Categories
Coffee Date

Find your indicators

We hear from life coaches and Instagram quotes that we need to identify our triggers to avoid negative and harmful behavior and situations. I do believe that’s true but there’s also something else we need to identify. Our indicators.

We live in a world where pain and struggle are being praised for no apparent reason. If you have eye bags, finish your 5th cup of coffee by 10 in the morning, always have troubled relationships you somehow feel validated in this world and I can say that I am also one to blame for this type of behavior because I do have eye bags, drink a gallon of coffee in the morning and go into one shipwreck of a relationship to the next.

Also, we became very detached from our emotional state and feelings. We just deal with negative feelings by ignoring them. We all live using the famous line “That’s just how it is”, “It’s no big deal” etc.

It’s not how it is and it is a big fucking deal.

We often ignore the notion of being in a negative, unhealthy situation just because we got used to it. We got used to feeling crappy, tired, exhausted, unmotivated… We became very mechanical in day to day life and forgot how to live and that’s why we need to find the indicators and patterns that help us realized that we are in a bad situation.

My personal indicators are smoking and writing. People who are close to me know that I have the tendency to obsessively smoke when something bad is happening to me. I tried breaking this awful habit several times but after two, three weeks, maybe even two months of not smoking something stressful happens and I just find myself buying cigarettes and looking like a chimney. As for my writing, when I put down something on paper I always read the whole thing in the end and I can sense the tone in which I wrote it and that is a strong indicator of the way I’m feeling.

Indicators are something like behavior patterns and you need to find them. When you catch yourself doing those things, repeating those patterns find the reason why and try to problem solve with logic the situation in which you are in. Indicators are mostly bad habits like smoking, drinking, binge eating etc.

I know it’s sometimes painful and hard to just get in touch with your emotions, with yourself and admitting that you are in a bad state but it’s necessary in order for you to pull yourself up and get stronger.

I hope this all made sense because I struggled with describing all of this and just find the words. Let me know in the comments what do you think and what are your indicators.

Categories
Poems

Poem #220

You couldn’t match everything
I brought to the table.
I decided to eat alone instead of
eating a full plate of empty promises
in bad company.

Categories
The Positivity Press

Positivity Press #36

This motivational quote was send to us be Ena Whiteraven.

The Whiteraven Net (author page) : https://wordpress.com/view/whiteravennet.wordpress.com
Superlative Deviation (personal blog) : https://wordpress.com/view/superlativedeviation.home.blog

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If you want to share positivity here at The Positivity Press send in your positive news with pics and the link to your blog (if you want) to postpositivity@gmail.com

Categories
Coffee Date

You are not an excuse – making machine

You are not an excuse – making machine. God, I wish someone had told me this sooner because for the last 22 years, I’ve been an excuse – making machine. When people would wrong me, treat me bad I would make the excuses for them. If a guy played me, lied to me or if a friend cut me out of their life I would just make an excuse for them in the lines of “He/She is going through a lot now”, “The job is stressing him/her out”, “I know he cares, he’s just too scared to show it”. Damn, I really am a writer. Always making stuff up, explaining, elaborating, making everything poetic.  I need to put an end to this and so do you. Yes, you.

Making excuses for someone’s behavior is stupid, selfish and harmful all at the same time. This is especially noticeable in relationships so I will take them as examples to explain my point better. Let’s start with why this is harmful behavior. If you constantly make excuses for someone, it means that you are constantly ignoring all of the red flags in a relationship and you will end up hurt in the end. We all ignore red flags because we want to believe that the person we met is great but what we are doing is not. You need to be objective. If you feel like someone is ghosting you, ignoring you and only calling you when they are bored or horny then don’t make an excuse for them. They are not busy, they don’t have a lot on their plate, the little attention they give you isn’t anything special – see them for who they are. Not interested in you.

Now, why making excuses for others is stupid. Because it just is. You are actually giving a free pass to someone who is obviously telling you lies, neglecting you, playing with your feelings. You are literally making it easy for her/him to hurt you and that’s just stupid. It’s hard when you like someone, or even when you’re in love with someone, to admit that the person doesn’t want you. It’s hard to stop inventing fairytales about the person we like and admit they are not who we believe them to be. I honestly think that people fall in love more with the people they imagine in their heads than the real people standing in front of them. I think that the best way to stop making excuses for someone is to stop reading too much into the situation. You got dressed up, ready to go and meet him/her for a night out and they cancel with some lame excuse such as my head hurts or suddenly they have a family emergency. I’m not saying stuff like this has to be false but if it’s happening repetitively then it’s probably lies. You need to accept they are not being honest, don’t answer their messages and just try to let go before you fall in too deep.

