There was a book that was recommended to me in the comments of my post I am not doing okay…again. I started reading this book recently and I came to a chapter about lost connections with people and felt personally attacked by this book, here’s a quote from the book:
Anywhere in the world where people describe being lonely, they will also— throughout their sleep —experience more of something called “micro-awakenings.” These are small moments you won’t recall when you wake up, but in which you rise a little from your slumber. All other social animals do the same thing when they’re isolated too. The best theory is that you don’t feel safe going to sleep when you’re lonely, because early humans literally weren’t safe if they were sleeping apart from the tribe.
I still feel attacked by this book because… it’s making me face my own problems. I do this “micro-awakening”. It sounds like something spiritual, positive but it’s obviously not. I was told, through my life by people who slept next to me, that I do stuff like this but I never googled it and I never wanted to learn more about it. I was just convinced that it was a consequence of my nightmares I’ve suffered with ever since I was very young. Well… guess not.
I have an almost non-existent group of people who are close to me and it wasn’t always like that. During me teen years, I was an extrovert. I had a big group of friends, I was very social, went out, was into partying for a while, I always had someone to talk to, grab a cup of coffee with etc. The me you know today and the me from a few years ago are not the same person. I always thought I became an introvert as I grew older but deep down even I know that’s not the case. I like people, I love talking for hours with someone but there’s something stopping me from doing that in the last few years. I honestly cannot name an event(s) in my life that made me close the door, alienate myself from my friends and convince myself I am supposed to do it all on my own.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy solitude but to an extent. In the last few years, I have been having an abundance of it.
I know pretty much when this shift happened for me and it was about 5 and a half years ago. That was the time I started writing this blog. It’s funny to me to see how I closed up from the world but at the same time I was so scared of being alone that I built a whole online community to escape that awful feeling of loneliness. It’s interesting and kind of sad at the same time.
One thing I know for sure is that I am not the only one. More and more people are able to be more open online, behind a keyboard then they are face to face with other human beings. The internet can give us the feeling of belonging to a community but at the end of the day, as we can see in this pandemic, nothing will ever substitute human interaction.
I know that my insecurities had a role to play in this. I haven’t struggled so much with insecurities when I was younger but with time I became very unhappy and developed this fear that people just don’t like me or have a bad opinion about me which made it exponentially harder for me to meet new people and let anyone near me. Being aware of the fact that I have years of issues to unpack to get to the bottom of things, makes me scared and makes me want to pretend like everything is just okay. Like this is all natural. Like everyone feels unhappy with their own life and drowns themselves in projects every two weeks to try an conquer a feeling of emptiness. You all do that, right?!
This book is really eye-opening for me. I went through the chapters about disconnection from meaningful work and people and felt attacked in both chapters because they were just speaking strongly to me. The remaining ones are disconnection from values, childhood trauma, respect, natural world, hopeful or secure future and I can see myself feeling attacked in 3 of those but I will keep on reading and I highly recommend you do to! Oh yes, the book is called “Lost Connections” by Johann Hari!
That’s it for me, I have to get back to filming now. While I am not reading this book and opening my own wounds, I am filming my new Youtube video and that’s pretty much my Saturday summed up. What have you been up to?
Sending love and positive vibes,