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Being on the edge

So I am still in the mood I was when I last posted a life update. Actually, I am not. I am doing much worse. Do you know what a terrible feeling it is when you can feel your mental health deteriorating?  

I have been doing okay this year, considering how it could have been. One of the reasons for that is that I stopped watching and reading the news IN MAY! This was the only way I could go through this year without losing my fucking mind. I could write an essay about all of the mental health issues I have that stem from my childhood and growing up in domestic abuse and how that is causing issues for me in this pandemic, but we don’t have all day. 

My mother went to visit my grandparents for the first time since the shit hit the fan this year. My grandparents are very old and very ill and we are all aware of the fact that they do not have the health to survive COVID if they catch it. They actually do not have much left and that’s the difficult truth we have been facing as a family and it is hard. I haven’t seen them since December, 2019 because I was scared of bringing COVID to them so I didn’t visit at all this year and I have to live with the fact that there’s a big chance I might never see them again because well… My mom had to tiptoe around the details of her visit to them because she knows how emotional I get and she knows I do not have the mental stability to deal with the thought of losing anyone I am close to but I felt everything I didn’t want to feel in her voice.  

I am very emotional, very unstable, very much on the edge. I managed to avoid this happening to me for months but this pandemic caught up with my ass and its playing with my head. I constantly have dreams about my family getting COVID, about my mother being in the hospital. I literally bury my family in my dreams. I had issues with sleeping since I was a little girl and I have very vivid dreams. I feel my dreams as if they are an actual reality. This month, one night I had this horrible dream and I felt as if someone was holding my shoulders and shaking me violently. The next night I called my boyfriend to come and sleep at my place because I was fucking scared of closing my eyes. That is how real my dreams get for me. Let’s not even start with the dreams I have involving my father and his abuse. And now, my dreams are influenced by a disease that could kill people that I love.  

 I have been waking up for the last week absolutely exhausted, scared, depressed and angry and I am having a really hard time dealing with my own head and all of these negative feelings. The problem is that I don’t have peace in my sleep and I don’t have peace when I am up. My mind is in a state of constant anxiety. I went through these phases before, I know how bad it gets and I am just hoping I will get home to my mother in time because I feel better when I am around her.  

Today for lunch I actually made pancakes the way my grandmother used to make them for me when I was a kid because I thought it would make me feel better. It actually made me cry. I plan on getting a bit tipsy tonight all by my fucking self. Maybe I manage to have a good night sleep if I am a bit under the influence.  

Venting here makes me feel better because I have a hard time talking about this to anyone. And if anyone who knows me reads this and asks me about it, I will successfully avoid the topic because I am good at that and I don’t know how to explain all of this well. My mind just plays a very cruel game on me.  

I also like venting here because I feel that there are a lot of people who go through this and are scared to say it out loud or they think they are alone or are ashamed of struggling with such issues. Well you are not alone. I am very calm, collected, productive and have my shit together. But today, I almost overslept my shift and I work from home, I cried because of pancakes, its 3PM and I still didn’t wash my face and I plan on getting tipsy tonight all by my damn self. Also, today I deadass went to pick up a package from the courier in my pajama without a bra on and without having washed my face prior.  It’s okay to struggle, feel like shit and there’s no shame in it.  

And today was supposed to be a good day for me. My camera equipment came (the mentioned situation with the courier) and I was excited about starting to film vlogs for my YT channel and creating better content and I was looking forward to it so much and now I don’t know if I will have the strength to get out of bed tomorrow and do anything mildly productive. And I am learning how to be okay with that and how to be okay with being in bed in a pandemic where the world is yelling at me that I need to use this time locked up to grow and learn a new fucking skill. Here I am learning how to not be okay and be okay with that.  

This post was a fucking mess because this is what my brain is right now. I don’t know if I say this enough, but thank you all for being here. 

The sun will shine again and I will find a way to control my mind again. And so will you.  