And my favorite one. Making excuses for others is selfish. You probably think I am not really normal to write this since making excuses for other’s is literally handing someone an excuse so they would continue doing their thing, you are actually doing them a favor but that’s just what we see on the surface. The underlying issue of it is that you can’t accept the truth because it would hurt you so you make those excuses for him/her in order to make yourself feel better and to feel loved by someone. Just to feel that someone actually cares. This is harmful behavior and to be honest, I am guilty of this. Often, when I would feel alone or when I would get attached to someone I would become a victim of this type of behavior and it’s incredibly difficult to break this cycle. We all have the need to have someone around and then it’s just hard to accept that the person we thought was around well… isn’t. Probably never was. The time you spend making excuses for someone, spend doing something that will make you feel better. Turn off the movie in your head, stop replaying everything that happened, stop asking questions you will not get an answer to and go and run, workout, meditate, read a book, get blackout drunk (but give your phone to someone first). Do something other than digging your own grave.

If you feel like I just stabbed you and started twisting the knife inside of you, don’t worry I feel the same because all of this that I’m writing I need to start applying to myself so maybe, possibly I will be strong enough to take better care of myself. No matter how weird it sounds, sometimes taking care of oneself is the hardest thing to do so we indulge in behaviors as making excuses for others, becoming extremely depended on other people, getting attached to quickly to others, neglecting our own needs to constantly cater to others so that they would like us etc. I could go on forever but we’ll leave those subjects for other posts. Just stay strong and work on loving yourself more.

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna

Categories
Coffee Date

How do we make ourselves unhappy?

I’m going through a lot lately and I started writing a post about it but I think it will take me a while to write it but in the process I started thinking about the way we make ourselves miserable. It’s hard to admit to ourselves that our actions and thoughts make us unhappy because we always accuse somebody else of being the reason for our misery.

We are so determined to make our lives work out the way we plan that we completely ignore the concept of change being a good thing. We have our eyes set on the prize and we don’t know how to enjoy the competition for it. Let’s imagine life like a car ride. You can stay on the road in your little car always but you will forget what’s it like to use your own legs to take you places. If you don’t venture outside your world you’ll never experience new things or maybe find a new dream for yourself. Let go of the steering wheel and let adventure consume your life.

Most of the negativity in our life comes right out of our mouths. It’s like we try to make ourselves feel bad. I can’t do this, I can’t go there, I’m fat, I’m ugly etc. Stop kicking yourself down. Each and every one of us has a great potential inside and we crush it by holding ourselves back. Stop saying it’s impossible, stop saying you aren’t good enough and STOP GIVING UP ON THINGS YOU HAVEN’T TRIED! Let positivity enter your mind and you’ll see how much happier you’ll be.

Tomorrow. The incredible land where all our dreams, hopes, aspirations and beginnings exist. We’ll do everything tomorrow. That tomorrow should turn into now. You want a good grade? Open that book now. Want to lose weight? Start eating healthier now. You want that promotion? Start fighting for it now. You want to save your relationship? Talk to your partner now. Tomorrow is the future and you control it by your actions that are supposed to happen now!

Technology and development made it possible for us to acquire anything in a matter of seconds and, you maybe don’t believe it, but that speed and availability of everything is making us unhappy. We forgot that things take time. We forgot how to work for something because we expect everything to just be given to us. Get your lazy ass off of that couch and do something that isn’t bitching about not having what you want. If we don’t reach our goals in a matter of days we tend to lost faith and give up. Stop doing that, have patience and remind yourself that the harder you work for it the more it will pay off.

This is something that we all have in common and it’s called comparing. Not only do we make ourselves miserable by doing it but we can also become extremely depressed because of it. As soon as we see somebody having it better that us we start feeling deprived and get depressed. Stop comparing yourself to others because you’re not them. You don’t live their life. You are an individual and you should build your life by becoming better than the person you were yesterday not by becoming better than somebody else. Powerful people know how to appreciate their success and they don’t have the need to compare it to other to get validation that they are better. Remember that!

