The Oxford University

Hello. Good day, good sirs.

How do you do.

I have with me my resumé,

A poem I’ll perform for you,

I’ve also brought my ukulele,

A stress ball and a hip flask, too.

(Just in case). In case of what?

A case of what? I’m glad you ask.

A case that’s very clinical indeed:

I’ve read the whole of War and Peace;

[exchanging looks]

I also know what alliteration is.

[an awed gasp]

Impressive, yes, I am aware

I am the candidate you seek.

Depression’s mild, panic attacks rare –

PTSD, but just a dot.

(War and Peace did take its toll)

I write prose, poetry and plays –

Your inspiration?

Well, just the classics – Brontë, Orwell,

Had a recent E. L. James phase.

The trilogy?

Yessir, all shades of grey in this bleak world.

What did you think?

A masterpiece of modern literature that both marvelled and disturbed.

I see.

[upon much contemplation]

Although you certainly have… an eccentricity, 

We feel that your application 

As… unique and bold as it is, 

Does not quite live up to the expectation

Of a student apt enough to bear the pressure of our course. 

And above all – 

Allow me to correct the errors of your discourse.

Excuse me?

Mister-Sir-Professor, you are about to suffer a loss of great extent –

We disagree. 

For goodness’ sake, you bearded snob –

Just listen and you shall see:

Please leave the room.

“Good day, good sirs – ”



Am a notorious womanizer currently residing at Oxford university named Carter. Joking, I have no life and I’ve been rejected because apparently I wasn’t ‘flexible enough in thought’ which I’m still very bitter about and use as poem inspiration amongst sex, my imaginary career in womanizing and soppy things.


If you would like to have your work published in The Poetry Bar send your poem, a few words about yourself and the link to your blog and Instagram account (if you have one) to the e-mail 

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