I had an interesting revelation last week in therapy. Yes, I will be one of those people who will start a conversation with “You know what my therapist told me last week?”
At the beginning of the session, we did a meditation (because my therapist is cool like that) and after that we discussed a point I brought up in my previous session about 2022 being a complete failure of a year for me. We are trying to work through my self-criticism and I am learning how to go easy on myself.
I had to write a list and it was divided into three sections which were creativity, personal life and health/spiritual life. Funny enough, I criticized myself for not moving forward with my career or getting my certificate, but it wasn’t on the list. It wasn’t even on my mind. I think I just focused on my career to keep my mind away from what was really bothering me and that was my loss of creativity.
This is the reason why it was so hard for me to come back to my blog. It was a reminder that my writing, my creativity was just lost. It felt like my well of inspiration was just dry and my life felt empty because of it. Losing my ability to write is like losing a limb for me. It is a very real pain that I have been carrying around for 9 months.
My first thought was that my life became so monotonous that I just had nothing to write about. Then my mind jumped to the conclusion that I actually don’t view my own life through that creative lens or that I am unable to find beauty or express pain in my unique way.
In order to stop my overthinking, we dedicated ourselves to the rest of the list and this is where the interesting revelation came. Through the talking and writing I actually linked my loss of creativity with my loss of femininity.
Before, when I wasn’t going through a 9-month long writers block, I didn’t even realize that my femininity had anything to do with my creativity. For me, it was two different worlds. Being a woman and feeling as such was something that I was and writing was something that I did.
When I talk about loss of femininity, I am not talking about the fact that I am not wearing makeup, dressing up etc. Those things are a physical manifestation of what is going on inside of me. Somewhere along the way, in the last 6 years I spent in my identity crisis, I started to feel like less of a woman and as that part of me faded away, my creative energy went with it.
I was so focused on figuring my life out as soon as possible that I didn’t realize that I started to put limits on my own soul. I believed I was pretty resilient, but those outside forces telling me how I should look, dress, eat, walk, talk, live, work got to me. I was no longer the individual I was before I got into my 20is. My life was performative. I was on a stage performing some role but I never fit in with all those rules and regulations placed upon women. In trying to achieve the coveted societal definition of femininity, I lost my own sense of it and lost my creativity.
All of the sudden, my struggle to overcome the writer’s block was no longer about reading more, having new experiences etc. It started to be the need to completely rediscover myself, rebuild my spiritual life, find my feeling of femininity, rebuild my confidence.
I am trying to find what was lost and build something new. Something that will again feel mine. Something beautiful.
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