As you maybe have noticed from the latest posts I’m not feeling so cheerful and happy. I’ve been actually feeling awful the past few weeks. We all have some periods in which we don’t feel confident and we doubt ourselves so I just decided to gather enough courage to actually write about it.
I have been suffocating in work and studying for the last few months and I experienced some emotional hardship in my private life. All of this really wore me out and the problem is I can’t take a breather, you know, take some time for myself to relax because I live a life in which I can’t stop. I don’t know if you can relate to this. I don’t have a very good financial situation so I have to work and that’s hard for me because I have to attend almost all my lectures. Just to explain a little bit, if I miss too many lectures of a certain class I lose the possibility to take the exam at the end of that class which obligates me to pay to listen to that class again and prolongs my studies for another year which I can’t afford. So, there are no breaks for me and I feel like no matter how much I work that it’s never enough and that I’m stuck in one place, not making any progress at all.
I am always extremely nervous and think I forgot something. Even when I’m resting for an hour before going to bed or after lunch I feel like I should be doing something, like I don’t deserve to just relax, have a cup of tea in silence, watch a TV show or something like that. Besides this, I’ve been having extreme doubts about the career I’ve chosen. I’m studying languages, Spanish and Italian, and no matter how much I enjoy this I can’t help myself but wonder if this is the right way to learn them. I’m really trying to stay positive and grateful that I have the opportunity to study what I love, but I’m so suffocated by the things I have to go through to get my diploma that I started doubting what I love and I started to hate it in a way. I can’t really explain this well. My exams are starting in two weeks and I just can’t find an ounce of strength or motivation to start preparing for them.
All of these problems in my let’s call it professional life combined with some problems and losses I’ve experienced in my personal life are punching me in the face every day for the last few weeks. I’ve entered a state of constant tiredness and, what’s worst of all, numbness. What’s very scary for me is that this state of mind reflected on my health. Things just don’t make me happy like they used to and I don’t really feel motivated. I reread some of my old poems, like for example Fight, and I just got to thinking where did my motivation go and I got scared that I won’t be able to get out of this dark place.
So, this is pretty much what’s been going on lately and I hope I wasn’t too boring in this post. If you can relate or are experiencing something similar I would be very happy if you would contact me on my e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org or DM me on my Instagram so that we could maybe share our experiences and be each other’s support. I know that I will do my best to gather courage to get out of this mess and I will definitely update you on my progress. If you have any advice or just want to share something, leave me a comment below.