Be kind to yourself

We hear phrases such as “Listen to your gut” or “Love yourself” everywhere. They are screaming off social media platforms, life coaches use them, we see them written everywhere but do we really grasp the concept of being kind to oneself and loving oneself and listening to our gut?

As always, I’ll start from experience. A few months back I got my bachelors in Italian and Spanish philology. There I was, all proud of myself for finishing the three years without failing one single class, with a title in front of my name and then the time came for me to start my masters which would have taken me two years to finish. That feeling… I’ll never forget that feeling. Every time I thought about going back to my university, spending hours in classes, studying, preparing for exams… It made me want to die. I had extreme panic attacks. My gut was yelling “Hell NOOOOOO”. I told my gut she should shut up because society and my family told me that the field I was in, which was foreign languages, was nothing without a master’s degree. So I listened to what others had to say and I started my masters.

The panic attacks increased. My health was deteriorating. I had to use every single piece of strength I had to pull myself out of bed and attend a single lecture. I hated the world. Negativity was oozing out of my skin. Then my gut decided to fight against my decisions in every way possible. I was never the one to oversleep. If my alarm went off, I was on my feet already making my morning coffee. All of the sudden, I started oversleeping. I wouldn’t hear my alarm and I started to miss my lectures. After a while, I started failing exams. It took me a while to gather the strength and say that I quit. Right then and there I placed the label “FAILURE” on my forehead in big, bold red letters for everyone to see. I called myself a failure.

I promised my family and myself that in a year I would enroll in a private university and start a masters in International relations and diplomacy which costs a lot of money but I came to an agreement with my mom that we would get a student loan from the bank. Since I considered myself to be a failure, I didn’t start looking for a job in my field of expertise because the part of my brain which told me I was a failure also told me that there are people with masters and PHD’s in languages, people who studied abroad who were better than me and that no one would hire me because they could hire those other people who weren’t failures like me. I got a job as a waitress. Regarding that experience I think it’s enough to say that I can’t count how many times I had to drink to make it through my shift but I considered my behavior to be okay because I was a failure.

Time passed by, my health was getting worse, I was making all of the wrong choices regarding relationships in my life and then it hit me. I hated myself and I resented myself so much that I was torturing myself at a job I hated and punishing myself just because I didn’t fit in with societies norms. The time came for me to get the student loan. I was depressed for weeks. I didn’t talk to anyone. I ended up in the emergency room because I couldn’t breathe normally. Life was just bitch slapping me and then, after months of banging my head against a wall and living just to survive I decided I can do better.

I quit my job and started a new one where I am somewhat in the proximity of my field of studies. I said no to the private university and decided to attend lectures in Digital marketing because this is something that gets me excited. How did this shift in my behavior happen? I started to be kind to myself.

I scrapped off that “FAILURE” label from my forehead and told myself that it took courage to drop out of school and start finding myself. It took strength to admit that I was lost and unhappy. It took fucking balls to take control of my life and start living it according to my rules. The shift first happened in my head and then it manifested in my life. All I had to do was give myself a pat on the back and tell myself that I am doing the best that I can and that it’s okay to take time off to find whatever it is that’s missing from my life. Changes aren’t painless. Changes aren’t easy but if during that change period you hate yourself and have negative self-talk you will only make things worse for yourself.

Do I know what the hell I am doing with my life? NO
Do I hate myself for that? Also NO

I still relapse into my old behavior patterns such as drinking, smoking and hating myself for not being the poster child for society norms but I also identify that behavior quickly and implement positive self-talk into my life. Don’t call yourself a failure and don’t put yourself down. You are so much more that what others think of you. Hell, you are so much more than what you think of yourself. Give yourself credit for how far you came. Recognize your mistakes and learn from them, don’t use them as fuel to the fire of your self-hate.

You need to reconnect with your inner world in order to start being kind to yourself.  You have to do this via a process that suits you best such as writing, meditating, exercising etc. That voice in your head that is trying to put you down will always be there, you just need to be louder than it.

My Graduation Ceremony

I know I promised to have this post up on Wednesday but unfortunately I’ve been so tired and occupied the last few days that I didn’t come around to it but here it is now. I had my bachelor’s degree graduation ceremony on Tuesday. I have a bachelor’s in Italian and Spanish philology. I’ve spent Monday and Tuesday in Zadar, the city where I studied, and it was amazing. I didn’t even know how much I needed to get back to that city, see my friends, feel like a student again and just remind myself that my current situation is just temporary (but I will write another post about it). I invited my mother, uncle, friends Ivana and Isabella to attend the ceremony and later on we went to a bar to drink a round of shots and we had a pleasant lunch at a restaurant. Here are some pics for you!

