Well, it’s safe to assume that many of you have noticed my absence on this blog this year. I took my break at the beginning of the year and I set it to two weeks. When the two weeks passed, I realized that I might need some more time so it became a month. Then it became a habit.
What is hard to face now is that these 6 months of my absence have not been a much-needed break since February. These 6 months are the result of my habit to stand in the way of things that make me happy, push me to be better, get out of my comfort zone. It’s my way of sabotaging myself and wrecking anything that brings me joy.
It’s not a voice in my head yelling that I do not deserve happiness and that good things are not meant for me. I wish it were. This situation is much more sinister and dangerous for me. It’s a part of my own personality, my psyche, something deep inside of me that is still clinging on to despair, anguish and pain as my natural state. If it were a voice, I could be able to silence it but it’s a part of me and I don’t know where it is or how to change it or even cut it out of me.
This entered the danger zone when that part of me managed to keep me away from writing for 6 months. I didn’t publish as much, I barely dedicated any time to journaling or working on my book. What have I been doing for the last 6 months?
I have been running a marathon in the wrong direction. I have been reversing every good habit I built, I cut holes in every safety net I have and then I resorted to my toxic coping mechanisms to deal with what I had done. This is one of the rare moments that I refer to it as “what I had done” because I struggle with seeing this as a part of me, a part of my body because I cannot reconcile with the fact that it is indeed me who is causing all of this. I am my worst enemy.
If I slip up with my diet, miss a workout, take a two week break from my blog, instead of coming back to it and resuming my life in a normal way I decide to run a marathon in the wrong direction. The reasoning is something in the lines of “Well, since I’ve done it once I might as well do it again”
Writing it down, I realize how unreasonable and toxic it is but I know there is still a high chance that I will go back to this same pattern of behavior after I finish writing this.
The part of me that dug me out of the holes I buried myself in over the years has been debilitated this year. How many more holes can I dig myself out of? Soon I will be 26 – Have I reached the point of no return before I even spent 3 decades on Earth? What will happen when my source of power runs out? I guess my life would then be a never-ending comfort zone. I would just hide in the shadows, I would close my notebooks and steer clear of any signs that I once had dreams, aspirations and a belief that I deserve more. It would be a lifetime of anxious mornings and plain surviving. It would be nothing.
It’s dark and scary having to confront this but I guess that the only way to stop running a marathon in the wrong direction is to fall down, get my knees bloody, slow down just enough to realize that the road signs are all the same: “Dead end ahead”
Welcome back. And please don’t go away again.
I might be misreading your post but, ummm just who do you think you’re failing… Your true self?
Methinks you are simply assessing yourself from the wrong quantification methods that will always bring you a toxic results. That’s like using contaminated covid-19 test strips. To break these so called failures, you have to violate preset parameters designed or established by others that you were never built for, in fact, you may have been built to break beyond them to establish new guides if any expectations at all. Don’t let cynical and conforming platitudes steal your freedom to be… you.
From what I know of you through your post, I find you inteligent, honest, open, hard working, caring, and very articulable to a vast group of people. You are far from being a failure my friend. And I still appreciate you and all you do for others… Breathe… then smile again.
“I have been running a marathon in the wrong direction. I have been reversing every good habit I built, I cut holes in every safety net I have and then I resorted to my toxic coping mechanisms to deal with what I had done.” I can really relate to this. Self-sabotage is a real thing and can sneak into our lives slowly and strangle out the things that bring us JOY. I’ve been here and I know that the only way to escape is to hit PAUSE and RESET and focus on Self love and self care. Best wishes on that journey!
Each one of us run the marathon in the wrong direction at some point of time. Its like rebelling against our own self and qualities. I have been there too. The length of the marathon is different for everyone. The best part is awareness of the direction.
I am sure you will change your course as and when needed and figure out as you run the marathon. It never is linear. More power and good luck to you !
I used to think it was amazing that you did so much, and wrote so much about it.. Maybe you overdid it. I wish you a quick return to feeling positive and rested.
Luna, thank you for being vulnerable and opening up about your struggles. It’s hard fighting that part inside us that just wants us to stay safe, locked away in a bubble and not take chances or risks to improve our life and rise above the mess. It’s a constant battle that sometimes feel overwhelming and requires so much effort to fight against. Opening up about it is a great step I think and surrounding yourself with a support system and finding an accountability partner to help keep you on the path can help to. Best of wishes to you.
Your writing is excellent, it’s a shame you have to go again