I think that 2020 and 2021 were years when I decided to speak more openly about my past and my mental health struggles, just posting content as I am unpacking years of trauma and I have been going in and out of depressive phases for about three years now.
And it’s happening again. I have all of these thoughts that I’ve had in the last three years just messing with my head. My insecurities and anxiety are starting to act up and I have this really strong desire to just drown back into my toxic behavior patterns of sleeping in, constantly consuming content so I am not left alone with my thoughts, not leaving my apartment and binge eating. This is the first time that I know consciously that this is happening to me again and I am actively trying to fight it.
One of my biggest issues whenever I would get depressed and withdrawn would be binge eating. As you know, after my last little meltdown I started to take my health seriously and I went to do my food intolerance test and I also finally got my knees checked because of the pain I was feeling. I think that this test I did and finally getting my diet in order is really helping me right now to fight against my urges to eat my feelings away, especially because I cannot eat my comfort food. I cannot eat gluten, different grains, milk, soy, corn which results in me not being able to order junk food or buy a bunch of chocolate and candy. It is hard, but complying with these dietary restrictions for months now has definitely made me stronger. Will I have a moment of weakness and relapse back into binge eating? Maybe, but for now I am fighting it.
I have been setting my alarm at the same time every day, including weekends so I don’t sleep in and spend the day in bed. I work at my desk, not on the couch as I used to when I was depressed. I am trying to cook more because it makes me feel better. It takes every ounce of strength in my body to push myself to work out and leave my apartment every day but I somehow do it.
And it’s exhausting. Not only am I fighting my urge to fall back into my self-destructive behavior patterns but I am also struggling with my insecurities. They aren’t in my head, they are sitting in my ear screaming. Currently the situation is: “You are stupid and unworthy and you will never accomplish anything and you will never be anyone, you are a waste of space”
It’s not fun being in my head right now but I am journaling. I am writing it down religiously every day because if I let it pile up in my head, I am going to break down again and I have absolutely no plan of letting that happen this time.
That’s pretty much it from me. I am going to go and cook now because I need to relax somehow and get ready for the upcoming week.
I hope you are all doing well!