Coffee date with Luna: Man, not an ATM

Hello everyone and welcome to another Coffee Date with Luna!

Today might be the day I receive backlash from some people because of my opinions but I do not care that much. It’s my opinion. You have the right to not agree with me.

Men are not walking ATM machines. Stop treating them like that. In the dating culture it is expected for the man to pay on the first date and it’s normal for me too. I am not going to lie, I expect it as well but the issue comes after the first date. There is a significantly increased amount of women and young girls who use dating as an excuse to get free food, drinks and gifts. I am not ranting about trends such as being a sugarbaby etc., I am actually referring to women taking advantage of men without them knowing that.

When you are a sugarbaby, the person paying for your lifestyle knows how the relationship works because it is consensual. What I do not approve of is girls dating guys, leading them on for their own personal gain. If a guy has a crush on you, likes you, asks you out, don’t use him to get free stuff, drinks and dinners. It’s time for these girls and women to learn that men are not here to be exploited.

I also think it’s inconsiderate of women to lead men on for personal gain. You are actually using someone’s love for you or affection to get something you want without considering you are giving him false hope. These situations always end up with someone being hurt, and it’s just not worth it.

As a person who has a full time job, I know how much I have to work to get my paycheck and I think it would actually be selfish and ignorant of me to date a guy and expect him to pay for our drinks, food, movie tickets etc. I am maybe the last person who should be writing about this since I have no social life and am not dating anyone because I am dating my job and blog, but this has always been my personal opinion.

I understand that guys are under the pressure that they need to pay for every date but that shouldn’t be the case. I am speaking from my own example. If I like a guy and I want to spend time with him, get to know him, I will always try to be 50/50. Some guys have been embarrassed when I would pay for our drinks and I understand their point of view but, according to me, men need to start respecting themselves more in this area. If a girl pays for drinks or something else, it is not insulting. It just means that she doesn’t mind paying because she is not there to get something – she is there to be with you.

There you have it. I am the girl that gets guys in uncomfortable positions and pays on dates. Probably, one of the reasons why I am single as a pringle.

I am sorry about not posting that much in the last few days but my laptop has been acting out lately. He just randomly crashes or shuts down but I am looking for a new one so I can work in peace.

Do share your thoughts on this subject with me and let me know what would you like to read about or discuss in the next Coffee Date with Luna! Can’t wait to see your comments and suggestions.

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna

Poem #230

My relationships aren’t love stories.
They are twisted fairytales I wrote.
The happy ending is nowhere in sight.
I keep biting the poisonous apple because
I’ve romanticized the villain.

Where do the feelings go? – repost

I am writing a poem about this and remembered how much I loved this little article I wrote so I decided to repost it. I hope you like it. 

Once the clocks on our hearts strike end and once a relationship has no meaning or function in our life where does it all go? Where do the feelings go?

I remember a certain “Sex and the City” episode in which Carry asks the same question and then says that it goes to their new girlfriends. I’ve often disagreed with Carrie’s outfits and I sometimes agreed with her theories but this one is an exception. I disagree.

The after part of a relationship has two possible outcomes.

The first one is the classic breakup we are all familiar with. You break up, start avoiding each other, start talking behind each other backs, go through mourning phases, text  each other, start again, fail, have rebound phases and so on. Here the feelings still exist but you don’t know how to get rid of them so you are trying every single thing except for dealing with them in a healthy way because let’s be honest the healthy way is the extinct and boring way. Mostly you just try to prove that you are great and that the breakup meant nothing to you.

The second outcome is the fabulous let’s stay friends outcome. It’s not fabulous. It’s an overture for a disaster. Where there are feelings there will be weakness and there will be benefits. All of that leads to a drama more tangled than Rapunzel’s hair which will only end up in a fight. The whole concept of staying friends with benefits with you ex is completely stupid. It’s like being allergic to peanuts and eating a Snickers every day – it makes no sense. I should know because I was stupid enough to do it twice.

One of you broke off the relationship which means that the other one will feel the need to compensate for being abandoned. That person is often prone to pretending they have no feelings, trying to hurt you on purpose, acting like they own the world when they are actually miserable. One of you two will also be honest and just go with the flow. That person will develop some kind of feelings which will end up in sadness or rage.

Rage is my thing. I think it’s positive as long as people know how to point it in the right direction and what is most important – rage will make you make your breakup final. No strings attached, no emotions, no anything. Pure rage pointed to getting your life back on track. You will notice his/her flaws, you will realize what didn’t work and you will sure as hell be sure that the breakup was the right choice and, sometimes, you will realize the whole thing was just a strike. You will be fine with it when you realize you can’t change the past.

My advice to you is that you need to end things when they aren’t working out anymore. The more you keep on trying to build something out of nothing, the bigger the disaster in the end will be. When you click the X on your laptop you want to close something so do it in real life too.

