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The Poetry Bar

Coffee Date: Equality in parenthood

Guys, I don’t know if this is one of our lovely Coffee Dates or me just having the need to vent about a thing I got randomly triggered by even though it does not really concern me. Let’s begin, shall we?

I was bored and did something I only do when I am bored and that’s scrolling through Facebook. I don’t know why facebook is still a thing but anyways…. An article about a woman who ended up in jail because she didn’t pay alimony was there and I had to be stupid enough to go and read the comments. I don’t know why I do this to myself.

I am going to focus on one thing here, one type of comment under this post. So, if we are mentioning alimony you already know that parents are divorced and the kids went to one of the parents – in this case the father.

The comment that just triggered me (and I will try to translate it the best that I can from Croatian) was: “You know how good of a mother she was if the court gave the kids to the father”. There were several comments of this nature under the post. What the fuck is wrong with our society? We have all of this fucking technology, we came to so many new discoveries, built so much but yet we cannot grow out of this patriarchal view of families and family roles.

Let’s just be clear on one thing – in many countries around the world, when parents get divorced the court and social services are more inclined towards giving the kids to the mother. And that bothers me. So when a mom doesn’t get the kids in the divorce then we question what type of a mother that is but when the father does not get the kids, that’s normal. We set the bar for fatherhood that low we don’t even bother to discuss the biased opinions the judiciary system has about family and parenthood; we do not even consider that both parents should have an equal opportunity to get custody of their kids. And that FUCKING BOTHERS ME!

For people who came to my blog for the first time, just know that this is coming from someone who grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father and still I can be objective enough to expect for fathers to be as good as the “mother” stereotype we uphold.

Parenthood should be equality. Both a mother and a father should be able to raise their kid, put clothes on them, cook a meal for them, study with them, put a roof over their head and they both should be held responsible for their child’s well-being. PERIOD! If one parent does not know how to take care of a child in the absence of the other parent, then that person should not have kids. I am sorry to anyone offended by this, but it’s the truth. A child is a responsibility and if you are not ready for it then don’t have a kid. If you expect your spouse to take care of the baby, then you are not ready for the baby.

I don’t like how we applaud fathers for things that should be expected from them like changing the diapers, for example. When a mom does it, it’s just a random thing but when we see a father who is changing diapers, feeding the kid, waking up in the middle of the night when the baby is crying etc., then we often have the need to tell the wife/mom how lucky she is for having such a good husband. Do you see how messed up that is? I know this is not the rule in general but we see this type of behavior often and it got us to the point where we are fine with the system discriminating against fathers when it comes to giving custody over the kids during a divorce.

If we are going to keep the bar this low for fathers and just expect moms to take care of the kid then we do not have a family with a mother and a father – we have a mother and a sperm donor.

I could make a whole separate post about moms just enabling the fathers to feel comfortable with sitting on that low bar society set for them. Also, I could make a whole post to talk about how this toxic mindset has badly influenced parents and kids living in domestic abuse. I am going to speak from my own experience – on more than one occasion the police and the judges and people in general overlooked all of the circumstances in which my family lived, overlooked how many times we had to call the cops, asked for help around my dad and took him to rehabs because of his alcohol addiction because all that could come out of their mouths was “What type of mother keeps her kids in such danger”. It’s always easier to judge than discuss the system that does not protect people in need, in poverty, victims of abuse etc. But that’s a topic for another day.

I am not a mom and maybe this is not a topic I should discuss, but this is my opinion and I am sticking by it. Feel free to let me know what you think about this in the comments down below!

This is off-topic, I would just like to thank you for being around and for showing me a lot of love on my last Coffee Date where I opened up about my struggle with my mental health in the last few weeks. Knowing I still have a safe space here is amazing and makes me feel good. I am currently in the process of getting myself out of this mess and getting better. I hope I will be able to make more posts for you soon and film some YouTube videos (already brainstorming some ideas) because straying away from writing and content creating always puts me in a bad state. Thank you all again, you are amazing, all 6.900+ of you <3

Let me know if there’s a topic you would like to discuss in out next Coffee Date and let me know if you have some video ideas for me – all suggestions are welcome!