And lastly we make ourselves unhappy by not appreciating our mistakes the same way we appreciate our success. Mistakes are the only life lessons because no books can teach us what our mistakes can and we remember nothing like the things we did wrong so it is necessary for you to learn how to process it in a healthy way. If you made a mistake it doesn’t mean you have to sit down and cry about it. You should actually try to find a new approach to a problem, get creative and get more determined to make things work just to prove yourself that you can do it. Mistakes are lessons, not failures.

Hope I inspired at least one person to change something to become happier. Remember that you are your biggest project in life and you should never give up on yourself!

Categories
The Positivity Press

Positivity Press #31

Hello guys!

A while ago I saw on Sophia Amoruso’s IG story the book I’m fine and other lies by Whitney Cummings and I had the desire to read it for the longest time. Finally, two days ago I started and I can tell you that I am really sorry about not starting sooner.

This is my type of book right next to The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I have only read a few chapters and already I’ve been having epiphanies about my life, the way I treat people, why I do it etc., and all while laughing like an idiot. I spent yesterday in Zagreb, almost the whole day, and on every possible break I had I would read the book and at one point I had to cover my mouth and try to look normal so that people wouldn’t think I am some kind of a weirdo, sitting alone, drinking coffee and laughing her ass off.

Anyways that’s it for me for the Positivity Press, I just really wanted to share this book with all of you. I hope you will also send something positive that has happened to you lately here on Luna! All the info for that are a bit lower in this post.

Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna

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If you want to share positivity here at The Positivity Press send in your positive news with pics and the link to your blog (if you want) to postpositivity@gmail.com

Categories
#savingme

Dealing with Trauma Flashback – repost

Certain smells, spaces, situations or people tend to bring up bad feelings we thought we had forgotten about. Most people who went through abuse deal with this problem on the regular basis especially if they just left the toxic relationship or moved away from the abusive parent who left them with a serious trauma.

These bad feelings and flashback can manifest in different ways. Some of the ones I experienced myself are running out of air, losing my touch with reality, feeling like I can’t move, paralyzing shivers up and down my spine, excessive sweating, stuttering etc. One of the worse things I still deal with are my nightmares that happen on a regular basis. The problem with these flashbacks isn’t only that they make you live through your pain again but they can put you in serious danger. If you are in a situation where you could get hurt but your mind has a flashback and paralyzes your body you are in an even bigger danger because you can’t defend yourself.

In my 22 years of life I have been abused physically for roughly eleven years but the psychological abuse continued despite my father not being around because my mind was still trapped and going over everything I experienced as a child. I learned to control it a little bit but there are still certain triggers that give me flashbacks. Some of them are being in the presence of a man who reeks of alcohol, someone putting their hands near my throat…

With time I started to use my breathing to cope with these flashbacks and to calm myself when I wake up from a nightmare. Whenever we get agitated our breathing changes, so in order to ease your mind you need to get back to your normal breathing pattern. Try to even out your inhales and your exhales. Breathe in for 3 second and breathe out for three seconds. It’s that simple and it helps you center your mind. You just need to focus on your breath, on the sensation of air entering and exiting your body. As soon as you get your inhales and exhales evened out you will notice a slight release in your body. Your muscles will get relaxed, your mind will get clear and that pressure on your chest will slowly fade away.

This isn’t something you can accomplish perfectly in one take. It took me years of even reminding myself to breathe when I start having flashbacks and panicking. The other thing that helps a lot is meditation. I think it isn’t even necessary to state all the positive sides of mediation because you already know most of them.

When you get flashback and feel paralyzed, you have the feeling like the abuser is still controlling you. He or she is not doing it, you mind is! You need to become aware of the power your mind has over you and you need to develop techniques to calm it down and to rise above what your mind tells your body to feel.

Remember: Transform pain into strength and you will be invincible.

Categories
The Positivity Press

Positivity Press #30

And what brings more positivity than our nature, flowers and so, so many colors?

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If you want to share positivity here at The Positivity Press send in your positive news with pics and the link to your blog (if you want) to postpositivity@gmail.com

Categories
#savingme

Should I Forgive my Abuser – Repost

Today I decided to do one of my longer posts in which I share my opinions on the subject of abuse, especially domestic abuse. I’ve written about it in some of my posts and I shared pieces of my domestic abuse story on this blog. One of my goals in life is actually to find a way to help abused women and children and to also open people’s eyes about what is abuse and how to fight it properly.

