Oh, the stories we tell ourselves to make
us feel okay, to alleviate the blame.
But under the surface, deep down in the spot
from which your strengths bleed you know
it wasn’t them who didn’t do enough for you.
It was you who didn’t love yourself.
They weren’t trying to knock you down,
you just didn’t know which ladder to climb.
It wasn’t them that made you not good enough
it was your own insecurities that ate you up inside.
And now it’s not them stopping you from moving
past the dead point. It’s your fear of facing
yourself and your mistakes. It was always you.
It’s still you. It will always be you.
It’s a long road and you think it’s straight
but your eyes can’t even begin to see the curves
and many turns.
Somewhere along the way you stumble
or stop to take a break. You turn around and
painfully whisper to yourself: “I got lost. Shit, not this again.”
You live trying to break the loop, hoping you’ll
find the breaking point before you reach your own.
You feel so safe thinking you are in because there you are
waking up next to me, holding me close.
The truth is you are standing at the door of my soul and
even if you knock I am not opening.
Letting you in on everything inside of me would be
like showing you the way out. For the first time in my
life I am not ready to let you in or let you out.
Chaos can’t even describe the feelings surrounding you
in this messed up, heavy head burdening my shoulders.
I act in a way you’ll never figure out
how much I messed up and how messed up
Can’t you see how sincere the smile on my face is?
Can’t you feel the sarcasm in the previous statement?
I preach the truth, but I am a lie, an illusion,
a stranger to my own heart, my existence is a
foreign body on this planet.
But I don’t want you to leave so you will never know,
I will never reveal the secrets sheltered under my skin.
You have spent so much time on my mind
you should start paying rent.
It’s due, pay up. You took so much from me
it’s my turn now to be the taker.
When it comes to you I can’t even say that
the tables have turned because you’re
so insignificant that you aren’t at the table anymore.
You fell under it together with the curtain you
held over my eyes for months.
The letters of the road signs formed
your name in front of my face. Every
stranger carried your smell. I was looking
for any sign, excuse to contact you again.
Do you know what’s it like to bathe in fear?
The shower is burning hot and it doesn’t stop.
I am not scared of falling back into my old habit
of you. I am scared that after you no one will
be enough, that no one will love me like you.
I still can’t afford to lose you.
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I’ve trained my body to function with
only four hours of sleep at night.
I’ve trained my heart to let everything
go through verses scribbled in my notebook.
I’ve trained my feelings to go on
lockdown when they sense danger.
But still, I’m unable to train my mind to stop
reminding me that who I am and who I swore
I’ll be are fading away with each passing year.