I took a giant step in my writing career last month when I finally published Little Rebellion and the way this messed me up mentally is still on my mind. It got me to thinking about art, creativity and the ways in which I identify myself with the work I put out.
When I first started writing the book, I believed it would end up like all the others – unfinished, just a draft and forgotten. The more I kept going, the more the story evolved, I got attached to my own characters and I made a promise to myself that I would finish this one. Not for someone else, not for the approval of anyone, but for me. Just to let myself know I can do this.
It took a long time but I managed to do it and in the middle of the process I decided that, if I am already going to finish it, I might as well put it out into the world. The closer I got to the finish line, the more my mind began to overthink everything.
The book could’ve been done last year but I constantly postponed finishing it by rewriting the chapters and re-reading the book a million times. It wasn’t that I am a perfectionist or that I was obsessed with getting positive reviews. The problem was that little question that tormented me.
Who am I if this book fails?
I started writing at a very young age, I was around 5 when I learned how to read and write and writing is the only thing that stuck with me throughout my whole life. I remember how I would imagine my own little worlds where I could escape when things got really bad at home. It was my safe space and I had complete control over what my mind could build for me.
I used to sit on the floor, next to this table we had in the bedroom and just write and write and write in my notebooks until my arms got tired. I had some breaks in my life from writing, but I always came up with new stories or I would catch myself daydreaming and coming up with plot twists and new characters in my head.
The dream was born that I want to be an author but the world quickly shut that down because how am I supposed to make a living from it? I need to get serious and get a real career and be an adult. So I did that and I have a real career and a big-girl job and I pay my bills but my dream is still with me.
And then the first book came. I saw Little Rebellion as my own rebellion against the norm I bowed before but in doing so, I started questioning myself. It was only supposed to be a way of me proving to myself that I can finish a book, I even started a whole series from it but I delayed it out of fear. This book quickly became the measurement of every single piece of creative output I produced, my self worth and my worth as an aspiring author.
Because who am I if this book fails? Why should it be successful when there are so many talented authors out there with better work? Why do I believe my book has any worth or that it’s even good? Why do I think I am good at this?
The question list goes on and on and on and it never fucking stops. I started blaming myself for what my mind was doing to me because I believed that I set this standard for myself and that it was me who dreamed to big and projected all these expectations on to the book.
Then I started to think that it was my fault that I didn’t work hard enough, put in more hours to work on the novel, tried to come up with ways to market the book or at least get a publisher. I came to a point where I just wanted to close the blog, pull my books down from Amazon and let go of this part of me.
I went to a very dark place and that was when I put out Identity Crisis. I went through all of my poems that I wrote while I was going through my personal hell in my early twenties and I tried to learn from my past experiences but the only thing I came across was the fact that I am back there again. I am back to self-doubt, criticism and borderline internal hatred because I feel like I failed myself.
I was walking the thin line between standing firmly on the ground and falling into my old coping mechanisms. I did start to smoke again because I needed something to calm down my nerves and then I felt guilty because I was so weak that I turned back to my old vice.
I don’t know how this book went from “Do it to prove to yourself you can” to “Well, if this book fails, so do you”.
And the question remains. Who am I if this doesn’t work out? Will I ever be happy not fulfilling this dream I have? Will I ever find joy and happiness in anything if I have to let go of the thing that lived inside of me since I learned how to read and write? Why did I let it go this far?
I don’t really have answers. I don’t have a positive way of ending this post. I don’t know why I turned Little Rebellion into the end-all be-all of my own existence but I think that writing this post about it and recognizing that I am struggling with this is step one towards resolving it.
You can expect more posts like this from me soon, I am sorry if I am killing your mood. What I honestly want to know is, have any of you gone through something similar? It doesn’t have to be linked to writing or other arts, just in general did you ever have this feeling where everything in your life depends on the success of one thing?
Well, I hope you didn’t, but if you did I would love to hear your story down in the comments or if you’d like you can reach out to me on Instagram @luna.theblog.
Love you all,
Luna
Don’t forget that my first novel is available on Amazon: Little Rebellion
Also you can get my poetry books: Rehab and Identity crisis
Check out my latest video:
Congratulations
The book is already a success, because it has been published. Congratulations.
Thank you!
You’re welcome.
I think most creative people have an instinctive urge for everyone to like them and their work, in any part of their life. This tends to sit hand-in-hand with a potentially crippling perfectionism.
I know the above well 🙂. What I’ve learned in recent years is to stop thinking about others when in the creative process. If you focus on your enjoyment of the creative process and write something for you, it has an incredibly positive impact on what you write as the shackles are off and you have a sense of freedom. You’ll end up with a piece of work that is true to you and the enjoyment shows itself in the writing – which people will see and feel within your work. Write for you and your enjoyment, and the rest will work itself out – that’s my mantra these days 🙂
Thank you, that’s very good advice. I think it’s hard for everyone when their work is public because, even when you do it for yourself, there’s a part of you that still wants recognition from others. It’s a very thin line we walk.
Absolutely. It’s a challenge to suppress an emotion that is so instinctive to us. By sharing something so personal we are making ourselves vulnerable – but that also shows incredible strength 🙂
I originally wrote poems for myself, then thought that others might be feeling the same way, but without the words to describe their feelings, so I decided to publish them.
