Small changes

Hello everyone! 

I hope you are all having a lovely Saturday. I started my day bright and early at 7 in the morning. This is kind of my fixed time of waking up and more than a week ago, I started snoozing my alarm. I would get out of bed at around 7:55 in the end and had to immediately get up and turn on my work laptop because I mostly work from 8. I also had to force myself to workout, I was getting these urges to binge eat and also my brain decided to spam me with the thought that I should start smoking again.  

This pattern is all to familiar to me. This used to happen to me whenever I would start entering one of mine weeks-long episode of anxiety, depression and not getting out of bed. When I noticed that I was either falling or on the edge of falling back into my old, bad habits, I decided to write about it in my journal and think it through before it takes over me. 

I know that this was initiated by the fact that the last couple of weeks have been hard for me with my mom’s health issues coming back and family members getting covid. This is one of the rare occasions when that my bad mental health state was not completely orchestrated in my mind, there were outside events that I couldn’t influence or try to shut out or write out as I usually do.  

One thing was for sure, I was not ready to go through the hell of my episodes again. Step one, no more snoozing of my alarm. Have I been successful? Not always, but there’s a big difference in getting out of bed at 7:15 and getting out of bed at 7:55. Today it was 7, even though it’s the weekend and I do not have to get up early.  

I stuck to my workout schedule, I refused to open food delivery apps to prevent myself from binge eating. That also didn’t always work out so great but being aware of what I was doing instead of just spiraling gave me a sense of control I never had before.  

I started implementing small changes into my daily routine. For example, I usually get up, make my bed, get dressed, wash my face and teeth, eat breakfast and spend some time in front of my laptop in the morning. But what if I disrupted my morning routine by adding a 5-minute stretch routine to it? Small changes add up. 

I usually spend my evenings watching something or reading. What if instead of watching something, I work on my book in the evening when I am already in front of the screen? I journal in the evening, but I also started writing my thoughts and intentions for the day in the morning before I meditate.  

If I am taking care of my mind, I have to take care of my space as well so this weekend I am cleaning, doing a lot of scrubby dubby all over my apartment.  

Basically, I am not giving up on my damn self. I’ve done it one too many times and if I fail and fall into one of my bad habits, I will pick myself up, forgive myself and do better for myself next time.  

I know that if I force myself to be completely okay, fake it ‘till I make it that it will make a negative impact of my mind, make it all too much and I will completely fail so small steps for the win. Small changes that will add up in the end.  

Love, 
Luna