You miss the days you spent crying yourself to sleep, don’t you? The days when pain was the only motivation and force that made you move forward are fond memories now because you do not feel anything. There is nothing. Blank space in your heart and head, there is no movement force – only you staring at the ceiling waiting for another day to end only to start a new one and wait for that one to end.
You came to a point where you wish for the worst to come back, only to make you feel something in, at least, one fiber of you being. Where does it end? Where is the finish line when you just drained your body of emotions?
Maybe it wasn’t you. Let me give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you lost parts of yourself along the way and in order to survive, you couldn’t stop to heal or pick up those pieces. You just had to keep on going but now there is nothing left. No piece to be lost or feelings to be hurt.
Writing cannot save you this time if there’s nothing to write about. How many times and in how many different ways can you write about being down, feeling numb and becoming too weak to fight? In how many different ways can you phrase the fact that you cannot even find a glimpse joy in what you used to love?
Days are just passing by and it’s all the same for you. Sometimes, late at night you toss and turn, unable to sleep and you get a sudden rush of anxiety thinking about living this same life for years to come. Your own existence is giving you anxiety. What else needs to happen for you to realize you have been walking on the wrong path for far too long? You aren’t even walking anymore, you are on the ground motionless.
You used to believe there was something more out there waiting for you and now you don’t even want to step foot outside. The child you used to be would be embarrassed of the person you grew into.
This is bigger than the blog, the videos, the writing – it’s all you. There is no ladder to climb, there is no bridge to cross because you burned them all down. You have to get your hands dirty, get down on your knees and start building from scratch. Don’t give up before you start, don’t give up half way, don’t give up at all because, honestly, I don’t know how many more chances you got left.
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5 thoughts on “Letters to myself: From scratch”
The worst is happening all around us. Earth in flames. Make it personal. You got this.
This is such a deeply personal post. I admit to tearing up a bit. Good luck and best wishes, Luna. Thanks for sharing.
Very well written. This is so me.
I know what you’re feeling, Luna. Been there many times over many years. Most especially the part about not feeling like who you were. Where each night lasts forever or just an eye blink.Never give up hope. It’s always about one step, then another. One word, then another. And some days the magic works and others it doesn’t. But it Never works if you don’t try. And you’ll have lots of chances. Just keep being Luna.