My life

This book is calling me out.

Hello everyone!

There was a book that was recommended to me in the comments of my post I am not doing okay…again. I started reading this book recently and I came to a chapter about lost connections with people and felt personally attacked by this book, here’s a quote from the book:

Anywhere in the world where people describe being lonely, they will also— throughout their sleep —experience more of something called “micro-awakenings.” These are small moments you won’t recall when you wake up, but in which you rise a little from your slumber. All other social animals do the same thing when they’re isolated too. The best theory is that you don’t feel safe going to sleep when you’re lonely, because early humans literally weren’t safe if they were sleeping apart from the tribe.

I still feel attacked by this book because… it’s making me face my own problems. I do this “micro-awakening”. It sounds like something spiritual, positive but it’s obviously not. I was told, through my life by people who slept next to me, that I do stuff like this but I never googled it and I never wanted to learn more about it. I was just convinced that it was a consequence of my nightmares I’ve suffered with ever since I was very young. Well… guess not.

I have an almost non-existent group of people who are close to me and it wasn’t always like that. During me teen years, I was an extrovert. I had a big group of friends, I was very social, went out, was into partying for a while, I always had someone to talk to, grab a cup of coffee with etc. The me you know today and the me from a few years ago are not the same person. I always thought I became an introvert as I grew older but deep down even I know that’s not the case. I like people, I love talking for hours with someone but there’s something stopping me from doing that in the last few years. I honestly cannot name an event(s) in my life that made me close the door, alienate myself from my friends and convince myself I am supposed to do it all on my own.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy solitude but to an extent. In the last few years, I have been having an abundance of it.

I know pretty much when this shift happened for me and it was about 5 and a half years ago. That was the time I started writing this blog. It’s funny to me to see how I closed up from the world but at the same time I was so scared of being alone that I built a whole online community to escape that awful feeling of loneliness. It’s interesting and kind of sad at the same time.

One thing I know for sure is that I am not the only one. More and more people are able to be more open online, behind a keyboard then they are face to face with other human beings. The internet can give us the feeling of belonging to a community but at the end of the day, as we can see in this pandemic, nothing will ever substitute human interaction.

I know that my insecurities had a role to play in this. I haven’t struggled so much with insecurities when I was younger but with time I became very unhappy and developed this fear that people just don’t like me or have a bad opinion about me which made it exponentially harder for me to meet new people and let anyone near me. Being aware of the fact that I have years of issues to unpack to get to the bottom of things, makes me scared and makes me want to pretend like everything is just okay. Like this is all natural. Like everyone feels unhappy with their own life and drowns themselves in projects every two weeks to try an conquer a feeling of emptiness. You all do that, right?!

This book is really eye-opening for me. I went through the chapters about disconnection from meaningful work and people and felt attacked in both chapters because they were just speaking strongly to me. The remaining ones are disconnection from values, childhood trauma, respect, natural world, hopeful or secure future and I can see myself feeling attacked in 3 of those but I will keep on reading and I highly recommend you do to! Oh yes, the book is called “Lost Connections” by Johann Hari!

That’s it for me, I have to get back to filming now. While I am not reading this book and opening my own wounds, I am filming my new Youtube video and that’s pretty much my Saturday summed up. What have you been up to?

Sending love and positive vibes,

Latest Poem: Poem #362
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Justifying Rape Culture Make You an Accomplice
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: All that Sugar

My life

Come have a cup of coffee with me

Hello everyone! 

I hope you are having a lovely weekend! I know I’ve been off the grid but I am just trying to deal with everything and I decided to not abandon my blog and publishing schedule this time so my youtube video is here, just two days late. 

I will just give you some nature and have a cup of coffee with you and talk about random stuff and everything that’s been going on lately. Grab yourself a cup of coffee, tea, a beer or anything else and give me your opinions in the comments as always! 

The video is here for you:

Make sure to subscribe and like and all of that. Thank you for being so full of love and support in my up-an-downs lately.  

Sending love and positive vibes, 

Latest Poem: Poem #362
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: I lied to you *kinda*

My life

I am not doing okay…again

I feel like my life updates on this blog are currently: I am okay / I am getting depressed. That’s it. I think I need therapy.