Sending love and positive vibes!

Luna

Latest Poem: Poem #349
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: The art of getting comfortable
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back

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Coffee Date

Coffee Date: The art of getting comfortable

This is not easy to write, not just because it’s hard for me to discuss but because it has been so long since I’ve written anything that I don’t know how to do it well. Let’s just let the stream of thoughts flow.

After the last earthquake in Croatia, I took some time off. It was right before New Years and I just wanted to have some time for myself and away from my job and blog and everything. Just me. It turned into a disaster.

My mind does not like to be left without a hobby because then I spiral into negativity and episodes of sadness, fear, anxiety and all things that make me want to lock the door and never leave the room. Working from home certainly made this easy for me – too easy.

The first red flag that I was not doing well came with a sudden craving for smoking. I broke the habit over a year ago and was not planning on sinking into my nicotine addiction no matter how bad the cravings got. Smoking was an addiction but it was also a way for me to push down negative feelings. Something in my cup, music in the background and a cloud of smoke around me.

Instead of screaming that I am not doing well and seeking help, I started to close up. I got new addictions that helped me push the feelings down even for a short while – beer and binge eating. A few pounds are already visible, but I pretend they are not there.

“Why are you this unhappy?”, I asked myself one day. In an attempt to try and make myself feel better I started thinking about everything I had – a family, a good relationship, a good job etc., and the more I listed everything I got, the more I felt ungrateful and started telling myself that my own negative feelings were invalid and that I need to be happy because I do not have a lot to be unhappy about.

In the past, these feelings meant that there was something wrong in terms of me not seeking out to find what inspires me, to strive for more. These feelings were there to yell at me that I’ve gotten too comfortable and that I need to start moving forward. They would force me to move forward before they ate me up alive. I completely disregarded this now. I knew this when I was 15 and full of life but the 24 and tired version of me wanted to turn a blind eye and become even more comfortable.

And so January flew by with me waking up, working, eating, watching Netflix and being socially anxious about going outside while telling myself I am not socially anxious and that it was just the time we live in when people don’t want to be around other people. A month of getting extremely comfortable with all those negative feelings still floating around. A month of telling myself I do not deserve to feel bad because I have what I need to survive. Not live. Survive.

My quarantine-born Netflix addiction would lead me to different shows and whenever there was a scene that was sad or tears-of-joy happy, I would have to try really hard not to cry. It was not the scenes, it was something inside of me that had to be cried out but I did not let it. I would get in bed after a long, hot shower – the same bed I spent the whole day working and watching Netflix in – and I would pray for sleep to come before my brain had time to overthink this mess I was making of myself.

I stopped writing because the 24 and tired version of me knew that writing would get the demons out and it would make me move, kick me right out of this comfort zone.

And so February came. I looked at what I had done to my blog, looked at all of the filming equipment I got for youtube because I was excited to make videos and I just kept on getting comfortable. I will get to it eventually. I will get around my dreams and goals right after this “me time” that has done nothing but made me unhealthy, mentally unstable, overly emotional and a complete mess overall. Isn’t “me time” supposed to make you feel better?

So here I am, doing what I’ve done countless times before. Writing all of this out in hopes it will provide some much-needed clarity, peace and healing. Am I scared that I went in too deep into the comfort that it will take me months to recover and get back to myself? Yes.

But I have to force myself to not get scared by that feeling. I have to force myself to face it, conquer it and remind myself of who I am, what I came here to do and convince myself that I am not this tired, comfortable and unhappy person I tried so hard to be. There’s more, there will always be more and I have the right to go after it, whatever it takes.

Latest Poem: Poem #348
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Flowers in the Garden 
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back

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Coffee Date

Coffee Date with Luna: Flowers in the Garden

Hello everyone and welcome to another Coffee Date with Luna! 

We have not had a little chat for a long time now. How are you all doing? 

There was one of my posts called Embrace your Insecurities where I discussed my insecurities and body image issues with all of you and today I want to discuss the thing that has an impact on our insecurities which is the Instagram girl. 

