Poem #332

There was nothing. Not even a spark.
When you kissed me, it felt like you were
kissing someone else. I couldn’t feel your hands.
There was no love, just the need to avoid loneliness.
It was like we were drinking from an empty cup
and wondered why we felt thirst.

Coffee Date with Luna: 20 something crisis

Hello Everyone! 

It has been a long time since I just posted on the blog, had a talk with you or in this case, a cup of coffee. There is a reason for that. I have been going through a bit of a crisis that I do not know how to explain to myself or to others. 

I have a good job which keeps me financially stable, recently I met someone very special in my life, since I started working from home I have had more time to spend with my family, I have great friends and the list could go on about the things that are really going for me right now and still I am so miserable. There is a constant feeling of something missing in my life and it’s eating me away.  

I know that my career choices have a lot to do with my unhappiness. My goal in life was not and is not to be a customer service agent. I do like this job and I absolutely adore the people I am working with but there is still that feeling that something is missing. I have been in this career crisis on and off for the past 2 years and it’s a normal thing every 20something goes through but I can feel my mental health going to hell fast because I cannot cope with not having a purpose in life. Being aware of the fact that my degree is worthless and that no one wants to hire me in digital marketing because I have no fucking experience is not making this easy on me.  

Yesterday was my one year anniversary of working as a customer service agent. I have been feeling like shit for the last two weeks because I knew that I was reaching that one year at a job that was supposed to be temporary until I get my Digital Marketing certificate so that I can do something I am 100% invested in. But again there is this fear – what if I get into a Digital marketing agency and realize after some time that it’s not what I actually want? What if I just got that certificate to cover up for the fact that I dropped out of grad school without a fucking plan? 

As you can see, I am struggling which is why I haven’t been so active on the blog. I have had problems opening up to people about this because they either do not understand completely what I am saying or hit me with “Do you know how many people lost their job during quarantine and how many people are being paid less because of the COVID situation and how lucky you are right now?”  

Yes, I do know. 

I haven’t been fired, my job was never in question and there were no paycheck cuts in my firm. The only difference for us was that we had to work from home. That is it. Not a single person in the customer care center where I work felt the effects of quarantine when it comes to job security and money and this is amazing and I applaud the company for that.  

I don’t know if I am able to put this nicely, but I do not know how to feel okay and satisfied with my life just because others have it worse. Other people being in bad situations shouldn’t be a standard for me to feel good about myself and about my life but I have often felt under attack if I expressed any of these opinions out loud which made the struggle in my head even worse because it is all in my head. 

And then I opened up my laptop today and decided to write this mess out because this is my safe place and I often stray away from it when I’m in trouble but I am glad to be back. Thank you for putting up with my annoying rant about unhappiness. I know that our Coffee Dates are usually reserved for happy thoughts but I just had to get this off my chest. 

Please do let me know if you experienced similar issues and how did you deal with them? Let’s be the supportive WordPress community that we are.  

Also, we already passed 5,5k followers here on WordPress, my Poetry Bar inbox is full of your submissions so let me know if there’s any type of different content you would like to see on this blog. I publish from 3-5 Poetry Bar works daily, do you want more? Would you like for me to write about the current events, maybe to do story times, do you have some questions for me so we can do a Q&A type post. Tell me all of your wishes down in the comments because, honestly, I need some content ideas and working on this blog has always helped me work through my personal issues.  

I love you all, thank you for being so amazing and so supportive! 

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna 

Coffee Date With Luna: Breathing

And so we live just like we are breathing. Out of habit. We are just going through the motions, there’s nothing genuine in our reactions or routines. It’s easier to live a habit than to expose your heart to feelings. Habits are layers of protection we hold so tight to without realizing we are suffocating under them.

Even when we decide to see what’s out there, we first build a layer of lies to support our layer of habits and we explore the world knowing damn well our habits are sitting at home and waiting for us. We are not taking risks; we are just becoming bigger cowards.

But we all felt something. There was something, someone, somewhere, back in the day and it made us feel. That four-letter word we labeled as unreachable – we’ve all felt it. But then reality came knocking at our doors and we weren’t prepared. Fairytales had a happy ending but no one told us that there was a part two where the king and queen sit back to back and just stare at the wall for the rest of their lives.

As we grow older, when we meet someone who evokes a feeling in us, someone who feels genuine, reality comes knocking even sooner. She doesn’t give us a fucking chance and we decide not to fight it. It is what it is, we must do what we must do. We hide and we crawl back under our layers of habits. It’s easier to be alone than to let anyone in.

Those who listen to their heart are immoral, those who listen to their head spend a lifetime pretending they are fine.

And so we live just like we are breathing. Out of habit. We are just going through the motions, there’s nothing genuine in our reactions or routines.

Poem #260

You want a love that you can claim to be yours.
You want a love which will say “I come to stay”
yet you keep happiness at arm’s length.

You are holding too tight to the bruises on your heart
which will never love you back.

If you fall again, you might crash but if you
avoid love, loneliness will creep up and deliver
you a slow and painful death

Poem #240

And so we decide it’s better to be alone
than to be hurt.
After years of experience we believe
it’s best to kill what makes us human
than to let it kill us.
So we fight during the day and surrender
to regret during the night because fear
never filled empty spaces, it just made
them larger.

Poem #180

The voices inside and out were loud.
You lost control.
You just went with the flow and tried to
suppress the only voice important – your own.
In the midst of the chaos you said no to everything.
The phone stopped ringing and the chaos stopped.
For the first time you realized that the only
friend and the only lover you were looking for
was the one everyone fears – loneliness.
I guess you aren’t scared, you are one of the strong ones.
Embrace the strength.

Poem #137

Loneliness came knocking at my door and
made a home for herself on my couch.
And my bed.
And my sink.
And my kitchen counter.
And everywhere I go.
She is just here.

I sometimes feel like I could touch her,
as if loneliness was a person.
I can feel her wrapping her cold arms
around my neck every time I lay down
in my empty bed. She loves to greet me
every morning when I’m still half asleep,
reaching my hand to the right side of the
bed looking for someone who is supposed to be here.

She sneaks into my pocket and makes me
carry her around so I can feel here even in a crowd.
My friend loneliness never sleeps. Her only purpose is to make me sink.