I am not doing okay…again

I feel like my life updates on this blog are currently: I am okay / I am getting depressed. That’s it. I think I need therapy.

So yes, I have been consistently working on myself, eating better, working out, reading, meditating and then something just happened. But nothing actually happened. Like my body and mind are just fighting against the good decisions I am trying to make for myself. It’s like I am inviting chaos in my life and I cannot control it.

It all started on Sunday. I was just so damn emotional and sad and lonely. I got up on Monday at 6 as I do to do my workout before my job starts and I barely made it through. I felt itchy the whole day. I couldn’t sit still but I also didn’t want to move. But there was this uncomfortable energy inside of me.

And then I broke my clean eating and all of my good habits by binge eating. That was the alarm. That’s when I was like: January is about to repeat itself. Shit.

I barely made it out of bed this morning. I stayed in bed longer which is usually a sign for me that I am either ill or just not doing well. I was fighting with my craving for nicotine. I drank my coffee and the only think I could think about were cigarettes. I felt so bad. I had to have an internal talk with myself about how far I came without cigarettes and that it’s an unhealthy habit that is not easy to break and that I shouldn’t go back.

And then I sat down and decided to write because pretending I am fine and pretending like this is just a small issue is not going to work for me anymore. Putting stuff in writing means that I admit they are real. That’s why I write about my feelings and insecurities and problems and everything. Otherwise, I don’t consider it real and do not deal with it.

So yes, it’s important for me to let the world know that I am in a grey area. I am doing my best to not go to the dark area of my mind and to spiral again as I did at the beginning of the year. Getting better is a journey and I have to be honest with myself about the good and bad times of it.

All advice, book recommendations and other forms of help are welcome. This is a step forward, I am saying that I need help but I am also well aware that I need to first know how to and do everything to help myself.

I am sorry if you find my posts about being depressed or cooking boring but that’s what my life is currently and that’s okay.

This is also a reminder for you to check in on yourself and check in on your friends and family because someone might seem very happy and okay but they are going through hell in their head.

Sending love and positive vibes,

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136 thoughts on “I am not doing okay…again

  1. Never give up

  2. Last year I was diagnosed with gad (with panic). My symptoms were a bit close to yours. I could barely get out of bed. The panic attacks would just last for 20 minutes and my anxiety episodes were high and low but never gone. I would feel sad even though there wasn’t any reason to be sad . I would just skip my breakfast and dinner and slowly my appetite receded. I started getting treatment and meditation was one of them. It really worked. No more panic attacks. I’d tell you there is nothing imperative and powerful than your own willpower. Yeah, it’s gonna take a while but when you start forming it trust me nothing could stop you from doing what you want. I’m sending you hugs and love. I know you’ll be fine. YOU HAVE TO BE. WE ALL LOVE YOU AND WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. ❤

    Everyone benefits from and deserves professional therapy. (And not just because we are in the midst of a crisis!) If you do not know where to start. NAMI.org is a terrific place to start. Best wishes! Please reach out any time🧡

  4. Thank you for shedding and sharing ❤

  5. Hoping you feel better soon. You are not alone. Sending hugs

  6. Can I recommend The Bold Type on Netflix as a fun watch, if that’s something that helps while you fight the depression? Hope you feel better!

  7. Hello, friend. I so understand. I, too, am in a place where I just can’t seem to move forward after months of wonderful progress and feeling good. If I may, here is what I can share:
    Therapy, even a heart to heart with an animal, a tree, a friend- anything or anyone significant to you, is an underrated tool that is so necessary for me to process internal barriers and how to manage them. I love love love getting done with a session and getting back to work. It’s refreshing to get an outside perspective.
    Writing is THE SHIZ and I journal CONSTANTLY, EVERY DAY, and on my worst days it really, really makes a difference in motivating myself when I JUST DON’T WANT TO GET UP.
    Grounding exercises in addition to gratitude exercises every morning have helped me overcome before. I force myself even if I feel angry, depressed, or hopeless. I always find at least 10 things (even if it’s the sunrise, my first breath of that cool morning air, a good stretch….Get small. Stack em up.
    Shower. Just… I mean REALLY get down with it. And tell yourself you can do it the whole time, even if you feel silly. I just feel better and like I’ve gotten a refresh.

    Anyway, I hope ANY of this helps. If even just to let you know someone gets it and is right there with you.

    You got this!

  8. Sometimes therapy is a good solution. But friends and a good support group can help too. We are all feeling a little of the blues these days.

  9. Hi Luna 👋 This resonated with me so much.. I really felt connected to you, reading this. I’ve been searching for emotional stability for years and the absence of that can leave me feeling like I have let myself down when my behaviour becomes self-destructive. Here’s hoping these tough moments prove beneficial to you in the long run.. Although extremely difficult, we can learn a lot about ourselves from the difficulties we face.