Poem #225

You have been standing on my doorsteps
dripping wet from the rain begging for me
to let you in for hours and it seems as
the rain washed away the little brain you
had in your head because you don’t seem to
understand you’re not coming in, you’re not
crossing that line again.

I miss you. I love you. I made a mistake.
If you say another cliché I will go insane.
I can finally see the lies, the betrayal.
“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her” was
your approach to whatever the hell we had.

Despite everything, all of this tonight is still
my fault. I wasn’t careful enough. Please move
a few steps back while I get a lighter so I can burn
my welcome mat. Do you get the message now?

#savingme – A Knife in the Heart

This isn’t going to be your typical abuse story. It’s something that I try not to talk about too
much anymore actually. The past is behind me and I try to leave it there. I’ve never actually
written about this experience in detail on my own blog yet, because it represents such a dark and
depressing time in my life. I wasn’t sure if there would be value in sharing this sort of life
experience. Yet, alas, here I am.

So, where shall I begin?

I’m 30 years old right now, but when I was 22, I had taken off on a backpacking trip for a few
years which took me through New Zealand and Australia. When I was in Australia living and
working out of a hostel, I met a French woman and we began to date. We traveled together for
about a year and by the end of our travels she hinted that she would like to come to Canada to be
with me. I was head over heels in love at the time, and so this seemed like a no-brainer for me.
I’ve never been afraid of a little hard work and immigrating someone to my country didn’t
frighten me all that much. I felt like we could handle anything if we handled it together.
So, I stayed with her and her family for a few months in France before coming back to Canada
where we tried to establish ourselves. I helped her to find work and I was able to find work
myself. She started off in Canada with a Working Holiday Visa, so she was able to work
temporarily for a year while we began the immigration process for her. Our plan was to get her
residence visa and then after a few years of saving, to move out West to BC, or so I thought.
When I bought a vehicle, I allowed her to use it most days while I rode my bicycle to work.
When she couldn’t work, I supported us on my meager income. Cracks began to show in our
relationship shortly after arriving in Canada. I felt like her attitude towards me had changed. This
wasn’t a glamorous life that we were living in comparison to our travels, and I could feel that she
wasn’t happy about it. We were also beginning to fight a lot more frequently, but I figured this
just had to do with all the stresses that we were going through. I had noticed a few strange things
happening on her end, but I tended to overlook these issues.

Like, one day I had noticed that she was part of a dating site because her email had been left
open on our computer. When I confronted her about it, she told me that she was trying to surprise
me by finding another woman for some experimental fun for us. I’m not sure why I believed that
at the time, because it was never mentioned again, but I preferred to believe that then the other
possibilities I suppose. There were also a few nights that she would go out with people she had
met at work and stayed out until early the next morning without giving me any updates. She
would just say that she had fallen asleep while she was out. It was incredibly frustrating and
stressful to me, but again, I chose to believe her. Hell, I even married her. I figured no matter
what might happen, if we love each other enough, then we could overcome any obstacle. I was
committed.

I allowed her to have male coworkers over to our apartment for drinks while I was at work
because if I were to raise a concern about it, she would say that I must not trust her. So, I tried to
trust more. I thought highly of her and I figured, if there were problems in that relationship, then
it surely must be my fault. We lived together for a few years and struggled romantically. I began
to really start to dislike the way that she had been treating me some days, but I was still
attempting to salvage our relationship. She had threatened to pack her bags and leave multiple
times when criticized for her behavior. It was an emotionally manipulative tactic which only lost
its power on me after the day that I agreed she should leave. I had even offered to give her some
of my savings to get her started again back home if that made things easier. At that moment, she
stopped threatening to leave, and cried about how she doesn’t want to leave Canada. It messed
with my head because she had so many complaints about Canada and living here, while she
boasted about how great life was in France, telling me that she sacrificed everything for me, and
yet now, even when she supposedly was at her wits end with me, she didn’t want to go back?
I was growing more and more skeptical of this relationship. At times I just wanted to be out, but
I doubted myself frequently and I allowed myself to be manipulated. When she finally received
her Permanent Resident status in Canada, I helped to get her a job with me at my factory. My life
at work slowly grew to be a living hell as she flirted with most of the men there and began to
spread subtle slander about me to justify doing it. Within 6 months we were “taking a break” to
find ourselves.

In the last 6 months that we were living together, she had told me that she was pregnant one day,
and then the next, that she had lost it. She said that the hospital had told her that she could never
have children again, which I thought was strange because how do they figure that out in a single
visit? She knew that I had wanted children so I suspect she was hoping that this would push me
away. She had also been seeing a friend for months that I had never met, once a week on the
same day. I was told that this friend was not allowed to meet me for the longest time because she
had a jealous boyfriend that didn’t like her being around other men. So – okay, I accepted that.
After a few months she said that this friend had been assaulted by her boyfriend and ended up in
the hospital, which seemed insane to me and I was very concerned for this friend. I wanted to go
and meet her, but now she was “too afraid of men”. After a few more weeks she had told me that
this friend of hers had died in the hospital, and afterwards that she was moving in with her dead
friend’s mother while we work on ourselves.

