Aren’t you getting tired of this crisis you have been in for the past 5 years? All of the time questioning what you should do and where should you be and where you are in life….
Where you are?!
You are in your own damn way. Nobody is holding you back in life. You are holding yourself back. Successfully, you became your worst nightmare and sworn enemy.
Doesn’t it concern you that you believed in yourself more when you were a child than now when you can actually work on achieving the things you wanted when you were a kid?
So caught up worrying about the opinions of others and the desire to fit in, that you forgot how to voice your own opinion. You even forgot how to form it. Their validation will not bring you joy or happiness. Maybe there will be a short-lasting rush of endorphin but it will wear out and you will isolate yourself again when the insecurities you are not willing to deal with creep up to mess with your head again.
You fought more than a decade of abuse, persevered in a situation that can break people, kicked and screamed your way through poverty and injustice only to have anxiety about leaving your apartment? Life, no matter how much the world tries to convince us otherwise, is not meant to be difficult. You do not need pain and suffering so that you could grow or feel like you have something to fight for, or better yet fight against.
From fight-or-flight life in violence, you entered peace and you don’t know how to live in it. If there isn’t a mountain to climb or monsters to defeat, you cannot find a meaning or the will to fight for yourself.
You can go to bed peacefully, there’s no fear, but you still use all three locks on the door, turn the key twice and also lock the door to your room. What are you trying to keep out? Nobody even knows you are alive up there since you do not move. You spend your days hiding behind a screen, in the corner of your couch, letting small pieces of yourself come out through writing and then you put the laptop down, put the phone down and have another night of restless sleep. It isn’t life.
You need to move. You really need to literally move and then move out of your own damn way. There is more to accomplish, there is more to be seen. You did not lose a part of your life, you just lived through a different experience than what you should have. Just because you were hiding bruises as a child, doesn’t mean you should spend the rest of your life hiding.
Your own two feet are still strong enough to carry you and everything you are dealing with. You just need to move today, move from where you are, step by step towards the person you tried to bury under a pile of insecurities and struggle. She is still out there, you just need to step into everything she has to offer. You need to step into everything you are capable of. Just move.