Poem #233

It doesn’t really hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while.
Sometimes the memories float through my
mind and make me shiver but it doesn’t
hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while. Sometimes
I miss you before closing my sleepy eyes and
I feel like I can feel your touch but it doesn’t
hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while.

Years and years ago people waited for the
pain to go away, for the heart to heal and then
they were alright, but now it’s hard to clean one’s
life from a former lover’s presence. You are
virtually reminding me that you’re not mine but it
doesn’t hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while.

To hell with pain, I can deal with that but I
can’t deal with not being able to escape your
eyes and move on with my life. You are always looking
at me from pictures, reminding me of what we
had and even thought it doesn’t hurt anymore,
and it hasn’t in a while, I’m still sitting here waiting
for your presence to go offline.

I’m waiting for your name to stop being on the top
of my messenger contacts. I’m waiting for my hand
to stop clicking your name wanting to write something.
I’m waiting for Instagram stories to stop telling me
where you are. I’m waiting for the day I’ll stop opening
them. I’m waiting for our pictures to disappear from
my gallery. I’m waiting for a day I’ll be strong enough
to delete them like you deleted me.

But it doesn’t really hurt anymore. It hasn’t in a while.

#savingme – You are a survivor

In my post “The story behind the name Luna” I shared a part of my story about domestic abuse. It actually gave me courage to dive deeper into this problem and open up about it here because I think this is a great community to share such stories and help each other. It took me years to speak about the torment my father put me through and I can relate to many children who were abused and today I want to write a little bit about how to deal with abuse after it’s done.

When I was 11,12 years old the problem with my father started solving and it wasn’t over until a few months ago. I haven’t lived with him for years and I last saw him and spoke to him about 5 years ago. That chapter of my life is over now but it still takes me a great amount of strength to close that chapter in my head. My problem was that I identified myself with what he has done to me and I believe that’s the problem of many abused children out there. We develop a bad opinion about ourselves based on what the person who abused us had done to us. We often feel like we aren’t worthy of anything, become introverted, depressed, scared to live the lives we deserve and we can’t step out of our pasts. Going through abuse leaves a strong scar on the one’s personality, sometimes even on our bodies and I will be quite honest and say it’s impossible to hide that scar or erase it so wear it proudly!

Don’t be ashamed of yourself and of who you are and of what you’ve been through. Instead of waking up every morning feeling like you are worth less than others, feeling like you will never reach happiness, wake up and say to yourself “I’ve been through hell and I survived that. World, bring it on because I can handle you!”. Don’t call yourself an abuse victim but rather call yourself a survivor because that’s what you are. Your body and mind were strong enough to handle the weight of abuse and I know how heavy that weight is and you are still here. You are biting and scratching your way through life. You know how to handle difficult situations and your power can never be drained out. Even when depression hits and you feel worn out just repeat those words to yourself.

Who you are depends only on what you want to be so be a survivor, be a warrior and show the world there’s happiness after abuse. Learn how to show your scars to the world and demand respect for them and respect your own past because if it wasn’t for it you wouldn’t be the strong person you are. Even if you feel weak, trust me you’re not. Shift your state of mind and you will turn your life around. Remember: You are a warrior, you are a survivor.

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#savingme is the column where abuse victims can publish their experiences just to let go and find comfort and support. Maybe it doesn’t feel like much but just publishing your story for others to read makes you strong. You can send your story about the abuse you went through to savingmestory@gmail.com and you can choose if you want it to be anonymous or not. More details here. 

#savingme – Just Breathe

Some days I just want to forget
Take a step forward
Learn to be truly free
Except it continues to be difficult
Thanks to the memories that imprison me
Why is it so difficult
I sit here alone finding it harder and harder just to breathe
The darkness within tugging at me
It sits just below the surface
So many things trigger it
I just don’t understand
Why did it have to be me
Pieced together like a pretty little package
Not knowing when the next moment will be that will sweep my legs out from under me
In an instant my world goes dark
Fear, shame, panic and flashes of the most horrible moments are the best way to describe what is lurking inside
In that moment it feels like I’m just learning to breath
Gasping for air as I struggle so desperately
Telling myself breathe, just focus and breathe
Seems so simple
Should be
Just not in those moments
And not so easy
I often wonder if there will ever be a moment when I’m not dealing with that grief
When all the broken pieces fall into place
Will they ever finally set me free
Would I ever learn to accept & love the pieces I use to be
So many years, my life since birth honestly
All the intricate fassets that hold such horrific memories
Secrets, memories re-written by those who should have protected me But you didn’t hear that from me
I still wonder why my mommy & daddy never felt any love for me
I learned to hide make myself small
Never asking for hugs & kisses just food & trips to the ER is what my life was summed up to be
Don’t say a word of what you have seen
Followed by threats of more torture & death
I waited for an escape
I prayed for someone to come save me
Death started to feel like my only way out
I know I thought about it more than once
Wishing for eternal life ever after
The thought so morbid but still was something that provided me pleasure
A safe place in my mind with secrets known only to me
Now that I think about those times it elicits a physical reaction in me
My heart is racing faster
My hands are trembling and shaking
My hearing is completely focused on every noise that is surrounding me
My eyes dart around this space ensuring no one can get to me
My thoughts racing but I continually keep reminding myself that I just need to breathe
A chill of despair is beginning to consume me
If I don’t distract myself quickly I’m not sure I will ever be able to
It’s not something I’ve ever taken further
I’m too scared that one day I will be too tired to keep running
My biggest fear is it catches up and all these years I’ve spent avoiding it will be no longer as I’m forced to face it
What will all the shattered pieces bring to the surface
How can I be re-broken if the shattered pieces have shaped and already created the broken shell of a woman that I’ve turned out to be
I now realize it’s the all these broken pieces that continue to rob me of the simple ability to just breathe.

Written By

The Broken inside of me

https://thebrokeninsideofme.com/

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#savingme is the column where abuse victims can publish their experiences just to let go and find comfort and support. Maybe it doesn’t feel like much but just publishing your story for others to read makes you strong. You can send your story about the abuse you went through to savingmestory@gmail.com and you can choose if you want it to be anonymous or not. More details here. 

Poem #231

The road is dark, the steps are heavy.
With each breath you gain more understanding
for his actions, for his addictions.
You look in the mirror and the reflection smiles
saying that you look just like your father.
Every lunatic needs his doomed heir.

Poem #227

I would rather miss you than make you mine
because if I do maybe you won’t want me back.
I would rather miss what was never mine,
believe in this memories created only in my mind.
I would rather miss who I never had than find out
if you would want me by your side or not.