For all of you that are on Instagram or are familiar with it, you already saw in your mind a certain picture of a girl when you read the words Instagram girl. It’s the perfect, polished girl with big boobs, small waist, huge ass, tiny legs, Kylie Jenner lips and perfect hair. And girls like that exist in real life, but these that we see on social media, for the most part, only exist on social media and no one would recognize them in real life. I know there’s an equivalent for this girl in the male world and I suppose it’s the rich guy who drives a fancy car and has a 6pack. Correct me if I am wrong.  

I am not going to discuss in depth the impact this has on men’s and women’s body issues and eating disorders but I just want to talk about the fact that we are trying to destroy the most natural thing we have in the world and that’s diversity. Why is everyone trying to look the same? 

Have you ever come across a person that has made an impact on the world and read something along the lines of “s(he) looked, talked, walked and thought just like everyone else”? The answer to that is no because trying to be a clone of pop culture is suffocating your creativity and bringing desperation to your life. 

There is so much beauty in diversity but we are trying our best to pretend it’s not there or we have just become blind to it from years of following imposed beauty standards. Everyone can agree that nature is beautiful, but it’s beautiful because of its diversity, colors etc. If every flower was trying to look like the other flower, we would have one flower and our garden would look boring. Why are we trying to look boring?! 

I understand that people go under the knife or have cosmetic procedures done because they are insecure. I thought about stuff like that and stuff I would like to change but then I stop and ask myself – Is it worth it? Maybe in a few years, I will change my mind about this but for now, my 24 years old brain is getting really tired of this clone culture that social media created. 

When I filmed my first Youtube video I noticed that my face was very asymmetrical but I thought it was because I was filming on my phone. Then I filmed my second Youtube video with my new camera and realized that my face indeed is asymmetrical. I was trying to determine if it was the lightning, the angle or something that made my face look like that and then I realized that in reality one of my eyes is a bit bigger than the order, one side of my lips is plumper than the other and one part of my jaw was a bit “chubbier” than the other. And that’s fucking okay. Instead of believing what social media is telling me I need to look like, I will rather listen to science that has confirmed human bodies are asymmetrical and that’s perfectly fine and NATURAL. 

With the world we live in, it’s very hard to just love yourself and be there for yourself when the media is trying to tell you that you look/sound/talk the wrong way and that you are eating the wrong things and that your body is not the way it should be. Even if some find it superficial, having an honest talk about body insecurities and how social media exacerbated them is necessary. I don’t want to dive into these types of topics because I didn’t research them yet, but with the development of social media, there was a rise in suicide and more teens were entering different mental health institutions. Is this what we want?  

Embracing yourself and the way you are different, gives your body, face and soul the dignity and respect the world has been trying to take away from it. Let’s just find the beauty in diversity again and go back to nature from which we came and to which we belong. Remember: no flower is the same in the garden. 

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna 

Last Coffee Date: Recognize your patterns
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Poem: Poem #343

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The Poetry Bar

Coffee Date with Luna: Addicted to the Noise

Hello everyone!

I rose from the dead, here I am actually blogging on my own blog. My last few weeks have been quite interesting and when I say interesting, I mean numbingly painful but I am still working through that bullshit. When I say that I rose from the dead I mean it.

Forgot to say, welcome to another Coffee Date with Luna. Depending on when I actually publish this, might be time for warm milk before bedtime with Luna, but that’s beside the point.

Growing up in domestic violence (what a lovely way to start a blog post), you cannot function in silence or in a lot of noise which is more common for such environment. When there was noise, when we were fighting or my father was chasing us around the house trying to beat us, I heard something and I knew that everyone was alive and conscious if they were speaking. Silence would sometimes be comforting, especially on those rare night when I wouldn’t go to bed listening to my father’s drunk rants about how he’s going to burn the house down while we sleep in it. But there’s this other thing that you start fearing about silence and it’s silence itself. I would often catch myself enjoying some moments of peace and quiet to only then be awaken by the thought that someone is hurt or that my father randomly fell somewhere while he was drunk and broke his neck. Yes people, welcome to my childhood thoughts. Don’t worry, he is still alive and back then he was mostly sleeping on the couch or the floor because he was too drunk to make it to bed.