I quit!

Hello guys!

First I need to apologize. Lately I haven’t been so active and I wasn’t replying to all of your wonderful, supportive comments because honestly I didn’t have much time. Here’s a little explanation.

I am quitting university. This is a very big step for me and I am absolutely terrified of doing it but I am also aware that it’s necessary for me to take a year off and get some time to think about what I really want in life. I already have my bachelor’s in Spanish and Italian but I am just not sure this is the career I want to be in right now. All of this is life changing for me because I’ve been doing this for three years just to realize it’s not all I thought it would be when I enrolled.

Also, the main reason why this is so scary is the fact that I don’t have a job. Sadly, with me degree I am qualified to do absolutely nothing. I’ve been to a job interview, I am applying for jobs everywhere and I think that I will be waitressing for this year until I figure out what I want to do. All I am sure of right now is that I need to find a job as soon as possible because I am as broke as one can be.

The hardest part of quitting is actually moving out of my apartment. I am leaving it this Saturday and I am just surrounded by boxes, bags, stuff and it’s all a big mess. Moving is exhausting and that’s why I didn’t spend a lot of time on my page.

This is pretty much the explanation. I will keep you updated here about everything that’s going on and as soon as I get any job, you know I will brag about it here. Send me positive thoughts because I seriously need them now and fingers crossed for my job hunt. Thank you again for all your love and support, you guys are the best!

Sending you much love!

I got my Bachelor’s degree

So I passed my last final exam today which was the Spanish exam! I officially now have a Bachelor’s degree in Spanish and Italian…. And I’m not at all excited.

When I got my bachelor’s in Italian I was over the top happy. I remember having drinks with my friend at one in the afternoon. We were so happy and pleased with ourselves and today this was a complete humiliation. I wasn’t all that prepared and I was convinced that I will not pass. To be honest, I was kind of looking forward to taking a year off university to work or maybe even go somewhere but I still decided to give it one last shot and took the exam. It was an oral exam and it was so awful. The professors made fun of me, started questioning me about the reasons for which I even started studying Spanish. They just said a lot of things that were actually very hurtful. I do admit, again, that I was not well prepared but then they could have told me to come back in a year and not behave so rude towards me.

It’s just an off day for me today and I don’t feel excited about getting my bachelor’s and going further with my education. I always wanted to have a masters in Spanish and Italian but I think I will only go with the Italian. I have a few days to decide and I just can’t think of a solution.

Anyways my day sucks big time! I think I’ll spend the rest of the evening snuggled under a blanket with a book and…well I’m not going to lie, I’m drinking beer today. I need it. Hope you’re having a great day!

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My final is tomorrow

My final Spanish exam is tomorrow and I started to study way to late and now I’m kind of panicking. I have today to catch up on a lot of stuff and I am just so, so scared. I already have my bachelors in Italian and now I need to get this one but I’m going crazy.

I hope everything will go well and I’m only comforting myself with the fact that I can take the exam again next Friday but that is the last time this year I can take it. If I fail tomorrow and the next week then I am pretty much, pardon my French, screwed.

If anyone has some tips on how to study faster or some advice send it to me, comment it, DM me, do anything just heeeelp!

Link to the article  BAD FEMALE, GO TO YOUR ROOM (and escape through the damn window): https://www.ebay.com/itm/352457536757

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No puedo más!

No puedo más!

Yesterday I talked about exams and today I have an update. I failed. Not all of my exams but I did fail one and unfortunately I’m the type of person to focus on the one thing that went wrong. If anyone has advice on how to stop doing this, leave it in the comments.

I’ve passed my Italian grammar and Italian stylistic. The Spanish grammar exam is divided into two parts and I’ve failed one of them, the translation. I was never bad at it and I have no idea what’s going on but I know it got me all depressed. I honestly thought I did so well but I was wrong and on Tuesday I’m going to go and see what I did wrong and in two weeks I’m taking the exam again.

Today is a rainy day so I decided to curl up under the blanket with a cup of hot cocoa and watch the new episode of Scandal. Then one episode of Scandal turned into one episode of How to Get Away With Murder, one episode of The Big Bang Theory so I’m kind of procrastinating today. Guess I deserved a rest because I worked like an idiot this week.

I’m proud of myself for passing at least three exams so far but I still have a lot to do and study. Two exams next week, keep your fingers crossed!

Hope you’re having a wonderful FriYay!

 

 

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