    Dec xx

  10. I hope you start to feel more like yourself soon!!xx

  11. You know what I feel.. In these tough days of yours.. You might have felt quite good after ..just throwing your thoughts and emotions on the paper.. In such a beautiful manner..
    May the almighty help you take the right decision.. I’m sure the positivity within you will ultimately help you recover soon.. ❤❤

  12. Hope you get better

  13. You can write it out. Yeah writing what upsets you at the moment can help alot. Keeping up with a routine of writing can bring great changes in your life. Be patient with yourself and give yourself a year to improve each aspect of your life.

  14. It always gets better, remember ❤

  15. Love you dear ❤️
    Just read your blog first time
    And instantly fall in love with it
    Your topic was so heart touching , true,and completely relatable for dark phase of life

    Wishing you more strength to fight and best learning to achieve your goal.

  16. Lots of Love once again ❤️

  17. Post💯

  18. This post is bold, relatable, honest, and freeing. I want you to know that by sharing your feelings and emotions, you are helping others find peace in the fact that they aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing and hoping each day is a bit brighter for you ☀️

  19. Despite what you may feel always remember that others on this planet have it and have had it much worse.
    Don’t let your demons take you to hell.

  20. I’m very sorry to hear this but therapy is always a great solution when you start to lose and feel like your gonna explode and taking time out for yourself & controlling yourself it seems as if your overwhelmed & very fluttered with all types of emotions nothing but I wish nothing but love & joy your way !

  21. Personally, I was going through many years of a depression and I wasn’t ready to change. It sounds like you are already in the process of taking steps to take better care of yourself. Recognizing you are having a problem is the first step to helping yourself, and if you are doing this then that’s already a good reason to be proud of yourself.

    Secondly, I developed schizophrenia after years of a bad depression that I never got to fight off, and hearing voices really did me in. I finally turned to CBT therapy and it did wonders for me. Initially, I have to be honest, I forced some positive thoughts. But I still decided to try, and that’s what counted. I knew I cared more about myself and kept applying the positive thoughts over top of negative situations and eventually it started feeling more natural and my healing process became that much more easier for me. I still go through many issues, for we therapy can never take away our problems, but now I carry an optimistic attitude and feel like I have helped myself out tremendously because I can better cope with my problems.

    Just a friendly suggestion. Hope you feel better soon!

  22. Things will get better, dont give up

  23. You are doing well….just don’t give up. Keep going.

  24. Again, I’m not ok

  25. I feel you…..

  26. I really feel sad about your condition and pray you get out of it soonest. Nicotine,ceggarate or liquor are no solution at all. I have a video I believe will be of great help in times like these.

  27. a wonderful honest post. Your writing this helps me know that I am not the only one who thinks and feels these things. My advice would be keep doing what your doing. Writing is a huge help. As it helps us see what it is that is upsetting us. Understand that bad times will come (that’s just life) but its how we handle them that matters. Lastly have you considered herbal remedies. I never thought I would but then I tried Solaray total calm advance. It helps to chill me down, especially on difficult days

  28. Hey I know it is not okay to feel filthy habits. listen to motivational lectures and look at your goals

  29. Hey I know these are filthy habits.listen to motivational speaker educate urself, drink water,eat food and have tea

  30. Really relate to this. I used to smoke too. Gave up for five years, went back to it after a relationship broke down, and was addicted again for two years before I finally went cold turkey again, and was able to give it up once more. Life is hard, habits and addictions be it smoking or eating junk food are not easy to break, and even if you do it still takes constant effort to stay away from such things day in day out.

  31. Bipolar 2. I get it. I’m sorry.

  32. Thanks for your honesty. It’s not easy to be open about cravings for things we know won’t help us but we fear falling back into them. I smoked too and it’s one of the hardest to quit. But I did. And my high but controlled BP means I went cold turkey on booze three months back. Very depressing and anxious time for weeks for me. But I’d rather give up booze rather than risk higher BP. I guess fear of death is my motivator. But I remember getting off cigarettes, for the same reason, and that messes with your mind and body after depending on them and having them work so well so long. In my case. What others have said, drink some chamomile tea with honey, take a hot bath, walk in the park, visit a friend or family member, sing a song or play one. Hang in there. Thanks for viewing my photos. Good luck.

  33. I hear ya, but, you’ll be fine, I suspect, based on long expereince.

    Sometime, I’d like to know how you created a blog with multiple categories. I have four seperate blogs, although two are now private. I would like to have the two at least be part of the same blog with unique content for each.

  34. Greatly expressed! It is good to write down your feelings. Keep the faith!

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