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My life

I am doing better

Good morning and happy Monday!

I am doing better. Thank you all for the support and for the kind comments and messages after my complete meltdown. It really meant a lot to me. The past week has been scary for me because I don’t know how to manage my head and my thoughts sometimes and my mind takes over and I spiral. There were some pretty dark moments, but your girl is doing better. I have three days more of work and then I have some time off which will be useful to me to celebrate the holidays as best as I can in these circumstances and to recharge my batteries.  

I am trying to enter this week and I will try to enter 2021 with a positive attitude because shit already hit the fan this year and I’ve proven to myself I have the capacity to deal with this. Minor issues such as my meltdown are a part of the process for me and I am glad that I am once more showing myself I have the strength to pull myself up and that I am not letting anxiety and negativity to eat me up alive.  

This has been challenging for everyone and the holidays will be challenging as well because this is when loneliness and sadness about not being able to see our family will creep up. I know that people refer to this as a “new normal” and I refuse to use that term. This is something we need to survive and then we can go back to normal. I think that our normal will be more appreciated after this fiasco of a year and that all of us should gain more respect for other people and for nature. If we don’t learn something from 2020, I don’t know what to think. 

I would also like to let you know that the camera equipment I bought has been put to use! I can’t wait to start posting on Youtube, very excited about this. I love having a project, something to focus my mind on.  

Anyways that’s it from me today. I hope you are all doing well, thank you for being so supportive. 

Let me know, what have you been up to this weekend, how was your week and all of that fun stuff! 

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna 

Latest Poem: Poem #346
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Flowers in the Garden 
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back

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My life

Being on the edge

So I am still in the mood I was when I last posted a life update. Actually, I am not. I am doing much worse. Do you know what a terrible feeling it is when you can feel your mental health deteriorating?  

I have been doing okay this year, considering how it could have been. One of the reasons for that is that I stopped watching and reading the news IN MAY! This was the only way I could go through this year without losing my fucking mind. I could write an essay about all of the mental health issues I have that stem from my childhood and growing up in domestic abuse and how that is causing issues for me in this pandemic, but we don’t have all day. 

My mother went to visit my grandparents for the first time since the shit hit the fan this year. My grandparents are very old and very ill and we are all aware of the fact that they do not have the health to survive COVID if they catch it. They actually do not have much left and that’s the difficult truth we have been facing as a family and it is hard. I haven’t seen them since December, 2019 because I was scared of bringing COVID to them so I didn’t visit at all this year and I have to live with the fact that there’s a big chance I might never see them again because well… My mom had to tiptoe around the details of her visit to them because she knows how emotional I get and she knows I do not have the mental stability to deal with the thought of losing anyone I am close to but I felt everything I didn’t want to feel in her voice.  

I am very emotional, very unstable, very much on the edge. I managed to avoid this happening to me for months but this pandemic caught up with my ass and its playing with my head. I constantly have dreams about my family getting COVID, about my mother being in the hospital. I literally bury my family in my dreams. I had issues with sleeping since I was a little girl and I have very vivid dreams. I feel my dreams as if they are an actual reality. This month, one night I had this horrible dream and I felt as if someone was holding my shoulders and shaking me violently. The next night I called my boyfriend to come and sleep at my place because I was fucking scared of closing my eyes. That is how real my dreams get for me. Let’s not even start with the dreams I have involving my father and his abuse. And now, my dreams are influenced by a disease that could kill people that I love.  

 I have been waking up for the last week absolutely exhausted, scared, depressed and angry and I am having a really hard time dealing with my own head and all of these negative feelings. The problem is that I don’t have peace in my sleep and I don’t have peace when I am up. My mind is in a state of constant anxiety. I went through these phases before, I know how bad it gets and I am just hoping I will get home to my mother in time because I feel better when I am around her.  

Today for lunch I actually made pancakes the way my grandmother used to make them for me when I was a kid because I thought it would make me feel better. It actually made me cry. I plan on getting a bit tipsy tonight all by my fucking self. Maybe I manage to have a good night sleep if I am a bit under the influence.  

Venting here makes me feel better because I have a hard time talking about this to anyone. And if anyone who knows me reads this and asks me about it, I will successfully avoid the topic because I am good at that and I don’t know how to explain all of this well. My mind just plays a very cruel game on me.  

I also like venting here because I feel that there are a lot of people who go through this and are scared to say it out loud or they think they are alone or are ashamed of struggling with such issues. Well you are not alone. I am very calm, collected, productive and have my shit together. But today, I almost overslept my shift and I work from home, I cried because of pancakes, its 3PM and I still didn’t wash my face and I plan on getting tipsy tonight all by my damn self. Also, today I deadass went to pick up a package from the courier in my pajama without a bra on and without having washed my face prior.  It’s okay to struggle, feel like shit and there’s no shame in it.  

And today was supposed to be a good day for me. My camera equipment came (the mentioned situation with the courier) and I was excited about starting to film vlogs for my YT channel and creating better content and I was looking forward to it so much and now I don’t know if I will have the strength to get out of bed tomorrow and do anything mildly productive. And I am learning how to be okay with that and how to be okay with being in bed in a pandemic where the world is yelling at me that I need to use this time locked up to grow and learn a new fucking skill. Here I am learning how to not be okay and be okay with that.  

This post was a fucking mess because this is what my brain is right now. I don’t know if I say this enough, but thank you all for being here. 

The sun will shine again and I will find a way to control my mind again. And so will you.  

Latest Poem: Poem #346
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Flowers in the Garden 
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back

Categories
My life

I went back to school!

Kind of. You can define your own school. So if you’re into Youtube and watching Youtubers you probably heard about Skillshare. I am in love and I am back to being a student.

