately the blog focus was just The Poetry Bar and I kind of went silent. It’s because I actually fell into a routine which suffocates my creativity and my inspiration. As soon as my days start to all look the same, I immediately lose my writing motivation because I just go through the motions, my emotions get a bit shut down and I just live and the life I lead suppresses my inner writer.  

I am back to working from home full time, the corona situation is causing issues in Croatia again so my life is just like wake up, work, eat, take a walk to get out of the apartment, maybe some exercise, maybe see my boyfriend, netflix or a book and sleep. It’s getting exhausting.  

There’s only one thing that has changed recently in my life. I decided to learn how to cook. That’s right people – 24 years old and don’t know how to cook. Who wants to marry me? 

Cooking is the one skill I did not acquire through my years of living away from home. I moved out when I went to university which was years ago and I never showed any interest in cooking. Something sparked my interest now and I have been reading recipes and getting busy in the kitchen. I realized that (apart from the dish washing) cooking really helps me relax. Just after making a few basic recipes I already started experimenting, I understand some things about cooking better. Yesterday I even made dessert. It’s a type of food often eaten in Croatia during the Advent time and since we do not have Advent this year because of the restrictions I made it on my own. The dish is called fritule and it was my first time making them. If anyone from Croatia is reading this and rolling their eyes because I am proud of myself for cooking something so simple – let me be, I used to burn water. 

So, that’s pretty much it for me today. I decided that I am going to force myself to find ways to step out of this routine, get back my creativity and post more often. It won’t be poetry immediately, but I can always come rambling about something else here or even share my new-found cooking skills with you all.  

Do let me know in the comments down below how are you, do you want to share something you have been doing or what has been happening. I love reading your comments! 

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna 

Latest Poem: Poem #345
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Flowers in the Garden