Poem #339

You are a gift that keeps on giving.
Giving light, love, poems and heart.

Even after you were gone, I was pulling
the ribbons, uncovering new dimensions to our story.

You left a love that lingers, touch that’s
forever present and a soul filled with desire.
For that I still write, for that I still hug my pillow at night
for that I look for someone to burn with me the way you have.

For you, because of us, I still believe in love.

 

Coffee Date with Luna: Recognize Your Patterns

Hello everyone and welcome to another Coffee Date with Luna!

Ever since I dropped out of grad school, I have been experiencing a sort of a life crisis. Sometimes it’s okay, sometimes it hits me like a wave and I am a terrible swimmer. One of the things I have learned in this time is that the only way to grow and get the fuck out of this is to review my past actions, what decisions led up to this and how to take accountability for my actions and make better choices in the future. Trust me, I do not have this figured out yet, but baby steps are still steps forward.

One of the decisions I had to review is the type of people I let into my life, especially when it came to romantic relationships. Using the word romantic linked to the toxic relationships I actually had is very amusing to me. I had the attachments, the infatuations, the beliefs I found love and that love will conquer all and now I am here 24 years old and still do not know shit about love. But I do love to write about it.

When I look back and review my relationships, there are patterns I can recognize. I would either get into a relationship that would seem great but it would end abruptly because something was missing, I didn’t feel like the person I was with had any genuine feelings about me, like they didn’t care about me. The second pattern is rushing into relationships that I knew deep down would never work and then being crushed. As if I was looking for this amazing love that would survive the obstacles and thrive. And people, I thrived in one of those relationships that ended up with me crying and smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. It wasn’t just the relationship that was toxic. The consequences echoed in my life for years and when I look back, I cannot help but ask myself: Why do I hate myself so much?

I refuse to take all of the blame for my failed relationships, but I can recognize where I went wrong. I didn’t leave people because they didn’t love me the way I need to be loved, but because I didn’t love myself. I projected my problems and my insecurities on to them. I wanted them to give me the love and attention I never gave myself. I was looking for someone who would care about me because I didn’t care about myself.

I started relationships and became infatuated with men who were bad for me because I didn’t feel like I was worthy or love. I humiliated myself to the point where I accepted crumbs off someone’s table and called it love. This is getting very hard to write but it’s something I have to face in order to be better and do better for myself.

I decided to share with you my relationship issues because you have these patterns too and maybe they just came into your mind. Writing them down, acknowledging these patterns will not solve them but it’s a start of a very long and prosperous journey. You cannot solve your problems in one night, in one post, in facing the truth but you can solve them with consistent work and by being honest with yourself always.

It’s hard. It’s fucking hard. It took me 3 weeks to sit down and write this because it’s not easy to admit that I hurt myself with my past relationships just because I didn’t love myself enough to seek what I deserve, what we all deserve which is love and respect and happiness. Do I love myself now? No. It’s a process but I won’t speed it up by not doing anything about it so, as always, I am sharing my truth here. I hope my little encounter with honesty will help you in your journey.

This is all I can take for this post, it’s hard to write about this when I don’t have my feelings sorted out but I am working on it. This is one of those baby steps.

As always let me know in the comments below your thoughts, what would you want to read about next and let me know how are you doing?

I love you all!

Sending love and positive vibes,

Luna

 

Poem #332

There was nothing. Not even a spark.
When you kissed me, it felt like you were
kissing someone else. I couldn’t feel your hands.
There was no love, just the need to avoid loneliness.
It was like we were drinking from an empty cup
and wondered why we felt thirst.

Poem #327

We were more toxic than this
cigarette between my fingers
Like a good addict I am still
looking for those eyes
that loved to undress me.

My mind is silenced.
My heart is twisted.
I wonder is it human to crave
poison while I lie awake,
a bit drunk with smoke in my lungs
waiting for you to come back.

Poem #326

We aren’t of those who want
to conquer the world.
We would build one ourselves.
But what is that good for if
we are playing the hurting game?

Who is going to let his trauma
win over love first?
Which one is going to self-destruct
and turn us into dust?

You need to know how to read
minds to know what I am saying.
I need to threaten to leave
to get an ounce of your attention.

Maybe it isn’t our fault we
are too messed up to love?

Poem #324

You don’t even know I was raised in a world
where showing weakness gets you killed
which is why you are still surprised I am
unable to let you inside.

You hit me up after midnight when
I am already drowned in my nightmares.
You come and go like waves and let me
fall deeper into my denial.

I need to know you are here
to stop my mind from terrorizing me.
But even when you slam the door when you leave
you won’t hear me say: Stay.

I will just hide in my shell.

Poem #261

I recognized you in a crowd of people.
I felt your presence on that street during rush hour.
Without a sound, without a warning
memories creeped up on my mind.
I turned my head in your direction and whispered
to myself “I once loved that man”.

Poem #259

Don’t fight for the one who doesn’t know
how to keep your heart safe.
The time wasted on his selfish needs is a time
you will never bring back.
The only way to mend your soul again is to
give yourself the love he’s been stealing for himself.
Leave him behind, his attention is overrated anyway.

Poem #253

I know you’re scared but let me show you the way.
I have done this more than once, trust every word I say.
You need to fake it in public, so they do not ask questions.
Behind closed doors you can sink your face into my shirt
but don’t call, don’t text, don’t deepen the wound.

The wound will heal, there will only be a scar.
You will step out of my dark into her light.
I will find another, promise myself it will last
only to wake up with a bitter taste in my mouth
reminding me that love wasn’t made for everyone.

I will proceed to show him the steps of this hobby of mine,
this hobby I turned into my craft,
this art of being good at saying goodbye.
All of you will be happy in life and
made eternal in the poetry I write.

Written by: Luna