Put your own oxygen mask

In the past few months my life went from comfortable to everything I thought it will never be. In just a few short months I got my Bachelor’s, got into grad school, dropped out, came home after three years of living alone and became a waitress collecting her tuition fee for a private university. That’s a lot to happen in a few months.

Since the day I started to realize I was unhappy about my life, while I was still at my university, I encountered a big problem I used to struggle with as a kid while my abusive father was living with us. My panic attacks were back. It was overwhelming. It was scary. It was also a big, fucking neon sign that said “GET OUT!”.

In these few months I realized the importance of one very simple sentence everyone heard if they were ever on a plane (I was actually never on a plane). The sentence goes: First put your own oxygen mask.

There is so much meaning in this sentence and I guess I, myself, had to go through a bunch of problems, get my panic attacks again to realize I have chosen to take that oxygen mask off and deprive myself of air for so long. I was completely neglecting myself just to make everyone else happy and maintain a certain image about myself because I thought and was taught all my life that I had to do everything to come off as a well put-together person. I was also taught that a university degree is the only road to success, that other peoples’ opinions matter the most etc. I was force fed a lot of bullshit through my life and I am here to tell you to slap that damn oxygen mask on your face.

Stop suffocating yourself and stop making yourself small in order to fit in with some worthless standards our societies and upbringing have made us follow. If you are not happy with yourself, not only are you hurting yourself but you are hurting the people who care about you. When you are in a bad place in your life for a longer period of time you can’t be the person, child, mother, sister, worker, friend, girlfriend, boyfriend that you actually want to be. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to take care of anyone else or make anyone else happy.

Also, if you sacrifice your happiness and wellbeing to make others happy and satisfied with time you will start to resent them and blame them for your own unhappiness. Let me just get this clear. It’s not their damn fault, it’s yours and you need to own up to your mistakes. It was your choice to sacrifice your mental health to make someone else happy. Don’t drown yourself in sorrow now – TAKE ACTION!

Get yourself out of that dark place, find your oxygen mask and put it on. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary. Make yourself the person you want to be so that you could be the person people you care about need. Put yourself first and, I can’t stress this out enough, that is not selfish. Your happiness and mental health are just as important as everyone else’s and it depends on you.

To repeat again (I feel like a parrot): First, put your own oxygen mask!

Poem #105

You power was to leave me speechless
and I never knew that could happen.
I write about pain and despair, it’s what
keeps my verses flowing but you came
and kissed all those words away.

Is this silence what happiness sounds like?
Winter air, smell of snow in the night,
your arms around me in an empty street.
I guess I need new words to describe this.

Poem #79

I feel like happiness is hidden
right in the depth of the sea
but I am such a lousy swimmer and
I have to dive out every now and then
just to catch some air.

That filthy air suffocates me, the
same air we all consume. It’s pressing
my lungs closer to my spine,
twisting my body in order to make
me fit in with the crowd. Maybe I
feel it killing me because I was meant
to stand out.

I just need that pearl hidden in the
depth of the sea. I need to hold my
breath and be resilient to the pain
to reach the bottom of this.

Poem #52

The beauty is washed away from her
face with every rain. Her years are hitting
the ground like leaves. She doesn’t have
any more springs and the sun isn’t
warming the hills of her body.

He is fading away with each sip from
that bottle. His youth is going away
with every cigarette he holds the way
he held her. His pillows are worn out
because he hugged them at night pretending
they were her.

They are walking a lonely road not realizing
it’s time to put pride to rest and wear out
their legs running back to each other
before the sun sets on the last opportunity
they have left for happiness.

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Soulmates

In the end, being soulmates wasn’t
enough for the universe to let us keep each other.

Our road split, our hearts crumbled,
our words were left stuck on our lips.
It was more important to kiss than
say how unfair life can be.

You will find someone, so will I.
We will settle down, have a fresh start
but in the night we will still feel our
fingers intertwined, your body on mine.
The fresh start will never be able to break
some old, dusty bonds.

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A Chained Wanderlust

A Chained Wanderlust

A million years in the same place and
now I’m packing up my suitcase. I’m leaving
for the world even if the journey is only in my
head. Let me run, let me fly, let me swim but just
don’t let these 4 walls crush my spirit.

The same wall I’ve been staring at for years
started to speak to me. He said that even though
I’ve painted it the writings beneath are still
telling the story of the girl with many dreams.
He’s telling me to get my feet moving because
my life will pass and I will just be staring at it.
He’s telling me to get out of this town before
my heart dies and I get left with nothing to pour
into these lines.

A million years in the same place and
now I’m packing up my suitcase. I’m leaving
for the world even if the journey is only in my
head. Let me run, let me fly, let me swim but just
don’t let these 4 walls crush my spirit.
I have so much more to see, I have so much life
within and I don’t want to be chained to this city.
I’d rather spend the night on the concrete under the
big lights than in the cold hug of my walls.

These walls are telling a story about a girl that wanted
it all but only ended up on the floor every time the
liquor would get her father spinning out of control.
Lately she’s been tilting at windmills and her exhausted
body hit the ground. She’s just staring at the walls now,
not even trying to make a move to brake the chains that
are holding her down. Her enemies are in her head, her mind
is tightening the noose around her neck. Who is she? Just
look in the mirror, she’ll be there.

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Quote

Give yourself perimission to live a big life. Step into who you are meant to be. Stop playing small. You’re meant for great things.

Here’s some morning inspiration for all of you. I’ve been reading some inspirational quotes and listened to some inspirational songs just to get the strenght to sit down and study but it’s not helping. I just need to grab my book, grab some coffee and a kleenex for my tears and get this party started. #iwanttodie

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