It’s my birthday today, I turned 26!
Something I know I’ve mentioned before on my blog is that birthdays give me a bit of anxiety because I struggle with confidence and always on my birthday I feel like I am just growing old without accomplishing anything meaningful or important. Since my 22nd birthday, it was never a cheerful event for me but more like a reminder that time is passing by and I haven’t fulfilled my goals.. This year it’s a bit different.
The fact that it is different, is pretty unexpected for me especially because this year I took a long break from writing, my blog, my youtube channel and I thought that this would wreck me on my birthday but it didn’t and let me tell you why.
I started therapy. I finally took that step, pushed that limit I had and decided to find help. It was very difficult to find a therapist because a lot of them were booked which was no surprise after Covid, two earthquakes, a flood etc., but I found a different way and two weeks ago I had my first session.
I only had two sessions, but it had an effect already because I started talking about everything. My biggest problem is that I never talk about what bothers me and I never open up to anyone about my past, my father, my childhood trauma. I kind of lived with it and carried it with me in silence. I was already looking for a therapist this year and was slowly giving up because everyone said they are not taking in new patients, but my body pushed back against me giving up.
Three weeks ago I suffered a major panic attack which landed me in the ER. I even fainted. It isn’t the first one I had, but it was the strongest. Unfortunately, I was in public (in a bar), but fortunately I wasn’t alone because my boyfriend and his friend were with me. God knows what would’ve happened had I been alone. The whole experience was absolutely terrifying but it pushed me forward to continue searching for a therapist. I also had some standard blood tests done and it seems that my thyroid is not doing well. I still have a few checkups to do, but hopefully it will be a false alarm.
So I ended up in therapy and the first session was cathartic for me. I did start crying and I was so nervous about going that my boyfriend had to chaperone me to the building and then he sat outside waiting for me. I wasn’t even aware of how much was inside of me until I started talking and I am not giving up this time.
I am still struggling with my intrusive, negative thoughts about growing older and everything but it isn’t as bad as it was because the accomplishment I am celebrating is that I was able to admit I needed help. I carried all of this pain, suffering, trauma with me and had I not done this, it would’ve crushed me eventually.
So cheers to my 26 years on Earth, the journey I embarked on and all that lies ahead of me!
Thank you all for still coming to my blog and engaging even thought I haven’t been around much. It means the world to me!