It’s always hard for me to write about this subject because I’m still on my journey of dealing with my past and my experience with domestic abuse so I don’t post that often about it. For those of you who are new to this blog or maybe haven’t read my posts about it, just to sum up – I was abused by my father. He got mentally ill during the war, got PTSD, became an alcoholic and suffered from an identity disorder. The abuse went on for roughly eleven years and he ended up in jail and is currently in a facility where he is being taken care of.

Now that you all are up to speed, let’s get on with today’s subject – Should you forgive your abuser? The answer to this is yes. You should forgive everyone who has done you harm but this situation is particularly difficult because abuse leaves a lot of scars on our soul and our body. I, myself, suffer from nightmares related to the years of abuse despite being already 22 years old and despite not seeing my father for years. An experience such as this one just has a tendency to stick with us forever and, even though you might not see it, this is not a bad thing.

The reason why it’s hard to forgive our abusers is because they rarely say they are sorry. Most of them are oblivious of their actions and consequences of their actions and believe they haven’t done anything wrong so it’s hard to think about forgiveness when you haven’t even heard the word “Sorry” coming out of their mouths. The reason why you need to forgive them is your inner peace. That’s the goal of coping with abuse. You need to find the strength to forgive someone who might not even be sorry just for the sake of preserving and healing your soul and mind.

I will write on my own example. To this day I still have many bad feelings relating to my father but I found a way to be already halfway done with forgiving him for everything he has done. I used to say to myself that he is ill and that deep down he does feel sorry about his actions, but it was hard for me to believe it when I would get flashbacks of him beating up my mother or me escaping through the window of my house because he threatened to kill me. As time passed by I realized that I have to be the bigger person or I will never be able to escape my past. Every now and then I pray for him. That’s right, I pray for the man, for my own father who abused me just because I have grown enough to realize that he doesn’t perceive reality in a way that I do. I also realized that he probably denies everything he has done because it’s a defense mechanism. On some level his mind is blocking the horrible acts he has committed to protect him from facing himself. I began to forgive him so that I could find peace and put my past to rest. On some strange level I found some positive sides to what he has put me through. I don’t want you to think I’m weird for doing it, I promise I will explain everything in a different post.

By wishing the best for him, hoping that the universe will give him the strength to face himself one day and see all of the things he has done wrong I began to discover serenity. You need to rise above the situation in order to move on and you can’t do that without forgiving the person that abused you. If you forgive them, you will first benefit yourself and after the hell you’ve been through you deserve it.

Holding on to abuse and hating the person that did it to you can only lead to further problems in your life. You could develop serious trust issues or become unable to establish a healthy love relationship with someone (I know I have my troubles with this). Step back, take your time and discover within you what it is that you need to do in order to forgive your abuser. Don’t think about him or her, don’t think about anyone else except yourself. This is actually where one of my favorite quotes applies: First, put your own oxygen mask. This sentence just resonates on so many different levels, despite it being a warning on a safety video on planes. Give yourself air, fix yourself, heal yourself and without noticing it you will forgive the person that did you wrong and it will be the most liberating experience of your life.

Categories
The Positivity Press

Positivity Press #29

Hello everyone!

I realized we haven’t posted much lately in The Positivity Press so I decided to do a post today. This week my positive story doesn’t have such a nice beginning. It actually starts by me getting really disappointed in someone. I got attached to a certain person and then all of the sudden it was just gone. I was angry, furious at everyone, including myself. And then I just took a deep breath last night and told myself that there’s a reason.

No matter what happens, what situation gets twisted around, who do we lose – it’s just making place for something else, something better. The rough period is something we all have to go through every now and then but we need to let go of the rage and the desire to desperately trying to find answers. We need to turn that “Why” into a red carpet for the better that’s coming to us in life. What’s meant for you will find its way to you and nothing can stop it. Just trust yourself more, trust your gut feeling and always keep in mind that difficult situations are just sent to us to get stronger and strive for more. It’s kind of the universe’s way to say “Nah, bigger”.

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If you want to share positivity here at The Positivity Press send in your positive news with pics and the link to your blog (if you want) to postpositivity@gmail.com