I had been telling these stories to some of the people that I trusted at work, and one old guy that I
was friends with used to love reading the news. When I told him about this assault, this girl’s
death and the funeral that my ex had attended, he began to search the news for any info that he
could find on it and found nothing at all. No police statements issued to try and find the murderer
of a young woman. No obituaries in the news, or any notices by the funeral home for this girl’s
passing which my ex claimed to have attended. When my ex was confronted about these facts,
she just made up a bunch of excuses for why these things were not available to the public. She
refused to tell me this girl’s last name and we pretty much stopped talking entirely afterwards
because she ghosted me. The prior 5 years of my life had been a complete and utter lie.
I learned soon afterward, that she was dating a co-worker of mine, and my experience at work
began to be awful. I had felt like people were treating me differently and I wasn’t sure what was
being told to others. I also spoke to one of her old coworkers from her first job in Canada and
found out that she had been cheating on me since before we were married. She had also been
telling her coworkers there that I was cheating on her in order to justify those actions. My head
was spinning from all of these lies.

We divorced. I entered therapy and eventually I had to leave my workplace because she
wouldn’t. I was never able to get an admission of guilt from her or any sign of remorse for her
actions. I was just used and tossed aside after I had served my purpose.

She now has a kid with her partner from this new relationship. I don’t speak with her at all, but I
had noticed it because of Facebook. After all that I had experienced with her, I’m glad that it’s
not my child. It’s been about 3 years now since the split happened, but it has greatly affected my
personal relationships – especially the romantic ones. I have a great deal of trouble with trusting
most women anymore. I’ve been improving my ability to trust, but I’m always a little suspicious
now.

In ways, the experience had changed me positively as well. I don’t take a lot of crap anymore. I
made sure that all my relationships were two-way streets after that, and I had cut many folks out
of my life who had taken more from me then they had ever given. I vowed to cut toxicity out of
my life and that included quite a few toxic people, including members of my own family. I also
began to chase after my dreams in a stubborn way without concerning myself with the opinions
of others. I grew to become a stronger individual in my own right, albeit wounded and with trust
issues. It’s taken it’s toll on me, but I’ve never given up.

Abuse doesn’t only occur to women and emotional abuse can be very subtle in relationships
hiding just beneath the surface. The only warning that I can offer to others who may be in a
situation like that which I experienced, is this – Listen to your heart and notice how your partner
makes you feel on a day to day basis. If you are feeling depressed, unloved, with very low self esteem and you had not normally felt that way before, then leave! Don’t spend too much time
overthinking it and trying to justify it or blaming yourself. Life is too short to be wasted on those
who don’t really care about how they make you feel. We must first learn to love ourselves,
before we can expect to end up with someone who will love us like we deserve as well.

My name is Mathew, and I host Blog of the Wolf Boy. I generally write works of fiction and
poetry, as well as posts on motivation, health, writing, travel and opinion. Thanks for taking the
time to read my story.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#savingme is the column where abuse victims can publish their experiences just to let go and find comfort and support. Maybe it doesn’t feel like much but just publishing your story for others to read makes you strong. You can send your story about the abuse you went through to savingmestory@gmail.com and you can choose if you want it to be anonymous or not. More details here. 

You are not an excuse – making machine

You are not an excuse – making machine. God, I wish someone had told me this sooner because for the last 22 years, I’ve been an excuse – making machine. When people would wrong me, treat me bad I would make the excuses for them. If a guy played me, lied to me or if a friend cut me out of their life I would just make an excuse for them in the lines of “He/She is going through a lot now”, “The job is stressing him/her out”, “I know he cares, he’s just too scared to show it”. Damn, I really am a writer. Always making stuff up, explaining, elaborating, making everything poetic.  I need to put an end to this and so do you. Yes, you.

Making excuses for someone’s behavior is stupid, selfish and harmful all at the same time. This is especially noticeable in relationships so I will take them as examples to explain my point better. Let’s start with why this is harmful behavior. If you constantly make excuses for someone, it means that you are constantly ignoring all of the red flags in a relationship and you will end up hurt in the end. We all ignore red flags because we want to believe that the person we met is great but what we are doing is not. You need to be objective. If you feel like someone is ghosting you, ignoring you and only calling you when they are bored or horny then don’t make an excuse for them. They are not busy, they don’t have a lot on their plate, the little attention they give you isn’t anything special – see them for who they are. Not interested in you.