This fear of silence made me into a person that constantly has to have noises around me. While I was living alone in Zadar, I always had music playing in the background or the TV was on. If I was going to the store, I had my headphones in. I had a playlist for bedtime. Music would be playing while I would get ready in the morning or while I was under the shower. And this routine continued.

Do you know what this does to you? It takes away your time to self-reflect and think about your problems and fears by constantly distracting your brain. I do not know how to be in silence or allow my brain to just process situations. I let everything build up inside of me until I become so emotionally unstable that I get depressed. And you want to know something? YOU ALL FUCKING DO IT AS WELL.

We live in a climate where we are encouraged to constantly be distracted by all types of shit. Our phones are always buzzing with notifications, there’s always someone talking, there’s always a new show to watch, news to keep up with etc. We all suffer from FOMO (fear of missing out). We are so caught up in this era of smart devices and constant noises that we forget about the whole world that’s inside each and every one of us.

I finished reading G. Steinem’s book called Revolution from Within. There’s a part where she speaks about people being healed emotionally and physically by coming back to nature. Do you know what nature is? Quiet. When was the last time when I enjoyed spending time in nature? When I was a kid, I used to run around and climb trees because being on a high tree with the fear of falling and breaking something was safer than being inside my house. Ever since I was liberated from domestic abuse, I gravitated towards the city, the noise, the constant distractions. The only thing that changes this for me is the proximity of the sea. I have a very special bond with the sea but I don’t spend much time on the seaside.

What I’ve come to realize lately, as I’ve been spending more time at home with my mom, is that this running away from my childhood and my inner self has produced a very negative side effect. I lost my memory or suppressed it so hard that I cannot remember years and years of my life. If something were to happen to my mother (God forbid), I would lose years of my life because she is literally the only person that can tell me what happened at certain points. I just don’t remember but that’s a problem for another post. I am researching this issue currently.

This is what being addicted to distractions and to noise brought me. I forgot who I was, do not like to think about who I am or what I wish to be. In this world of noises, I think it’s time for me to put the volume down and go back to me, listen to what I have to say and go through the pain and the thoughts and the memories for as long as it takes to process everything.

In a world that doesn’t want us to think, it’s hard to take that step. It’s not a step out of a comfort zone. It’s more like a jump of a cliff but we have to see it as a leap of faith, a return to the natural, to the human, to the raw part of life that was here before the noise and before devices that became smarter than us.

There is catharsis to be found in books, art, music and creation but there’s truth to be found in the world that’s inside of us. We came to the world naked, screaming and without shame. Let’s not leave it hidden, silenced and manipulated.

Sending love and positive vibes,

Luna

 

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Coffee Date

Coffee Date with Luna: Recognize Your Patterns

Hello everyone and welcome to another Coffee Date with Luna!

Ever since I dropped out of grad school, I have been experiencing a sort of a life crisis. Sometimes it’s okay, sometimes it hits me like a wave and I am a terrible swimmer. One of the things I have learned in this time is that the only way to grow and get the fuck out of this is to review my past actions, what decisions led up to this and how to take accountability for my actions and make better choices in the future. Trust me, I do not have this figured out yet, but baby steps are still steps forward.

One of the decisions I had to review is the type of people I let into my life, especially when it came to romantic relationships. Using the word romantic linked to the toxic relationships I actually had is very amusing to me. I had the attachments, the infatuations, the beliefs I found love and that love will conquer all and now I am here 24 years old and still do not know shit about love. But I do love to write about it.

When I look back and review my relationships, there are patterns I can recognize. I would either get into a relationship that would seem great but it would end abruptly because something was missing, I didn’t feel like the person I was with had any genuine feelings about me, like they didn’t care about me. The second pattern is rushing into relationships that I knew deep down would never work and then being crushed. As if I was looking for this amazing love that would survive the obstacles and thrive. And people, I thrived in one of those relationships that ended up with me crying and smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. It wasn’t just the relationship that was toxic. The consequences echoed in my life for years and when I look back, I cannot help but ask myself: Why do I hate myself so much?

I refuse to take all of the blame for my failed relationships, but I can recognize where I went wrong. I didn’t leave people because they didn’t love me the way I need to be loved, but because I didn’t love myself. I projected my problems and my insecurities on to them. I wanted them to give me the love and attention I never gave myself. I was looking for someone who would care about me because I didn’t care about myself.