Sharing was the difficult part, but positive comments made me realize it was the correct decision.
Some writing is meant to released into the world.
I agree, that’s why I started to publish. I just wanted to share my own experience and when someone relates to it, at least we all know we aren’t alone in going through some things.
And we are the poets and writers for those who cannot or think they can’t.
Dig it. “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right”
I think my reluctance to publish is due to having very similar fears that i prefer not to face head on.
I am still struggling with myself, even though I hit that publish button, and my advice to you is to just do it despite the fear. Art is meant to be shared!
I went through this very recently with my last job, which had absolutely zero to do with art or writing. I had my sights set on a specific position, and it became essentially the sole focus of my life, at the expense of everything else. Needless to say, I did not get the position, fell into a depression, and pushed myself even harder to try and prove to everyone why I should have gotten it. Long story short, I ended up burned out physically and mentally, barely eating or sleeping, made some mistakes, and lost my job.
Right then and there, I realized that hanging your self worth on any one thing is not worth it. If you tried your best and are proud of your work, then you need nothing else. Screw the reviewers, the sales, etc. You already won, because you did what you set out to do.
Thank you! I hope you recovered from it and that you are doing better now. A similar thing happened to me with university and when I realized I have to drop out because it wasn’t for me anymore, it was so difficult to come to terms with it because I tied my whole life to getting a degree. I still dropped out and no regrets today!
I would say I am in the midst of the recovery process 😄
Honestly, though, I am good. The short term loss will be a long term gain, especially for my health and sanity. Every day away from the old things, I feel better and better.
But, tying yourself to any one thing is rarely healthy. Enjoy the journey and have fun with it is my motto now. 😎
Just remember you are doing it for you.
At a time in life when I was having trouble separating my own intrinsic value from that of my product ~ poetry ~ I read a book by Ganga-Ji, titled “You Are That.” For clarity in the direction you’re seeking it, I highly recommend this book.
Recommendation put on my to-read list!
👌
Also I hear you about the world shutting your dreams down. You are way ahead of me in accomplishing those against all odds. Congratulations to you!
Who am I if it fails? It depends on how you are measuring the success or failure. You said you were doing it to prove it to yourself and you did, so it is a success. We cannot control how the world reacts, but we can change the way we think about something g and I know it is not easy!
This is exactly what my therapist told me 😅
Bunch od congratulations 🎉
I like the freedom of multiple blogs, and multiple pseudonyms. There’s a freedom in writing to an audience of zero, and having the ones who trickle in be strangers. I struggle with similar identity challenges, correlating my product and productivity with my self esteem. Of late, I love to reassure myself with several ideas: “success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal”, “personal growth is exponential not linear”, and “intrinsically valuable goals don’t have end points, allowing for the perpetual pursuit of them as a worthy ideal I will never attain.” I see art this way. I can “compare myself to myself yesterday”, and do that forever. I can grow to become a better writer every day. I want to strengthen my courage to fail!! I want to learn and grow, to become more effective at achieving my dreams!! I love art, and want to give a hoot what others think about my creations…not just for basic self esteem, but also for my ability to be humble. Even when I know my art is rad, I want to maintain the perspective that other people’s opinions (even their compliments) are none of my business….Unless they have something to add to my process in the form of constructive criticism, I dig that. Stay insatiably hungry and accept that dissatisfaction is the default setting of our brains. My dissatisfaction motivates me to find a better blueberry, a sweeter muffin, a tastier combination of words; that provide a mouthfeel like nachos. My dissatisfaction is a developing taste experience, due to my exposure to the better things in life. Embrace the suck!!! Fail faster! Let go! I will never be as capable of art in any form from singing, to sculpture, to cooking in the way I aspire to be creative…..that’s the point! People love people who fail! There’s little more charming than falling on your face, and getting back up ready to try again! The Mayans have a tradition of intentionally putting an imperfect stitch into a weaving, to celebrate/acknowledge imperfection. I dig that, so here’s mine for this comment: ghtradfrlgrrrhoploopdrqyuiop! lol
I also have a favorite quote, I actually bought a poster size paper, wrote down the quote and taped it opposite my “writing spot”. It goes: One of the most wicked destructive forces, psychologically speaking, is unused creative power … If someone has a creative gift and out of laziness, or for some other reason, doesn’t use it, the psychic energy turns to sheer poison. That’s why we often diagnose neuroses and psychotic diseases as not-lived higher possibilities.
Dig it. Fits the idea that many mental health challenges are rooted in the ease of modern life(untapped potential to transcend challenges/improve circumstances leading to weakened purpose and meaning). Or the simple joy of being consumed by focus, instead of distracted by entertainment.
Congratulations 🎊 👏 💐
Congrats on publishing all three books! Luna, I think it’s important to set your goals and manage your expectations of human behavior while NOT attaching your success or failure to whether people buy the book or not. It’s never too late to start a marketing campaign. My first book sold about 300 copies, but I’m learning to leverage what I have in my hand. Also, I started blogging again today as I write my second book. Keep your head up—you’re a published author!
We are waiting for your book in this library:
https://travelinyourownway.com/2023/03/23/in-this-human-library-in-denmark-you-can-borrow-a-person-rather-than-a-book/
Congratulations to you!! 🥂