So yes, I have been consistently working on myself, eating better, working out, reading, meditating and then something just happened. But nothing actually happened. Like my body and mind are just fighting against the good decisions I am trying to make for myself. It’s like I am inviting chaos in my life and I cannot control it.

It all started on Sunday. I was just so damn emotional and sad and lonely. I got up on Monday at 6 as I do to do my workout before my job starts and I barely made it through. I felt itchy the whole day. I couldn’t sit still but I also didn’t want to move. But there was this uncomfortable energy inside of me.

And then I broke my clean eating and all of my good habits by binge eating. That was the alarm. That’s when I was like: January is about to repeat itself. Shit.

I barely made it out of bed this morning. I stayed in bed longer which is usually a sign for me that I am either ill or just not doing well. I was fighting with my craving for nicotine. I drank my coffee and the only think I could think about were cigarettes. I felt so bad. I had to have an internal talk with myself about how far I came without cigarettes and that it’s an unhealthy habit that is not easy to break and that I shouldn’t go back.

And then I sat down and decided to write because pretending I am fine and pretending like this is just a small issue is not going to work for me anymore. Putting stuff in writing means that I admit they are real. That’s why I write about my feelings and insecurities and problems and everything. Otherwise, I don’t consider it real and do not deal with it.

So yes, it’s important for me to let the world know that I am in a grey area. I am doing my best to not go to the dark area of my mind and to spiral again as I did at the beginning of the year. Getting better is a journey and I have to be honest with myself about the good and bad times of it.

All advice, book recommendations and other forms of help are welcome. This is a step forward, I am saying that I need help but I am also well aware that I need to first know how to and do everything to help myself.

I am sorry if you find my posts about being depressed or cooking boring but that’s what my life is currently and that’s okay.

This is also a reminder for you to check in on yourself and check in on your friends and family because someone might seem very happy and okay but they are going through hell in their head.

Sending love and positive vibes,

Latest Poem: Poem #360
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Manipulating the Public Attention
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back
Life updates: Productive Sunday

My life

Being on the edge

So I am still in the mood I was when I last posted a life update. Actually, I am not. I am doing much worse. Do you know what a terrible feeling it is when you can feel your mental health deteriorating?  

I have been doing okay this year, considering how it could have been. One of the reasons for that is that I stopped watching and reading the news IN MAY! This was the only way I could go through this year without losing my fucking mind. I could write an essay about all of the mental health issues I have that stem from my childhood and growing up in domestic abuse and how that is causing issues for me in this pandemic, but we don’t have all day. 

My mother went to visit my grandparents for the first time since the shit hit the fan this year. My grandparents are very old and very ill and we are all aware of the fact that they do not have the health to survive COVID if they catch it. They actually do not have much left and that’s the difficult truth we have been facing as a family and it is hard. I haven’t seen them since December, 2019 because I was scared of bringing COVID to them so I didn’t visit at all this year and I have to live with the fact that there’s a big chance I might never see them again because well… My mom had to tiptoe around the details of her visit to them because she knows how emotional I get and she knows I do not have the mental stability to deal with the thought of losing anyone I am close to but I felt everything I didn’t want to feel in her voice.  

I am very emotional, very unstable, very much on the edge. I managed to avoid this happening to me for months but this pandemic caught up with my ass and its playing with my head. I constantly have dreams about my family getting COVID, about my mother being in the hospital. I literally bury my family in my dreams. I had issues with sleeping since I was a little girl and I have very vivid dreams. I feel my dreams as if they are an actual reality. This month, one night I had this horrible dream and I felt as if someone was holding my shoulders and shaking me violently. The next night I called my boyfriend to come and sleep at my place because I was fucking scared of closing my eyes. That is how real my dreams get for me. Let’s not even start with the dreams I have involving my father and his abuse. And now, my dreams are influenced by a disease that could kill people that I love.  

 I have been waking up for the last week absolutely exhausted, scared, depressed and angry and I am having a really hard time dealing with my own head and all of these negative feelings. The problem is that I don’t have peace in my sleep and I don’t have peace when I am up. My mind is in a state of constant anxiety. I went through these phases before, I know how bad it gets and I am just hoping I will get home to my mother in time because I feel better when I am around her.  

