Poem #332 – Purge

You wake up with nausea and dizziness 
but not with the will to wake up.
Go through the day not feeling like yourself,
you are selling your soul to the devil and that
devil is the world you are trapped in.
At night, before bed, you are in the shower for hours. 

You are trying to purge the sin from your body with water
as if you just stepped out of a Bible while in reality
you have been questioning the existence of God
for years now. You turn the water off, your body is burning
but for a moment there you feel clean. 
You promise yourself that in the morning it will be better. 

You wake up with nausea and dizziness 
but not with the will to wake up.
You are already late so you do not have time to
have a shower to see if the magic works in the morning as well.
You slap on a smile to avoid the questions, not realizing
this fakeness is eating away at your soul. 

The poet inside of you invites you to write the feelings down,
he whispers in your ear that they are bottled up.
So you try to purge that thing out of your body with
words and verses for yourself or for the world to read,
laugh at, call you crazy because of that. 
But for a moment there, it empties your mind. 

It’s all for moments, nothing lasts.
You cannot purge something rotten that grew inside.
You can only heal it but you are too weak from trying 
to purge it out as if a broken heart can be purged.
You are just tired and want to close your eyes
but the demons never sleep.  

Poem #331

Just come home.
This is not in a selfish way, I am not
asking you to come back to me.
I am asking you to come home. 

To the home that doesn’t have a roof
or 4 walls.
To the home where you feel safe, 
no matter where it is.
Just come home. 

The lines and the smoke won’t 
ease that mind. You need to come home.
There is safety in the light,
there can be peace in the dark.
Just come home. 

Poem #330

I do not need you.
I have been through hell and back,
got out by myself.
I shower in burning hot water
to make my skin remember of how
much I am capable of.

I do not need you.
I learned the hard way to stand
on my own two feet.
My knees still bleed, the bruises
pulsate but it doesn’t stop
me from getting up every day.

I do not need you. I want you.
I want you to kiss every wound,
touch every weakness.
You look like you are smart
enough to know what type of
blessing that is.

Poem #327

We were more toxic than this
cigarette between my fingers
Like a good addict I am still
looking for those eyes
that loved to undress me.

My mind is silenced.
My heart is twisted.
I wonder is it human to crave
poison while I lie awake,
a bit drunk with smoke in my lungs
waiting for you to come back.

Poem #320

How can you corrupt something so
young and innocent?
As if getting her attention wasn’t enough,
you now want to expand your influence,
see how much you can manipulate
the mind that still believes in a happy end.
Do you get off on causing pain?

Her soul wasn’t ready to take a beating
but you didn’t blink an eye while
turning her into the other girl
the second option for your lonely nights.
You took one look at her, didn’t care what was inside.
You called her gut feelings a joke
while you were turning her into one.

Where is the finish line, where is the satisfaction
of making someone feel filthy, worth less than a dime
How can you corrupt something so
young and innocent?
Did you even feel the shame
or you just let her take the fall?

Poem #236

The emptiness of this room whispers
to me with the same pain you had in your voice:
“Sometimes love just isn’t enough”

With those words you made the poetess
in me want to set on fire all of the poems she wrote.
If not love, then what?