Today I decided to do one of my longer posts in which I share my opinions on the subject of abuse, especially domestic abuse. I’ve written about it in some of my posts and I shared pieces of my domestic abuse story on this blog. One of my goals in life is actually to find a way to help abused women and children and to also open people’s eyes about what is abuse and how to fight it properly.
It’s always hard for me to write about this subject because I’m still on my journey of dealing with my past and my experience with domestic abuse so I don’t post that often about it. For those of you who are new to this blog or maybe haven’t read my posts about it, just to sum up – I was abused by my father. He got mentally ill during the war, got PTSD, became an alcoholic and suffered from an identity disorder. The abuse went on for roughly eleven years and he ended up in jail and is currently in a facility where he is being taken care of.
Now that you all are up to speed, let’s get on with today’s subject – Should you forgive your abuser? The answer to this is yes. You should forgive everyone who has done you harm but this situation is particularly difficult because abuse leaves a lot of scars on our soul and our body. I, myself, suffer from nightmares related to the years of abuse despite being already 22 years old and despite not seeing my father for years. An experience such as this one just has a tendency to stick with us forever and, even though you might not see it, this is not a bad thing.
The reason why it’s hard to forgive our abusers is because they rarely say they are sorry. Most of them are oblivious of their actions and consequences of their actions and believe they haven’t done anything wrong so it’s hard to think about forgiveness when you haven’t even heard the word “Sorry” coming out of their mouths. The reason why you need to forgive them is your inner peace. That’s the goal of coping with abuse. You need to find the strength to forgive someone who might not even be sorry just for the sake of preserving and healing your soul and mind.
I will write on my own example. To this day I still have many bad feelings relating to my father but I found a way to be already halfway done with forgiving him for everything he has done. I used to say to myself that he is ill and that deep down he does feel sorry about his actions, but it was hard for me to believe it when I would get flashbacks of him beating up my mother or me escaping through the window of my house because he threatened to kill me. As time passed by I realized that I have to be the bigger person or I will never be able to escape my past. Every now and then I pray for him. That’s right, I pray for the man, for my own father who abused me just because I have grown enough to realize that he doesn’t perceive reality in a way that I do. I also realized that he probably denies everything he has done because it’s a defense mechanism. On some level his mind is blocking the horrible acts he has committed to protect him from facing himself. I began to forgive him so that I could find peace and put my past to rest. On some strange level I found some positive sides to what he has put me through. I don’t want you to think I’m weird for doing it, I promise I will explain everything in a different post.
By wishing the best for him, hoping that the universe will give him the strength to face himself one day and see all of the things he has done wrong I began to discover serenity. You need to rise above the situation in order to move on and you can’t do that without forgiving the person that abused you. If you forgive them, you will first benefit yourself and after the hell you’ve been through you deserve it.
Holding on to abuse and hating the person that did it to you can only lead to further problems in your life. You could develop serious trust issues or become unable to establish a healthy love relationship with someone (I know I have my troubles with this). Step back, take your time and discover within you what it is that you need to do in order to forgive your abuser. Don’t think about him or her, don’t think about anyone else except yourself. This is actually where one of my favorite quotes applies: First, put your own oxygen mask. This sentence just resonates on so many different levels, despite it being a warning on a safety video on planes. Give yourself air, fix yourself, heal yourself and without noticing it you will forgive the person that did you wrong and it will be the most liberating experience of your life.
In my opinion it is good to forgive. But if you cannot, that is OK too. I don’t believe enough is known on this horrific topic. I’m am sorry for your past. Unfortunately we have a lot in common and I wish you the best.
Thank you. Well, if we have a lot in common I hope you will share your story for the #savingme project!
Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna
I’ve shared my story with an agent. the reply was this, “I cannot touch this.”
I am kind of scared to ask why. But still, the project is here if you ever feel the need to share and let it all out. I wish you all the best!
Only someone abused can decide to pardon or not. Me personally I wouldn’t pardon.
Thank you for addressing this painful topic.
My personal opinion is absolutely no forgiveness.
Parents that abuse their children for years, housbend that beat up his wife as a way of life, all off a sudden are “growing” a conscience?
I don’t buy it.
I don’t either. But I believe that sometimes the victims can rise so much above that they forgive without ever hearing an apology.
I see where you are coming from if you consider the personal viewpoint. You say he was jailed and is now in some form of a correctional facility. What help does he get, do you think jail actually helped him, do you think forgiveness requires something from the abuser, repentance or showing remorse? There is no need to answer these, I am just interested because an abuser needs help just as the abused need help. If they do not get that help then whilst ‘forgiveness’ might ease your mind it is unlikely to help the abuser. Just putting the thought out there.
When it comes to abuse I don’t think the victim is supposed to do anything to help the abuser. Forgiveness for me is a state where one’s mind is at peace, able to let go of the negative experience. I think it’s important because resentment and the painful feelings linked to the abuse only bring damage to our life.
To forgive any who wrong you is the best thing you can do–and also the hardest. Hatred only begets hatred but it seems so instinctive to us all. I’m reminded of Peter’s question to Jesus: “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” And Jesus’ answer is one we all forget: not seven times but seventy times seven. Forgiveness has no cutoff point. Things can be withheld from those who do wrong but forgiveness should be given freely, even if it is one of the hardest things to do.
I am sorry for what you have gone through. I hope that you and all others in these or other similar situations get the comfort and healing you need.
Thank you very much, I agree with your comment!
Obviously everyone has their opinion, as you can see in these comments, but I would say it is in your best interest to forgive.
