Guys, I don’t know if this is one of our lovely Coffee Dates or me just having the need to vent about a thing I got randomly triggered by even though it does not really concern me. Let’s begin, shall we?
I was bored and did something I only do when I am bored and that’s scrolling through Facebook. I don’t know why facebook is still a thing but anyways…. An article about a woman who ended up in jail because she didn’t pay alimony was there and I had to be stupid enough to go and read the comments. I don’t know why I do this to myself.
I am going to focus on one thing here, one type of comment under this post. So, if we are mentioning alimony you already know that parents are divorced and the kids went to one of the parents – in this case the father.
The comment that just triggered me (and I will try to translate it the best that I can from Croatian) was: “You know how good of a mother she was if the court gave the kids to the father”. There were several comments of this nature under the post. What the fuck is wrong with our society? We have all of this fucking technology, we came to so many new discoveries, built so much but yet we cannot grow out of this patriarchal view of families and family roles.
Let’s just be clear on one thing – in many countries around the world, when parents get divorced the court and social services are more inclined towards giving the kids to the mother. And that bothers me. So when a mom doesn’t get the kids in the divorce then we question what type of a mother that is but when the father does not get the kids, that’s normal. We set the bar for fatherhood that low we don’t even bother to discuss the biased opinions the judiciary system has about family and parenthood; we do not even consider that both parents should have an equal opportunity to get custody of their kids. And that FUCKING BOTHERS ME!
For people who came to my blog for the first time, just know that this is coming from someone who grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father and still I can be objective enough to expect for fathers to be as good as the “mother” stereotype we uphold.
Parenthood should be equality. Both a mother and a father should be able to raise their kid, put clothes on them, cook a meal for them, study with them, put a roof over their head and they both should be held responsible for their child’s well-being. PERIOD! If one parent does not know how to take care of a child in the absence of the other parent, then that person should not have kids. I am sorry to anyone offended by this, but it’s the truth. A child is a responsibility and if you are not ready for it then don’t have a kid. If you expect your spouse to take care of the baby, then you are not ready for the baby.
I don’t like how we applaud fathers for things that should be expected from them like changing the diapers, for example. When a mom does it, it’s just a random thing but when we see a father who is changing diapers, feeding the kid, waking up in the middle of the night when the baby is crying etc., then we often have the need to tell the wife/mom how lucky she is for having such a good husband. Do you see how messed up that is? I know this is not the rule in general but we see this type of behavior often and it got us to the point where we are fine with the system discriminating against fathers when it comes to giving custody over the kids during a divorce.
If we are going to keep the bar this low for fathers and just expect moms to take care of the kid then we do not have a family with a mother and a father – we have a mother and a sperm donor.
I could make a whole separate post about moms just enabling the fathers to feel comfortable with sitting on that low bar society set for them. Also, I could make a whole post to talk about how this toxic mindset has badly influenced parents and kids living in domestic abuse. I am going to speak from my own experience – on more than one occasion the police and the judges and people in general overlooked all of the circumstances in which my family lived, overlooked how many times we had to call the cops, asked for help around my dad and took him to rehabs because of his alcohol addiction because all that could come out of their mouths was “What type of mother keeps her kids in such danger”. It’s always easier to judge than discuss the system that does not protect people in need, in poverty, victims of abuse etc. But that’s a topic for another day.
I am not a mom and maybe this is not a topic I should discuss, but this is my opinion and I am sticking by it. Feel free to let me know what you think about this in the comments down below!
This is off-topic, I would just like to thank you for being around and for showing me a lot of love on my last Coffee Date where I opened up about my struggle with my mental health in the last few weeks. Knowing I still have a safe space here is amazing and makes me feel good. I am currently in the process of getting myself out of this mess and getting better. I hope I will be able to make more posts for you soon and film some YouTube videos (already brainstorming some ideas) because straying away from writing and content creating always puts me in a bad state. Thank you all again, you are amazing, all 6.900+ of you <3
Let me know if there’s a topic you would like to discuss in out next Coffee Date and let me know if you have some video ideas for me – all suggestions are welcome!
Sending love and positive vibes!
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8 thoughts on “Coffee Date: Equality in parenthood”
I share your view on this Luna! 💚
I agree, and I have a spouse who has no knowledge of what went into raising our kids. Our youngest is on the autism spectrum and has Crohns disease and if I were to disappear tomorrow he’d have no idea what to do for him. Fortunately, I have a daughter who would be pushy enough to take over, but as you state, that’s not the point.
Nicely put my dear,
Parenting can be equally challenging for both parents, unfortunately some mother’s and father’s are not … Up to the task let’s say.
Like you said the children should be with whomever can take care of them the best.
I grew up without either parent; a blessing, in truth. Now I have a daughter. She’s three, and her name is Luna 🙂 I have another daughter on the way by a different mother. Luna adores her mother, but her mother has issues of her own. We all do, I know, but hers are numerous and of significant gravity.
Just wanted to say that this post is spot on. In a perfect world, my daughter would have her parents everyday. I had to fight for a long while to have the relationship I do with Luna, and I’d do it all again if I had to. Still, it breaks my heart to see her disappointment when her mom promises to see her and breaks those promises. Maybe because it’s reminiscent of my childhood or maybe because it just hurts to see my Moon hurting. Either way…
Thank you, for your insight.
A loving father.