An Active Fight

I think that 2020 and 2021 were years when I decided to speak more openly about my past and my mental health struggles, just posting content as I am unpacking years of trauma and I have been going in and out of depressive phases for about three years now.  

And it’s happening again. I have all of these thoughts that I’ve had in the last three years just messing with my head. My insecurities and anxiety are starting to act up and I have this really strong desire to just drown back into my toxic behavior patterns of sleeping in, constantly consuming content so I am not left alone with my thoughts, not leaving my apartment and binge eating. This is the first time that I know consciously that this is happening to me again and I am actively trying to fight it. 

One of my biggest issues whenever I would get depressed and withdrawn would be binge eating. As you know, after my last little meltdown I started to take my health seriously and I went to do my food intolerance test and I also finally got my knees checked because of the pain I was feeling. I think that this test I did and finally getting my diet in order is really helping me right now to fight against my urges to eat my feelings away, especially because I cannot eat my comfort food. I cannot eat gluten, different grains, milk, soy, corn which results in me not being able to order junk food or buy a bunch of chocolate and candy. It is hard, but complying with these dietary restrictions for months now has definitely made me stronger. Will I have a moment of weakness and relapse back into binge eating? Maybe, but for now I am fighting it.  

I have been setting my alarm at the same time every day, including weekends so I don’t sleep in and spend the day in bed. I work at my desk, not on the couch as I used to when I was depressed. I am trying to cook more because it makes me feel better. It takes every ounce of strength in my body to push myself to work out and leave my apartment every day but I somehow do it.  

And it’s exhausting. Not only am I fighting my urge to fall back into my self-destructive behavior patterns but I am also struggling with my insecurities. They aren’t in my head, they are sitting in my ear screaming. Currently the situation is: “You are stupid and unworthy and you will never accomplish anything and you will never be anyone, you are a waste of space” 

It’s not fun being in my head right now but I am journaling. I am writing it down religiously every day because if I let it pile up in my head, I am going to break down again and I have absolutely no plan of letting that happen this time.  

That’s pretty much it from me. I am going to go and cook now because I need to relax somehow and get ready for the upcoming week. 

I hope you are all doing well! 

Luna 

Latest Poem: Poem #385
Youtube videos: Luna’s channel
Latest Coffee Date: Complicit in my misery
Latest #savingme: He Didn’t Love Me
Life updates: Fun Few Days

9 thoughts on “An Active Fight

  1. It is not easy keeping that voice from your head telling you all those negative things. I know it is easier said than done, but don’t believe any of that! You’re worth more than you will ever know and a lot of people are behind you. If it helps, keep posting here, there will always be people here to listen to you. I hope all goes well for you this week and keep doing what you’re doing. Every day you get out of bed, you’re winning.

  2. Hey Luna!
    I’m so sorry your going through this.
    I post about ways to redirect that negative energy into positive because I go through it often as well.
    Please check it out if your interested.

    I’d also like to say I’ve spoke to you a while back on Instagram and you’ve inspired me! I love your content❤️

  3. Since returning to taking a med for my anxiety and depression, I m feeling good these days.i really hope somewhere down the line, you can live peacefully.

  4. Hello Luna
    I’m so proud of you. Speaking up and trying as hard to leave those toxic drowning behaviors shows how strong you are.
    I know how hard it is to ignore or down those little negative voices in your head. Just know that you’re not alone in this and you’re a conquerer.

  5. Other than journaling take medical help because it’s just a chemical imbalance which can be handled by salt intake. Wishing you a speedy recovery & no relapse.

  6. Stay strong and stay the course Luna. There are so many of us rooting for you, so know we are there for you if only in the ether.

  7. It is not easy indeed but you are on the right path it seems. Self awareness is key and you’ve got it. You are amazing already, very brave!

  8. This is some awesome thinking. I love this! Wonderful ideas!💓

  9. Our struggles don’t define us, just shape us, and exploring them in writing is cathartic and brave. I enjoy your openess and can empathize whole heartedly.

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