I love the range of classes you can take on Skillshare and it’s not all that expensive. To be honest, I used a Youtubers code to get a free trial but I do not plan on cancelling my subscription at all. I have classes on cooking, making YT videos (you know I am getting into that), digital marketing, videography etc. I already have my boards created for different topics. I am in love with Skillshare.

After dropping out of grad school, I stopped learning in this way. You know, having a notebook in front and investigating a topic, writing down notes, highlighting stuff. I never knew how much I missed being a student. I would not change my decision of dropping out and entering the labor market full time but I did miss studying. What’s amazing about this is that I can actually decide what I want to learn and for how long. For all of you thinking that this is sponsored, it’s not. Who would sponsor me?

I really like Skillshare so I wanted to let you all know about it in case you have some free time and wish to learn a new skill and go back to school with me. I just finished two courses on SEO that helped me understand SEO more than an actual seminar I paid a bunch of money for (if you remember I got certified in digital marketing a year ago).

Also, have been learning about Italian cuisine there. I love pasta, I love Italian food and pasta is life so I have also been enjoying the course from a chef breaking down basic Italian recipes so even cooking dummies like me can do it well.

Since I am spending Advent away from my family because of some shit, I miss the Christmas spirit and I went out and bought myself some cheap Christmas decorations to have in my room. Guys, I also have my first plant, bought it a few days ago and it’s still alive. #adult

After my shift is done today I have to do something that I know is going to be annoying. Due to the rising number of cases in Croatia, starting on Saturday the stores will have severe restrictions on how many people can enter which means that we are going back to lines in front of grocery stores. My mom already mentioned that some stores started early with this so I have to go today and buy as much as I can carry and need so I don’t have to do any type of shopping during next week. I am so tempted to buy my groceries online, but I eat a lot of fruit and veggies and I want to see what I am getting and I want to see the labels on the food I am buying because I am trying to eat less processed foods and I am also trying to eat food that didn’t travel to the store across 15 different countries aka I am trying to eat mostly plants, meat and other foods that are Croatia-made. It sounds ridiculous but we are in a pandemic and my digestion was always my problem which had terrible consequences on my immune system so I am trying my best to stay as healthy as possible, follow the social distancing guidelines and everything else.

Wow, I just wanted to let you know I started studying again and here I am ranting about my diet. Anyways, that is it for me today. Just want to mention quickly that I am sorry if anyone was affected, annoyed or triggered by the negativity and gender-based hate comments on my yesterday’s post for #savingme. I want this to be a safe space for you and I felt like I had to defend you and my opinion to preserve this platform I am trying so hard to create and it ended up with even more hate comments which was not my intention. I just wanted to say that and now I am really going.

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna
Latest Poem: Poem #345
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Flowers in the Garden 
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back

Categories
My life

Are you wearing your mask?

Hello everyone!

Are you wearing your mask?

They got a bit expensive here in Croatia. I went to buy some more yesterday and was a bit shocked with the price. I think I have to get some cloth masks ASAP. And yes, I was coming home from work when I took this picture and I know it’s visible how tired I am.

So there are certain floods here in Zagreb because of the heavy rain and I am not surprised. There’s a pandemic and we’ve had an earthquake and now there are floods. 2020.

And I am working today and I have to figure out if I can actually get to my job.

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna

Categories
My life

Croatian Karen

Hello everyone and welcome to an episode of me being heated. 

I have spent the day stuck with my laptop working on editing my  vacation vlog and actually learning how to edit a vlog and I postponed going to the store. In the evening I decided to go to the store to pick up some stuff I need and to take a walk because I have been staring at the screen for hours.  

It became mandatory to wear a mask in stores and I always have them in my bag. So I grab the things I need and go the checkout counter. There were three people in front of me and a few behind me and only one checkout counter was working. This is a common thing in this particular store. They have about 5 checkout counters and mostly only one actually works.  

The guy working at the checkout counter is obviously new or is a student working part time. He had a woman complaining about something, wanting to speak about it to someone and she was nagging him while he was charging a man for his purchase and then the Croatian Karen behind me opened her entitled mouth.  

She asked the guy working there if he could call another employee to open a second checkout counter so that we wouldn’t have to wait in line and I agreed. In this situation, it’s not ideal for people to stand in line at the store. He had to call someone about the woman complaining about the product and when the Croatia Karen realized that the second employee wasn’t there to open a checkout counter but to attend to the other client she went off.  

“We want you to open another checkout counter. What is this, open another checkout counter!!!!” 

And then she addressed him in a very rude manner. Let’s say she said something like “Hello boy, can you hear me”. I wanted to punch her so badly. I just wanted to punch her. Everyone was standing in line, waiting calmly and she was there being entitled as fuck. Everyone feels uncomfortable wearing a mask and no one wants to stand in line but shit happens. No one forced you to come to that store. If it was uncomfortable for her to wear a mask she could’ve stopped and asked herself how uncomfortable did the workers feel having to wear them for 8 hours. It is a problem to have people standing in line waiting in a store but it’s also the workers who are there for 8 hours dealing with customers and are at a bigger risk of getting the virus than a person that comes, buys and exits.  

People, I wanted to punch her and it took control and a lot of inner self talk to prevent myself from telling her to shut up. Luckily, another coworker came and opened a checkout counter and I don’t think it’s necessary to mention that all of the customers moved so that she could go to the checkout first.  

Karen didn’t even exit the store properly, she was already taking off the mask. The only thing more Karen than this is Karens not wearing masks at all. 

Anyways, I bought myself some chocolate as well so I am happier now and not heated anymore. 

 Sending love and positive vibes 

Luna