Latest Poem: Poem #346
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Flowers in the Garden 
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back

13 replies on “Being on the edge”

Luna, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve had depression for over 26 years. It’s been HELL the last 12 years, and the last two I’m not sure how I stayed out of a hospital (been twice, third time I refused to go back).

My depression is better. So I’m technically functioning better. I had a problem with misdiagnosis and over medication that caused SERIOUS problems due to CPTSD and low blood sugar. I was raging, combative, argumentative – at work – and I was a cashier! Lmao!! I think it’s funny now. Only because it was SO out of character for me, and everyone kept saying “you just need to….” “why can’t you just…?” Seriously? If I could JUST fix the fact that I’m behaving like a narcissistic, injured, aggressive, toxic, witch, ya think MAYBE I would? I fixed it. I QUIT and tapered down 200 mg on my meds. No more NASTY me.

Now I feel like the bottom is sinking. I’ve been holding myself together for YEARS, going through the motions, not really living, but surviving. I can feel it. It’s all there, wanting to explode out of me. I can’t let it. If I do….. I’ll totally lose it. There’s WAY too much in me. I have to let it out slowly. Pieces at a time.

I’ve been holding it in this long. I’ll figure out a way to keep doing it. I REALLY need my dad. Part of the reason I’m doing so bad is he was my major support and we lost him in January of 2019. So I’m learning to support myself. Thank God I’m strong enough to do it, and I still have my mom. She’s not Dad, but she helps a lot. Dad was my special person. I’ve had issues feeling like I “don’t belong here” or I’m an alien since I was a kid and he always made me feel loved and safe. Mom, too, but I connected more with Dad cuz he was so emotionally open.

I have/had great parents. My CPTSD and depression is all about bad relationships with men. Abuse. Narcissism. Emotional immaturity on both of us. Me not having a clue how to deal with men – naive, gullible. It’s Asperger’s. I just need someone to diagnosis it now that I know it has a label. After 26 damn YEARS and no one ever mentioning it. I figured out I was misdiagnosed TWICE and the Asperger’s. AND the CPTSD!! Which I’m in trauma therapy for now!!

Trauma therapy is helpful. The therapy I’m in is called WRAP therapy. It’s a 5 month plan. Maybe it could help you? I’m not sure if you’ve been to therapy…. I’ve been in and out for years. This is different. I’m working with a peer counselor. That means she’s lived through what I am dealing with. Then she was trained to counsel people like me. That’s what I want to do. Peer counseling.

Sorry for the long post. I have lots to vent. I hope you get to feeling better, Luna. Do what you need to do. This “new normal” is hard for all of us. I hope having Biden in office soon will help assuage some of our anxiety. I’m not comfortable with either one of them, but Biden seems more more empathetic and prepared to lead.

Take care of you.
Love, light, and blessings to you. 💖🙏

Been there done that.

The trick is to deliberately reprogram the mind and choose to behave in the opposite manner of how you think.

It takes a lot of hard work and patience but pays off handsomely in the end.

I’m also very sorry for making it harder on you. I wish you the best of luck and hope you get through this unscathed.

Luna be calmer. You have full support of many followers. My father, my grandparents died sick in front of me. I pray for their souls to rest in peace. There was no Covid-19 at the time, and no one was trying to profit from their suffering. Now the shares of vaccine companies are rising at the expense of the calm and nerves of the people. Sending love!

People keep your nerves. You are worth more than any wealth.

What a fucking world

love freedom initiative
Is not equal to
quarantine isolation vaccine
what a fucking world
of benefactors in sheepskins
death is small punishment for you
eternal fire will heat up
your sinful souls
and you will become ashes
so that no trace of you remains

This year has not been kind to anyone. I have a blog and a podcast, The Bipolar Writer blog and The Bipolar Writer Podcast. I would love to feature you in an interview through Zoom where you can tell your story and share all of what you do. The podcast is new, but I have a decent blog. My name is James.

Good that you use your blog to let of steam. I wish there was anything I could write to make it better. Just know that there are people out there thinking of you. Hope you feel the positive vibes.

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