I started relationships and became infatuated with men who were bad for me because I didn’t feel like I was worthy or love. I humiliated myself to the point where I accepted crumbs off someone’s table and called it love. This is getting very hard to write but it’s something I have to face in order to be better and do better for myself.

I decided to share with you my relationship issues because you have these patterns too and maybe they just came into your mind. Writing them down, acknowledging these patterns will not solve them but it’s a start of a very long and prosperous journey. You cannot solve your problems in one night, in one post, in facing the truth but you can solve them with consistent work and by being honest with yourself always.

It’s hard. It’s fucking hard. It took me 3 weeks to sit down and write this because it’s not easy to admit that I hurt myself with my past relationships just because I didn’t love myself enough to seek what I deserve, what we all deserve which is love and respect and happiness. Do I love myself now? No. It’s a process but I won’t speed it up by not doing anything about it so, as always, I am sharing my truth here. I hope my little encounter with honesty will help you in your journey.

This is all I can take for this post, it’s hard to write about this when I don’t have my feelings sorted out but I am working on it. This is one of those baby steps.

As always let me know in the comments below your thoughts, what would you want to read about next and let me know how are you doing?

I love you all!

Sending love and positive vibes,

Luna

 

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Coffee Date

Coffee Date with Luna: Why?

Hello everyone and welcome to another Coffee Date with Luna!

Our theme of today is not a very nice one but it’s a necessary one. I understand that there are many important subjects we could discuss and write about here but I, as a survivor or domestic abuse and a person that knows damn well how the system works, have to speak about this.

Epstein. May he rot in hell for all eternity and may that abomination of a woman that’s in jail now join him after she spills the truth on everyone involved.  Disgusting. It is disgusting that the authorities knew about this while they were abusing and trafficking girls. We all know it’s all true. We all know those girls do not have a reason to lie and that they are just a drop in the ocean of millions of girls whose childhood and teenage years were taken away from them. Why aren’t we talking about the girls who were brainwashed, scared into submission, to the sisters that were IGNORED BY THE FBI WHEN THEY SPOKE UP YEARS BEFORE EPSTEIN HAD A RAPE ISLAND!!!!!

Disgusting. I could insult and rain shit on Epstein and Maxwell but let’s talk about the actual impact this has on women who are victims of any type of assault and abuse, not just sexual.

Why was Epstein able to do what he did?
Money

Why was he conveniently suicided when the eye of the public was on this case?
Power.

The two things that run the world and are well connected. This shit went to the top. Why is no one speaking about that carrot looking troll in the White house who is a known misogynist, who insulted women and said “you need to grab them by the pussy” – why is no one looking into his friendship with Epstein? Why is prince andrew still free? Why are we letting this happen in front of our eyes.

A victim has come forward and accused prince andrew and he is out while she is still fighting for justice.  Even if there’s a crown on your head or a title in front of your name, you will be held accountable. I think it’s just deplorable how the British press had more to say about Markle, how they harassed her while there’s an alleged pedophile in the “royal” family. We can also talk about how the “royal” family is not saying anything about this, but I do not have the whole day. All I will say that as long as the powerful protect the powerful, the rest of us are a long way from justice.

And this is what scares the shit out of me. This case went up to the top. Not only were judges, FBI and lawyers looking at this, the world was keeping up with this case. The world was looking at this and everyone involved is telling women all across the world that they need to shut up when they are assaulted because no one is doing shit about it.

We are literally looking at money buying a way out for pedophiles so why should women anywhere be encouraged to speak out not only on Epstein but on other men? I know what fear is and I know what it means to FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE in a system designed to fail the victims and this is not an exaggeration. Why don’t we understand that women speaking out on assault and looking for protection are actually trying to save their life? Why do we need a dead woman, bodies piling up to realize that the fight against abuse is a fight for life?

