So I am still in the mood I was when I last posted a life update. Actually, I am not. I am doing much worse. Do you know what a terrible feeling it is when you can feel your mental health deteriorating?
I have been doing okay this year, considering how it could have been. One of the reasons for that is that I stopped watching and reading the news IN MAY! This was the only way I could go through this year without losing my fucking mind. I could write an essay about all of the mental health issues I have that stem from my childhood and growing up in domestic abuse and how that is causing issues for me in this pandemic, but we don’t have all day.
My mother went to visit my grandparents for the first time since the shit hit the fan this year. My grandparents are very old and very ill and we are all aware of the fact that they do not have the health to survive COVID if they catch it. They actually do not have much left and that’s the difficult truth we have been facing as a family and it is hard. I haven’t seen them since December, 2019 because I was scared of bringing COVID to them so I didn’t visit at all this year and I have to live with the fact that there’s a big chance I might never see them again because well… My mom had to tiptoe around the details of her visit to them because she knows how emotional I get and she knows I do not have the mental stability to deal with the thought of losing anyone I am close to but I felt everything I didn’t want to feel in her voice.
I am very emotional, very unstable, very much on the edge. I managed to avoid this happening to me for months but this pandemic caught up with my ass and its playing with my head. I constantly have dreams about my family getting COVID, about my mother being in the hospital. I literally bury my family in my dreams. I had issues with sleeping since I was a little girl and I have very vivid dreams. I feel my dreams as if they are an actual reality. This month, one night I had this horrible dream and I felt as if someone was holding my shoulders and shaking me violently. The next night I called my boyfriend to come and sleep at my place because I was fucking scared of closing my eyes. That is how real my dreams get for me. Let’s not even start with the dreams I have involving my father and his abuse. And now, my dreams are influenced by a disease that could kill people that I love.
I have been waking up for the last week absolutely exhausted, scared, depressed and angry and I am having a really hard time dealing with my own head and all of these negative feelings. The problem is that I don’t have peace in my sleep and I don’t have peace when I am up. My mind is in a state of constant anxiety. I went through these phases before, I know how bad it gets and I am just hoping I will get home to my mother in time because I feel better when I am around her.
Today for lunch I actually made pancakes the way my grandmother used to make them for me when I was a kid because I thought it would make me feel better. It actually made me cry. I plan on getting a bit tipsy tonight all by my fucking self. Maybe I manage to have a good night sleep if I am a bit under the influence.
Venting here makes me feel better because I have a hard time talking about this to anyone. And if anyone who knows me reads this and asks me about it, I will successfully avoid the topic because I am good at that and I don’t know how to explain all of this well. My mind just plays a very cruel game on me.
I also like venting here because I feel that there are a lot of people who go through this and are scared to say it out loud or they think they are alone or are ashamed of struggling with such issues. Well you are not alone. I am very calm, collected, productive and have my shit together. But today, I almost overslept my shift and I work from home, I cried because of pancakes, its 3PM and I still didn’t wash my face and I plan on getting tipsy tonight all by my damn self. Also, today I deadass went to pick up a package from the courier in my pajama without a bra on and without having washed my face prior. It’s okay to struggle, feel like shit and there’s no shame in it.
And today was supposed to be a good day for me. My camera equipment came (the mentioned situation with the courier) and I was excited about starting to film vlogs for my YT channel and creating better content and I was looking forward to it so much and now I don’t know if I will have the strength to get out of bed tomorrow and do anything mildly productive. And I am learning how to be okay with that and how to be okay with being in bed in a pandemic where the world is yelling at me that I need to use this time locked up to grow and learn a new fucking skill. Here I am learning how to not be okay and be okay with that.
This post was a fucking mess because this is what my brain is right now. I don’t know if I say this enough, but thank you all for being here.
The sun will shine again and I will find a way to control my mind again. And so will you.