This does not mean you forget, nor does this mean you give a free pass or the abuser shouldn’t still face the consequences of their choices. But abuse, for the abuser, is about power — wielding their own over their victims and taking their victim’s from them. In forgiving, you make the choice and you break that bond of abuser and victim. It is a choice the victim makes, restoring their power and symbolically ending the perpetual chain of victimhood from their abuser.
I couldn’t agree more with this. I also think that forgiveness doesn’t mean that the abuse shouldn’t pay for what they’ve done but I do believe it’s a way for the victim to let go, clear their mind, break their bond to the abuser and to get rid of the negative feelings linked to the abuse. Negative feelings only attract more negativity and fear in our lives and that is something we all wish to escape.
This is brave. Thanks for this.
Hi. To write about ones own personal experience about any form of abuse takes great courage. You have done this and allowed your light to shine through the darkness. The matter of forgiveness only you can decide and is a matter of your own feelings. It is not for anyone else to make any judgement upon the matter. Continue to be brave in all aspects of your life. Best Wishes. Goff
Thank you very much!
Thanks. Have a great day. Goff
It raises the question to me, should I then by extension forgive the men who sexually assaulted me? I haven’t, yet my soul feels really okay with that. I see them as suffering (and dangerous) individuals who have my empathy for the sad way they’re living and their awful life choices. But forgive someone who essentially stalked me for months, contrived a situation to betray my trust in them, abd and worse yet, a yoga instructor? I don’t hold anger for them but their behavior was individually unforgivable. 🙏 Namaste
I believe that when it comes to forgiveness it’s one’s choice if they want to or not. For me, trying to forgive is a way of trying to find peace and get rid of the negative feelings that are intoxicating my life. On the other hand, every person goes through the experience in a different way and has to find a way to deal with it so there’s no right or wrong when it comes to forgiveness. I am very sorry to hear you were sexually assaulted and I hope you will always stay strong and positive!
If you would like you can share your story here on #savingme by sending it to savingmestory@gmail.com. It’s completely anonymous, unless you don’t want it to be and I hope you will decide to participate!
Beautifully written…i appreciate the fact that you wrote about this even though it has happened to you.Spirits of a true blogger I believe. 🙂
Thank you!
One of the greatest things we can do is forgive someone who does us wrong, succeed, and move on! Blessings will come to you. You can forgive and not forget. You forgive for yourself not the abuser. It will better your life. Nothing good comes from looking back and stewing over someone that did us wrong. Watch how your life changes after FORGIVENESS
I agree! You summed up most of my thoughts in this comment.
Thank you. Oxygen mask 😷 will come handy ♥️
Thank you for sharing this. I completely agree with you. Having suffered a similar experience with my own father, I completely understand how difficult it is to forgive… but honestly, I believe forgiveness is more important for the person that forgives the other than the person who is forgiven. You are incredibly strong, and have inspired me to tackle my own issues with such bravery.
I am so glad to hear this and I am glad you liked the post. If you would like to let go, ease your mind a bit feel free to send in your story for the #savingme project to savingmestory@gmail.com. It can be published with your name on it or anonymously – it’s up to you. Stay strong dear!
Sending love and positive vibes,
Luna
That sounds like a wonderful idea. I will definitely consider it! Thank you again!
Pray for the person who hurts you
For sure, everyone has an experience of being hurt by another person. It is not a pleasant situation to go through.
When I go through such a situation in my life, I find comfort and peace when I pray for the person who has hurt me in some way or another. It is a situation in my life when I am not to judge, but to forgive.
I pray to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, that I may be filled with grace to make peace with the other person. In my heart I pray for the other person who has hurt me, so that the other person receives God’s love.
Praying for the person that has hurt you, makes you an instrument of love and peace in the world.
In Unity,
George Calleja (Christian Author)
ps
To know more about me kindly follow the below links to my websites and other social networks:
https://www.amazon.com/George-Calleja/e/B00SNJ6B4E
https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/geocalpeace
https://sites.google.com/site/georgecallejachristianauthor/
https://sites.google.com/site/peaceinunity
https://twitter.com/PeaceUnityLives
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Many people are misunderstanding what forgivness means.
I believe it’s part of the healing process. As you say, we do it for us, for our peace of mind. Many times abusers will not recognize that they caused so much pain. So if we wait for them to say “sorry” we will never find our peace and way.
I forgave my mothe and I was better for it. She was a verbal abuser. She passed away last year and we were on good terms. She was never one to say sorry. I don’t know how I got the strength but I did it for me.
And I am so proud of you for being strong enough to forgive without hearing an apology. I hope you keep living a happy life filled with gratefulness!
Digital hug and recognition TY, there is so much strength in vulnerability.
And a hug right back!
thanks God Bless you
Forgiveness is for you, the one who is hurting. Forgiveness isn’t like hitting a light switch. It takes time, and only comes when you’re ready. It’s very brave of you to write about this. Yet your writing will help others. I speak from experience, because I published my story of gratitude and forgiveness. I’ve heard from hundreds of people who were helped, encouraged by my story. Keep writing. Keep going…
You too honey!
I really think there is an important message here. Forgiveness is more for the one doing the forgiving than the one being forgiven. It is repairing a link in the chain that holds ourselves together. If I have one quibble about what you wrote, it would be, “I used to say to myself that he is ill and that deep down he does feel sorry about his actions.” I can safely assume it wasn’t your intention, but this reads a bit too much like providing him with justification or giving him a “pass” because…Just my two cents. And like I said, I don’t believe that was your intended message. Keep taking those steps needed to continue your healing. I look forward to exploring more of your story here.
Thank you very much for your comment. The whole forgiving process is sometimes hard to put into words, so sometimes the message isn’t clear but it’s a good for me to write about it because the clearer I can express my thought the more I know that I’m making a progress towards healing myself from this experience.