True story now. I was a minor when I testified against my father and I mean, I was a minor! I have memories of my childhood very suppressed but I was somewhere between 10-12 years old. A psychiatrist who worked with my father stated that he is a man capable of killing. A trained specialist in his field described my father as a potential murderer. The police ignored us for years, there was actually a plot to get my sister and me away from my mom and we fought through everything, we got our day in court. Do you know what happened when 10-12 years old me stepped out of the judge’s room where I testified? My father was sitting there. The system that finally said “We are here to protect you before he kills you” let my severely violent father know that his underaged child was giving a testimony which will help to put him in prison. The fear I felt that day in something that cannot be described in words. For years I lived in fear of him escaping and killing the three of us. And just for the record, he did escape a few times from the facility where they held him after he got out of jail.

So these aggressions against women in the Epstein case by the system happen on a daily basis as well and why should women feel encouraged to step out or believe they have the right to protection if we are looking at pedophiles and rapists walking around freely while there are evidence and allegations against them?

I know that his coffee date has been a lot of WHY? But I believe you got my message. I am just here being 24 years old and still fighting my traumas, looking at this case and asking myself

When is this going to stop?

When are women going to have rights in reality, not just paper?

When will humanity be more important than money?

When will there be justice?

How many more victims are there?

How many more will there be?

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Coffee Date

Coffee Date with Luna: Inspiration in pain

Hello everyone and welcome to another Coffee Date with Luna!

Usually I intended for Coffee dates to be published each Saturday but here we are.

Yesterday I went to bed a bit early because I wanted to wake up early today but that didn’t work and I ended up spending a few hours overthinking and my thoughts came to my blog and my writing.

If you follow me, you know I haven’t been posting a lot of my original poetry lately and the reason for that is that right now I am very happy in my life. I have already noticed before that I have writer’s block when I am happy. Poetry and writing in general had always been an outlet for me, a way to let go of bad emotions and terrible experiences. When I come to periods such as this one when I am happy, I have things going well for me, that creative part of me just become blocked.

Do you experience this?

I know everyone has their way of writing but I got to thinking if this is toxic for me in a way. Would I ever sabotage myself and my happiness in order to write something? And yes, my brain likes to go to extremes when I am overthinking alone at night but this question has really been bothering me. How far would I be ready to go to break this writer’s block and can I unintentionally invite unhappiness and pain to my life just to find inspiration to write?

My mind was spinning a lot last night and I thought it would be best to read more and get in touch with art and poetry again to find a new source of inspiration. Do you have any good book recommendations to get me through this period?

Writing is something that has been with me through life, I have created my blog around it and I have connected with all of you thanks to poetry and I would hate to have to pick between my writing inspiration and my happiness.

Even though I am very happy currently, this part of me is missing and I think I would experience my feelings of joy more intense if I were able to write about them but I fail every time.

Tell me what you think about this, have you experienced this or any other type of writer’s block. Also, is there any subject you would like us to discuss in our Coffee Dates?

Sending love and positive vibes,

Luna

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Coffee Date

Coffee Date with Luna: Updates

Hello everyone and welcome to another Coffee Date with Luna! 

Usually, I have some specific theme I write about in these Coffee Dates but this is just a random life update. I have been away from the blog for a while now because I have been working in the office. As you know I have been working from home for a very, very long time and the past two weeks I have been back in Zagreb and in the office. Now I am going to work from home again. In order to have fewer people in the office we take turns every two weeks with work from home. 

This was one of the reasons why I was away from the blog. I was adapting to being out of quarantine, back in Zagreb and it just started feeling normal and then there was a spike in COVID-19 cases. Zagreb has the most cases in Croatia which was to be expected. A few days ago it became mandatory to wear a mask in public transportation and cabs. So there’s a little update on the COVID situation in Croatia, how are your countries doing? 

The quarantine in Croatia has ended because we managed to put the situation under control but also because it is the summer and the Croatian economy is centered around tourism.(VISIT CROATIA, GIVE US YOUR MONEY. jk). I am also planning to visit the coast this summer with my boyfriend.  This won’t be some YOLO vacation; we will keep safe and avoid large crowds of people. It will be more of a quiet vacation. We will go to the beach, maybe go to a restaurant for dinner because it’s my birthday soon and that will be about it. Nothing big, just taking some time away from Zagreb, my work, his university.   