Today for lunch I actually made pancakes the way my grandmother used to make them for me when I was a kid because I thought it would make me feel better. It actually made me cry. I plan on getting a bit tipsy tonight all by my fucking self. Maybe I manage to have a good night sleep if I am a bit under the influence.  

Venting here makes me feel better because I have a hard time talking about this to anyone. And if anyone who knows me reads this and asks me about it, I will successfully avoid the topic because I am good at that and I don’t know how to explain all of this well. My mind just plays a very cruel game on me.  

I also like venting here because I feel that there are a lot of people who go through this and are scared to say it out loud or they think they are alone or are ashamed of struggling with such issues. Well you are not alone. I am very calm, collected, productive and have my shit together. But today, I almost overslept my shift and I work from home, I cried because of pancakes, its 3PM and I still didn’t wash my face and I plan on getting tipsy tonight all by my damn self. Also, today I deadass went to pick up a package from the courier in my pajama without a bra on and without having washed my face prior.  It’s okay to struggle, feel like shit and there’s no shame in it.  

And today was supposed to be a good day for me. My camera equipment came (the mentioned situation with the courier) and I was excited about starting to film vlogs for my YT channel and creating better content and I was looking forward to it so much and now I don’t know if I will have the strength to get out of bed tomorrow and do anything mildly productive. And I am learning how to be okay with that and how to be okay with being in bed in a pandemic where the world is yelling at me that I need to use this time locked up to grow and learn a new fucking skill. Here I am learning how to not be okay and be okay with that.  

This post was a fucking mess because this is what my brain is right now. I don’t know if I say this enough, but thank you all for being here. 

The sun will shine again and I will find a way to control my mind again. And so will you.  

Latest Poem: Poem #346
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Flowers in the Garden 
Latest #savingme: Give Women Their Rage Back

Coffee Date

Self-doubt and lack of motivation

As you maybe have noticed from the latest posts I’m not feeling so cheerful and happy. I’ve been actually feeling awful the past few weeks. We all have some periods in which we don’t feel confident and we doubt ourselves so I just decided to gather enough courage to actually write about it.

I have been suffocating in work and studying for the last few months and I experienced some emotional hardship in my private life. All of this really wore me out and the problem is I can’t take a breather, you know, take some time for myself to relax because I live a life in which I can’t stop. I don’t know if you can relate to this. I don’t have a very good financial situation so I have to work and that’s hard for me because I have to attend almost all my lectures. Just to explain a little bit, if I miss too many lectures of a certain class I lose the possibility to take the exam at the end of that class which obligates me to pay to listen to that class again and prolongs my studies for another year which I can’t afford. So, there are no breaks for me and I feel like no matter how much I work that it’s never enough and that I’m stuck in one place, not making any progress at all.

I am always extremely nervous and think I forgot something. Even when I’m resting for an hour before going to bed or after lunch I feel like I should be doing something, like I don’t deserve to just relax, have a cup of tea in silence, watch a TV show or something like that. Besides this, I’ve been having extreme doubts about the career I’ve chosen. I’m studying languages, Spanish and Italian, and no matter how much I enjoy this I can’t help myself but wonder if this is the right way to learn them. I’m really trying to stay positive and grateful that I have the opportunity to study what I love, but I’m so suffocated by the things I have to go through to get my diploma that I started doubting what I love and I started to hate it in a way. I can’t really explain this well. My exams are starting in two weeks and I just can’t find an ounce of strength or motivation to start preparing for them.

All of these problems in my let’s call it professional life combined with some problems and losses I’ve experienced in my personal life are punching me in the face every day for the last few weeks. I’ve entered a state of constant tiredness and, what’s worst of all, numbness. What’s very scary for me is that this state of mind reflected on my health. Things just don’t make me happy like they used to and I don’t really feel motivated. I reread some of my old poems, like for example Fight, and I just got to thinking where did my motivation go and I got scared that I won’t be able to get out of this dark place.

So, this is pretty much what’s been going on lately and I hope I wasn’t too boring in this post. If you can relate or are experiencing something similar I would be very happy if you would contact me on my e-mail or DM me on my Instagram so that we could maybe share our experiences and be each other’s support. I know that I will do my best to gather courage to get out of this mess and I will definitely update you on my progress. If you have any advice or just want to share something, leave me a comment below.

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