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My life

Come have a cup of coffee with me

Hello everyone! 

I hope you are having a lovely weekend! I know I’ve been off the grid but I am just trying to deal with everything and I decided to not abandon my blog and publishing schedule this time so my youtube video is here, just two days late. 

I will just give you some nature and have a cup of coffee with you and talk about random stuff and everything that’s been going on lately. Grab yourself a cup of coffee, tea, a beer or anything else and give me your opinions in the comments as always! 

The video is here for you: https://youtu.be/QY51s-arY9M

Make sure to subscribe and like and all of that. Thank you for being so full of love and support in my up-an-downs lately.  

Sending love and positive vibes, 
Luna 

Latest Poem: Poem #362
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: I lied to you *kinda*

Categories
Poems

Poem #362

When you are your worst enemy
happiness is just a mistake in the code of your existence.

It’s fleeting moments of peace and light
that soon get swallowed by the darkness of your mind.

You tell yourself you don’t deserve it.
You tell yourself you are not worth it.
You are eating yourself alive and you
cannot run away from yourself.

When you constantly stop yourself from moving forward
future is that what others have and you cannot reach.

It’s the promise of a better tomorrow offered to those
who don’t have voices in their head saying: “You can’t do this.”

You are kicking yourself when you are down.
You are drowning yourself in sadness.
You are your own hell
and you don’t know how to live with that.

Latest Poem: Poem #361
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: I lied to you *kinda*

Categories
My life

I lied to you *kinda*

Hello everyone! 

It was a little lie. Yesterday I told you that I don’t have a video for you but I did. I was just extremely insecure about posting it. I tried to write what I said in this video but the post was constantly looking like an absolute mess because I was constantly jumping from one thing to the next, I couldn’t form a sentence well – it was awful. 

I decided to get over my fear and publish the video I made on Wednesday, a day after I published I am not doing okay again. This is literally me working through my issues on camera, talking about domestic abuse, dealing with trauma and emotions.  

I thought that publishing my first video ever was scary but this is the scariest thing I ever published because I feel very vulnerable. But maybe this is what I need. I need to be open, honest, vulnerable and stop thinking people will call me crazy or make fun of me. If I can’t speak to people directly about this, I will speak to a camera. 

So here’s the link, welcome to the inside of my head:  https://youtu.be/bvoENgpvaIE

I hope at least some of this made sense.  

Sending love and positive vibes, 
Luna 

Latest Poem: Poem #361
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: Step by Step

Categories
Poems

Poem #361

My skin is a shell hiding the mess inside.
My eyes do not give out fear,
mi lips do not stretch to smile.
When I look unapproachable
I get a feeling of safety.

If they don’t ask, I won’t have to tell.
If they focus on the bitchface
they won’t see the anxiety clutched around
my ankles. I have to drag her everywhere.

I flinch when I hear laughter or shouting.
I am constantly scared there are eyes on me.
I am scared of being seen and I’ve spent a lifetime
wanting to be heard.

Leaving my four walls feels like going on trial.
I know they don’t care, I know they aren’t looking
but I cannot shake off this feeling that they
are grading everything about my existence.
I am scared the shell is getting too weak
to hide the misery and fear I am trying
so hard to conceal.

Latest Poem: Poem #360
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: I am not doing okay…again

Categories
My life

I am not doing okay…again

I feel like my life updates on this blog are currently: I am okay / I am getting depressed. That’s it. I think I need therapy.

So yes, I have been consistently working on myself, eating better, working out, reading, meditating and then something just happened. But nothing actually happened. Like my body and mind are just fighting against the good decisions I am trying to make for myself. It’s like I am inviting chaos in my life and I cannot control it.

It all started on Sunday. I was just so damn emotional and sad and lonely. I got up on Monday at 6 as I do to do my workout before my job starts and I barely made it through. I felt itchy the whole day. I couldn’t sit still but I also didn’t want to move. But there was this uncomfortable energy inside of me.

And then I broke my clean eating and all of my good habits by binge eating. That was the alarm. That’s when I was like: January is about to repeat itself. Shit.

I barely made it out of bed this morning. I stayed in bed longer which is usually a sign for me that I am either ill or just not doing well. I was fighting with my craving for nicotine. I drank my coffee and the only think I could think about were cigarettes. I felt so bad. I had to have an internal talk with myself about how far I came without cigarettes and that it’s an unhealthy habit that is not easy to break and that I shouldn’t go back.

And then I sat down and decided to write because pretending I am fine and pretending like this is just a small issue is not going to work for me anymore. Putting stuff in writing means that I admit they are real. That’s why I write about my feelings and insecurities and problems and everything. Otherwise, I don’t consider it real and do not deal with it.

So yes, it’s important for me to let the world know that I am in a grey area. I am doing my best to not go to the dark area of my mind and to spiral again as I did at the beginning of the year. Getting better is a journey and I have to be honest with myself about the good and bad times of it.

All advice, book recommendations and other forms of help are welcome. This is a step forward, I am saying that I need help but I am also well aware that I need to first know how to and do everything to help myself.

I am sorry if you find my posts about being depressed or cooking boring but that’s what my life is currently and that’s okay.

This is also a reminder for you to check in on yourself and check in on your friends and family because someone might seem very happy and okay but they are going through hell in their head.

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna

Latest Poem: Poem #360
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: Productive Sunday

Categories
Poems

Poem #356

Being strong is a blessing only while
others think you are weak.

Being strong is not a get out of jail free card
when it comes to pain.
Being strong doesn’t mean our skin can’t bruise
or that the scars aren’t deep enough to bleed a river.
Being strong doesn’t always keep us on our feet,
when we fall, the blow breaks our knees.

It is not an invitation for you to push the limits.
It is not a challenge for you to see how much we can take.
It’s not a justification for the world when it hits us harder.
It does not mean we need to go through more pain than the rest.

Latest Poem: Poem #355
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Is it all over in your twenties?
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: I made stew!

Categories
Poems

Poem #348

If pain was the flag you flew under
how do you turn to happiness and not lose
a part of yourself?

If the art of suffering in rhymes was your art
how do you decide to smile and not
kill the poet inside?

Both sides of your existence meet and it’s like
two volcanoes erupting at the same time.
You are just running from the lava, trying not to
turn to ash.

When heart and mind collide
how can you survive?

Latest Poem: Poem #347
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Flowers in the Garden 
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back

Categories
Poems

Poem #342

I don’t know how to write about this. 
I don’t know how to let go of this. 
I don’t know how to explain this.  
 
It is a feeling that makes you not feel it. 
What is the poetic way to describe emptiness? 
My heart fell down in this space and it didn’t even echo. 
All my senses are worthless here. 
 
The writer in me got stuck trying to pen it 
How do you beat something you can’t even name? 
It numbs your senses, throws your vocabulary away. 
Trying to fight it is like trying to cut air. 

 

Categories
Poems

Poem #341

I guess my pain is like candy,
when you like tasting it so much.
At least something about me is sweet.

But I stay thinking there’s something
worth fighting for here.
Maybe I just want to be worth that fight.

I will stop asking, I will stop searching for your affection.
Just to see if it will still be there.
At the end of the day,
love you have to ask for never feels like love in the end.

 

Categories
Poems

Poem #338

This feeling that only feels liberating in
shackles. The room that gets smaller and
smaller, eating away the oxygen.
The 24/7 panic attack that begins when you
decide to lock away your heart.

You just wanted to give your heart a break
after it has been broken. Now you forgot how
to use it, you are running away from its purpose.