These two weeks working in the office really benefited me when it comes to mental health. Since I travel with a tram to my work, I was scared of catching the virus but being in the office was so relaxing. I missed my work team, joking around with them. I was a lot less stressed about work since working from the office again because we can joke about work, talk, help each other out. Just being around people made it easier than it was while I was working from home. I am actually a bit sad because I won’t see them for three weeks because I will be working from home for a week and then I will go on vacation for two weeks.  

This is pretty much a little bit about my very boring life. Let me know in the comments how are you doing, what is the situation in your country, what is new with you? We haven’t had a coffee date for a long time. In the last Coffee Date you were all so supportive and kind and thank you very much for always being here for me. Also, some of you told me you would enjoy story times so I am currently working on that. I am also considering creating videos for story times, I think it would be interesting and a new hobby for me since I know nothing about creating videos. I was thinking to film a few on my phone and I know it won’t be best quality but I want to see if I can commit to this before considering buying a camera.  

I will stop talking now and be waiting for all of your comments, I’ll reply to everyone as soon as possible. Also, let me know what you would like to discuss next on our Coffee dates! 

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna 

 

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Coffee Date

Coffee Date with Luna: 20 something crisis

Hello Everyone! 

It has been a long time since I just posted on the blog, had a talk with you or in this case, a cup of coffee. There is a reason for that. I have been going through a bit of a crisis that I do not know how to explain to myself or to others. 

I have a good job which keeps me financially stable, recently I met someone very special in my life, since I started working from home I have had more time to spend with my family, I have great friends and the list could go on about the things that are really going for me right now and still I am so miserable. There is a constant feeling of something missing in my life and it’s eating me away.  

I know that my career choices have a lot to do with my unhappiness. My goal in life was not and is not to be a customer service agent. I do like this job and I absolutely adore the people I am working with but there is still that feeling that something is missing. I have been in this career crisis on and off for the past 2 years and it’s a normal thing every 20something goes through but I can feel my mental health going to hell fast because I cannot cope with not having a purpose in life. Being aware of the fact that my degree is worthless and that no one wants to hire me in digital marketing because I have no fucking experience is not making this easy on me.  

Yesterday was my one year anniversary of working as a customer service agent. I have been feeling like shit for the last two weeks because I knew that I was reaching that one year at a job that was supposed to be temporary until I get my Digital Marketing certificate so that I can do something I am 100% invested in. But again there is this fear – what if I get into a Digital marketing agency and realize after some time that it’s not what I actually want? What if I just got that certificate to cover up for the fact that I dropped out of grad school without a fucking plan? 

As you can see, I am struggling which is why I haven’t been so active on the blog. I have had problems opening up to people about this because they either do not understand completely what I am saying or hit me with “Do you know how many people lost their job during quarantine and how many people are being paid less because of the COVID situation and how lucky you are right now?”  

Yes, I do know. 

I haven’t been fired, my job was never in question and there were no paycheck cuts in my firm. The only difference for us was that we had to work from home. That is it. Not a single person in the customer care center where I work felt the effects of quarantine when it comes to job security and money and this is amazing and I applaud the company for that.  

I don’t know if I am able to put this nicely, but I do not know how to feel okay and satisfied with my life just because others have it worse. Other people being in bad situations shouldn’t be a standard for me to feel good about myself and about my life but I have often felt under attack if I expressed any of these opinions out loud which made the struggle in my head even worse because it is all in my head. 

And then I opened up my laptop today and decided to write this mess out because this is my safe place and I often stray away from it when I’m in trouble but I am glad to be back. Thank you for putting up with my annoying rant about unhappiness. I know that our Coffee Dates are usually reserved for happy thoughts but I just had to get this off my chest. 

Please do let me know if you experienced similar issues and how did you deal with them? Let’s be the supportive WordPress community that we are.  

Also, we already passed 5,5k followers here on WordPress, my Poetry Bar inbox is full of your submissions so let me know if there’s any type of different content you would like to see on this blog. I publish from 3-5 Poetry Bar works daily, do you want more? Would you like for me to write about the current events, maybe to do story times, do you have some questions for me so we can do a Q&A type post. Tell me all of your wishes down in the comments because, honestly, I need some content ideas and working on this blog has always helped me work through my personal issues.  