Now, why making excuses for others is stupid. Because it just is. You are actually giving a free pass to someone who is obviously telling you lies, neglecting you, playing with your feelings. You are literally making it easy for her/him to hurt you and that’s just stupid. It’s hard when you like someone, or even when you’re in love with someone, to admit that the person doesn’t want you. It’s hard to stop inventing fairytales about the person we like and admit they are not who we believe them to be. I honestly think that people fall in love more with the people they imagine in their heads than the real people standing in front of them. I think that the best way to stop making excuses for someone is to stop reading too much into the situation. You got dressed up, ready to go and meet him/her for a night out and they cancel with some lame excuse such as my head hurts or suddenly they have a family emergency. I’m not saying stuff like this has to be false but if it’s happening repetitively then it’s probably lies. You need to accept they are not being honest, don’t answer their messages and just try to let go before you fall in too deep.

And my favorite one. Making excuses for others is selfish. You probably think I am not really normal to write this since making excuses for other’s is literally handing someone an excuse so they would continue doing their thing, you are actually doing them a favor but that’s just what we see on the surface. The underlying issue of it is that you can’t accept the truth because it would hurt you so you make those excuses for him/her in order to make yourself feel better and to feel loved by someone. Just to feel that someone actually cares. This is harmful behavior and to be honest, I am guilty of this. Often, when I would feel alone or when I would get attached to someone I would become a victim of this type of behavior and it’s incredibly difficult to break this cycle. We all have the need to have someone around and then it’s just hard to accept that the person we thought was around well… isn’t. Probably never was. The time you spend making excuses for someone, spend doing something that will make you feel better. Turn off the movie in your head, stop replaying everything that happened, stop asking questions you will not get an answer to and go and run, workout, meditate, read a book, get blackout drunk (but give your phone to someone first). Do something other than digging your own grave.

If you feel like I just stabbed you and started twisting the knife inside of you, don’t worry I feel the same because all of this that I’m writing I need to start applying to myself so maybe, possibly I will be strong enough to take better care of myself. No matter how weird it sounds, sometimes taking care of oneself is the hardest thing to do so we indulge in behaviors as making excuses for others, becoming extremely depended on other people, getting attached to quickly to others, neglecting our own needs to constantly cater to others so that they would like us etc. I could go on forever but we’ll leave those subjects for other posts. Just stay strong and work on loving yourself more.

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna

Just stay single.

When someone exits a relationship that was hard to end, there are certain fears when it comes to meeting someone new, putting yourself out there and I get it. We all get it. What actually angers me is people treating other people as if they were experiments. Let me break this down.

If you are not sure whether or not you are ready to meet someone, get into a relationship with time or just get close to someone then don’t try. Don’t give someone the impression you are interested in them, don’t treat them like you like them, don’t give them false hope, don’t lead someone on just to cut them off. It’s not okay. It’s playing games with people’s emotions 101. You can’t treat someone as if they were your boyfriend/girlfriend, expect the benefits that come with relationships, call that person a friend, make them believe that you’re heading towards a relationship and then end everything by using lines such as “I am not ready for a relationship yet”, “I am scared to get close to you”, “This is all going too fast for me”. Just don’t toy with people.

If you are not sure about getting out there, getting close to someone and if you’re still freaked out when you catch some emotions for a person then don’t go too close to them because it means you are not ready. Just stay fucking single. Fear is not an indicator that you should try something – at least not in this situation because there is a possibility that the person involved will catch feelings for you, get comfortable enough to trust you and get extremely hurt in the end. Then, not only do you have a bad perception about relationships but you’ve also damaged someone else’s perception as well. There’s a chance that the person that got hurt will be reluctant to believe someone new, get to know someone, or let them close. You are just creating more damage and honey, karma is a bitch. Just sayin’.

My point here is not that you shouldn’t go out there but you should listen to yourself. If there’s fear, doubt, anxiety – it means you need more time to heal. You need to find the source of the problem and deal with it. Ask a friend for help or someone who’s close to you but just don’t use people to see if you are ready to date or not. Focus on self-care, heal and things will fall into place.

Poem #212

Don’t kick open a door and
tell someone to leave just to
stay surprised when they do
exactly that. It’s not strength,
you are not powerful for doing that.
Strength is being vulnerable enough
to ask someone to stay.

Poem #208

Your intentions and feelings were pure
but his were clouded by what happened to him.
You were always in the shadow of his ex,
carrying a burden because of her sins.
Her ghost was sleeping between you two
his trust was unavailable to you because
in the past he gave it to her.
Your heart hurts when he puts you on her level,
you try so hard to show him you are better.
Aren’t you a bit too smart to be doing time
when you didn’t do the crime?

Poem #185

Love is what happens when two wholes
combine in a feeling higher than themselves.
Attachment is what comes to life when two
broken pieces try desperately to act like
they are a puzzle.