I love you all, thank you for being so amazing and so supportive! 

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna 

Categories
Coffee Date

Coffee Date With Luna: Body Insecurities

Hello everyone and welcome to another Coffee Date with Luna! 

I am keeping the theme consistent with the last one and the theme is insecurities. In the last Coffee Date with Luna I decided to open up a bit about my skin and hair insecurities because insecurities are something many of us struggle with.  

One of the top insecurities people face with is linked to their body weight and body shape. We are terrorized by unrealistic beauty standards and it is in the human nature (unfortunately) to compare ourselves to those images, especially in the social media era.   

I am not a doctor, psychologist or any type of expert in the field so I will not be touching the subject of anorexia, mental health issues and obesity since I do not think other than experts should comment on this because people spread a lot of false information and negativity when they talk about things they are not educated on. 

I actually want to talk about my own insecurities about my body, weight, body shape. I struggled with it a lot. I was never overweight and, to be honest, I was underweight as a child because I had some eating issues which followed me up to puberty where I started gaining weight and my body got a certain shape. 

The thing that helped me through these insecurities was – love. It became my answer to everything and in this story it has two sides. 

With extra pounds, my insecurities started to pile on while I was in high school. I would often feel bad about not being thin, I would go on extreme diets and workout plans and developed a binge eating problem. I started to read a lot of books during high school, some of them were self help books, and without noticing the image I had about myself started to change when I got in touch with the concept of self-love. To be honest, I am still getting in touch with this concept every single day of my life. I am still struggling but I came to a point where I would never deprive my body of food or put myself on extreme workout plans I was too weak or unskilled to follow. Working out is great but going to an extreme can cause serious injuries, I should now.  

Self-love isn’t something you wake up with or can keep without making an effort. Self-love is about creating a relationship with yourself and we all know that relationships can be hard. You will have to work on it every single day. Self-love, bodywise, means choosing a healthy lifestyle instead of an extreme diet. It means loving yourself enough to feed your body with good food while not depriving it of some sweet cravings every now and then. You can work out to get abs while loving the chubby stomach you have now. This is a process and it doesn’t happen overnight.  

When you try to change your body while being fueled with hate or insecurities regarding your appearance, it will backfire on your mental health.  

As I got older, I actually became conscious of my body image issues when I started getting into my first serious relationships. My body insecurities messed with my mind and it affected my relationships because I was not comfortable with the idea of someone’s hands on me. That insecurity was not only toxic to me, but to the person I was with as well. During that time, I had accepted my body shape and implemented self-love into my life but I was just starting to realize that it wasn’t the reflection in the mirror I only had a problem with. My insecure mind created this image of how a person, in this case a boyfriend, will see me and my body and it scared me because that image was not very nice in my head.  

This is where the other side of love came to my rescue. A person I wrote many poems about, realized I would become very distant and would “wiggle” out of his hands very fast even when he wanted to only hug me. He actually realized my insecurities, and I will get really real with you now, when he noticed I would get anxious when my bra would be off. I was also insecure about being as flat as a board while everything else about me was chubby and round. I did not enjoy him putting his hand around me because I didn’t want him to feel I don’t have a flat stomach. He would sometimes lift me up while hugging me and I hated it because I thought I was too heavy for him to hold in the air. He felt those insecurities. 

He actually taught me that love will not see that what I see in the mirror. It took some time but he showed to me that love doesn’t judge and doesn’t walk around ready to measure me. Being with the wrong person, a person who judges you and tries to aggressively change you, will only feed into your insecurities. This is a good way of knowing is your relationship toxic or not. I think it is good, actually necessary, for the person who loves you to warn you about unhealthy habits etc., but actually criticizing someone and making them feel bad about themselves is toxic.  

To quote him: To my eyes you are perfect because I see more than your looks. I love every inch of you and that includes more than just skin and a body.  

At the end of the day, love is the answer to everything including our insecurities. You need to learn to love yourself and let others love you as well. Don’t tell yourself that no one will love you the way you are because there’s someone better. To the right person you are the best and you have to be the best for yourself.  

It’s all about love. 

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna